I really do believe that I am okay.  But I can’t help remembering a very recent incident where I completely believed that and tried to convince those closest to me that it was true.

Well that turned out to be a BOLD FACED LIE …I assume that I told myself!  I was slammed down into the dark hole with such ferocity it took my breath away.  And all within what felt like minutes from the words being uttered out of my mouth!

So here I sit on my couch with a knee that won’t straighten.  An MRI is scheduled and my dear friend orthopedist who operated on my other knee, agrees with my diagnosis of a torn meniscus that is “stuck” in my knee.

Arthroscopic surgery looms in my very near future, followed by 42 days recuperation with no tennis (or many other physical things I love to do.)  I know the drill.

I was in denial over the weekend, but have since been in this strange state of acceptance that is very new to me.  My girlfriend said, “You are taking this so well!”  To which I answered, “Yes, I am really okay.”  And then I had a small panic attack.  I had a flashback to those words being uttered just weeks ago and the  devastation that followed.

My other girlfriend looked on with fear and said, “I won’t ever believe those words again!”  (In fairness to her, she personally witnessed the downward spiral and it scared her, rightfully so…it scared me too!)

So now I am left to ponder these feelings.  Am I growing spiritually and truly accept without resistance that I will have surgery and will be laid up unable to participate in things I love?  Or is the big cry baby breakdown looming on the horizon?

I prefer to believe that I have grown and that my devastation of a few weeks ago was a dress rehearsal for me to deal with these feelings.

I prefer to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t see why right away.

I prefer to believe that I have the power to shape my reality with the thoughts I choose to think.

And, I prefer to believe that I am okay…really…I am!

Blessitude – Lorrie

4/9/14