I stayed awake all night a few ago…No…I wasn’t reliving my teens pulling an all-nighter, partying, having fun. I stayed awake all night, crying, and praying, and writing.
I am at a place in my life that intellectually I knew would arrive, but emotionally I never wanted to think about.
The Momma was very sick and hospitalized. Then it seemed she lost her will to live. It was so unlike her – she fought her whole life. It was unbearable to me because if she could give up the fight for her life what would that mean for me? Would it be possible that I would ever give up?
You look me in the eye
And you tell me you will try
But it’s all a bold faced lie
And I hang my head and cry
Because you soon will die
And I have to question why
Should I simply say goodbye?
I wrote the above words that night. It was the beginning of a very personal writing that was interspersed with prayers to God and cries for help. Not only help with the current situations I find myself in, but help with the emotional upheaval that the past three weeks resurrected in my soul’s heart.
The sun rose and suddenly there was clarity. I understood that her failure to fight was because she was afraid. She wanted to continue to live but she didn’t know how to do it. And then God provided the answers which, if I had been paying attention, were right in front of my eyes the whole time.
“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
Haiku ~ 12/15/14
Oh how I rejoice
When your favor is revealed
Love for me is shown
Things I did not see
Standing right in front of me
Vision is restored
Full of Thankfulness
For blessed understanding
You show me the way
I wish for you all to stay strong in your faith, especially during hard times. I have found that the harder I lean into it, the faster my “vision” becomes clear…the faster my mind hears the words that are placed in my heart. The words that are sent, the people who are put in my path, the strength that I find right when I think I have no more to give…that is what I am talking about…that is what I am so blessed and full of gratitude for…Blessitude!!! Thank You!
<3 Lorrie
12/16/14
Top photo courtesy of en.wikipedia.or
“The Night Sky” Mount Hood National Forest
Sending strength and heartfelt hugs to you and Momma. Love you lots Lorrie xo
Love you too dear friend!!! And send you the biggest hug…just like the one when we first met!!!! Much love to you and yours and may you also find strength in these trying times!! <3 <3
Blessings my friend to you and your Momma. Love and light. XO
Oh, Dear Louise! Thank you!! I can feel your love. Many wishes for you and your family during this beautiful season!! <3
Warm embrace of comfort and shared strength. You are loved.
Thank you Belinda! I pray that you are feeling well. The stress of the past 3 weeks…plus the die off from the meds has my body locked in pain. But I will get through this…and I will be stronger. Much love to you and I send you all good wishes for a beautiful holiday <3
May grace and assurance lend to you the inner strength of the Divine that so richly blesses you. “Fighting” can sometimes be a scary thing. My prayer for you this day is one of strength, hope and peaceful calm for you and “The Momma” and all those around you. Many blessings to you. ~Matthew,
Hi dear Matthew…phew! Thank you. Your blessing is most beautiful and so wonderfully accepted. I’m very happy that we have connected and I also send a prayer to you. May you be held in sacred light and knowing…I believe that you already are. Many blessings to you during this special season. <3
I am sending you all the Love in the world Lorrie. I had been worried about you, but did not want to impose. I can read from your post that you are strong, that you find comfort and confidence in your faith. That makes me worry less about you, I feel your strenght, I feel your Love. I cant remember if you read this poem, but I wrote it a few days ago, and now I am thinking I might have written it for you: http://pathsofthespirit.wordpress.com/2014/12/15/held-by-loves-pure-light/
You know that I am here for you Lorrie, just a mail away 🙂 and my heart is with you always. I am going to send you and your mother a guardian angel each to keep watch over you since I cant be there in person. The angels are my friends, and they will take care of you. I am sure they will let their presence be known to you somehow 🙂 You are so strong Lorrie, I can feel your strenght <3 <3 <3
Stay sheltered in the Love of your Soul, it will not let you fall!
Lots and lots of Love to you! <3 <3 <3
Beautiful sweet Trini!!! Thank you so much. I value your spirit…your beautiful soul more than I can write in words. I am pretty certain that your Angels arrived already… 🙂 You would never ….not in 10 million years be considered an imposition to me!!! I have been so busy…and I try to catch a minute here and there to read and make contact….but it has been sparse at best. I will not lie…I have had some very dark times recently. But I have always had FAITH and when things start moving in the direction of answered prayers, you can’t help but be so overwhelmed with love at the miraculous beauty of life!!!
And Thank You!!! I read your poem and I am honored by your dedication 🙂 <3 <3
I am so happy to hear it is only time keeping you away 🙂 I can feel your strong faith in your words and expression 🙂 I know you will always be guided and comforted by Love’s beautiful light! <3 <3 <3 as we all will 🙂
I know how hard this time must be for you. Love and light to you my dear….and stillness of heart. Remember that the waves come and the waves go. Your Truth is always in the stillness.
Yes, Teresa!! In that quiet place a connection is made…and I can FEEL IT!!! Thank you for your beautiful support and love. I pray that you are well and that you will feel love and peace this holiday season!! <3
Beautiful words and story Lorrie. Your courage and faith inspire me. I send prayers of love, healing and highest good for you and your mother. I’m facing similar challenges around finances, work and lack of direction. I wish I knew how to lean in and trust like you.
May we find our path of love, Many blessings my friend. <3
Hi dear friend Brad! Thank you so much…your words are little gifts that I keep close to my heart. Please don’t think I am so courageous Brad, I don’t mean to give that impression at all. I am down in the nitty gritty darkness and the feelings can sometimes seem unbearable. But there is a divine presence in the deepest part of my soul that takes care of me….even when I can’t…and it has always been there…always! I am Blessitude…and I bet if you listen really hard you will hear that presence as well. I believe it is there for each and every one of us and that it is up to us to allow it. Much love during this special holiday season <3 <3
Thanks Lorrie. I appreciate you, your love and your kind response. Intellectually, I understand, and feel that communion at times, more often when I am feeling good. It’s when I’m challenged, that my trust and ability to feel the divine presence is sadly lacking.
Hopefully, I’m learning to turn toward the light more often in trust. <3
Holy Holidays!
I know Brad…that is the time that it seems the hardest. But it is also the time that feels the best!!! I am not automatically able to go there…though I hope that this will be the case. It is more like when the pain can’t go on much longer that I remember how to find my way out. Maybe one day I will remember sooner! 🙂 Much happiness I wish for you <3
Thanks for the clues and caring heart! 🙂 <3
May you find renewal through your sufferings Lorrie. You know, words can sometimes sound platitudinous and facile when others offer us their emotional support; and those who make such offerings, beautiful though they may be, can sense this yet are powerless to ameliorate the effects. That is why sometimes a useful source of solace can be found in quietly acknowledge our suffering as both a teacher and a disguised signifier of renewal. We cannot see the light beyond, for we are weary; yet still it beckons us and still we move towards it, unwittingly, though surefootedly, step by patient step. Faith is the great carrier of burdens of course; so let your faith do the heavy lifting and keep nourishing it with tenderness Lorrie. I know you will; and that you always will. In the meantime, please forgive my platitudes.
Hariod. <3
Hariod…you truly have a gift with words and I can tell you that I don’t find them platitudinous. Rather, I receive comfort from a soul who has also suffered and who wishes to offer me some relief, albeit, temporary. Thank you for your surety of my abilities…it can only strengthen my confidence. It was a dark time and I still don’t like what the eventual outcome will be. But I have so many Angels in my world and they work miracles in the most incredible ways, it would be hard not to have faith!! Much love to you, I am grateful for your friendship <3
Beautiful Lorrie, your strength is an inspiration for all 🙂 love and hug and prayers for you… <3 🙂
Thank you dear Maniparna 🙂 I am so grateful for your presence here. I have not been traveling to my WP friend’s sites much lately….but I will be over soon! I hope all is super in your world! <3
Sending you love, lightness and comfort Lorrie.
HUGS
Val xo
Received with open arms, Val!! Thank you. I hope the holiday season finds you full of love and peace!! <3
Oh Lorrie
There are no words in times like these. The death of someone dear to us is never something we are emotionally ready for. May you receive strength, mercy and grace my friend.
I will pray for you.<3
Oh, Staci…thank you my friend! You know how much I believe in prayer….it feels so wonderful to have beautiful souls like you interested enough to say a prayer for me and my family. It is amazing how fast life can go by and we can take certain things for granted. The Momma turned 86 last May and that was the first time she had to take prescription medication! She was always so healthy (except for her blindness) but she has declined in that department in such an incredibly fast way! I just never really considered life without her…and I know I will never truly be without her. My only goal is to make sure she is safe and comfortable now and we have what appears to be a good plan in place. Thank you so much….I hope all is well in your world…Merry Merry! <3
Awwww Lorrie. I know your heart must be so tight right now with all of this. You’re more than welcome, my friend. In spite of all the struggles you are facing right now, I hope you have a very very merry Christmas. Many blessings to you Lorrie.
<3 <3 <3 <3
These are intense times for you, Lorrie. I remember when my mother was dying. Just about this time of the year six years ago. What I would do, given the chance, is to be by her side more. I just didn’t want to believe she was going away. I didn’t want to face losing her.
I also wish I had had your wise words to lead me along this journey:”I have found that the harder I lean into it, the faster my “vision” becomes clear…the faster my mind hears the words that are placed in my heart.:
May your heart be open to lead you through this mysterious and mystical path. <3.
Hugs and more hugs. xxoo
Oh Carol…I’m so sorry. I really did consider not posting about this because I knew that it could bring up some powerful feelings for others. I thank you so much for thinking that my words could have helped you…and I am so grateful because your words DO help me! I was in a very strong state of denial, just like it sounds you were. It almost seems inconceivable to think that it is a possibility…even though I know that this is the cycle of life. I was stuck in that energy and I therefore was not making good decisions. I prayed so much and I am so grateful for the understanding that has been given to me. I am truly blessed and even though I know I will never be ready for it….I have faith that everything will happen exactly as it is meant to happen. Thank you…your beautiful heart is very special to me <3
So sorry for all you are going through! Praying for you and for His strength and comfort to carry you through…(((((hugs))))))
Thank you dear Julie!! I’m so grateful for your prayers…and I KNOW they are answered! Much love to you during this beautiful holiday season <3 <3
Oh, Lorrie, I’m thrilled that you leaned into the Lord and found the answer you were looking for. He never leaves us and is always waiting for us to trust Him and to turn to Him with our ears and our hearts. A broken pot not only allows light to come into the darkness but also allows light to escape from the darkness. We are all broken in some way, but it is through our brokenness that He works not only in our lives but also in the lives of others. Worry not about tomorrow, the future, or your Momma. The Lord of all Creation is still is control, and He has you and your Momma in the palm of His mighty hand. Worry never changes a thing, and in reality it is praying for what we DON’T want to happen. So just lay it all at the foot of His cross! Much love and huge hugs, Natalie 🙂 <3
Oh Natalie! Yes!! Thank you so much. I am so inspired by you…your faith shines through every word you write. I am on a beautiful path…it feels “right”…it feels peaceful. I let go and let God!! I am so grateful for all that I learn…I see every lesson as an amazing gift and I build the blocks one on top of the other. To have your support during my transformation means so much to me! I am so grateful for you. I wish you love, peace, and a very merry Christmas! ! <3 <3
I am thankful He placed you in my path….thanks for the daily inspiration m sister…god bless!
Thank you Wendell!! I love that you held a mirror for me 😉 I am very grateful for our connection…may the holiday season find you well with plenty of love! <3
Lorrie, dear heart, thank you for sharing this gem. Hard times certainly sculpt us don’t they? Psalm 30:5 is a favorite of mine and I find great comfort in it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be well. xo Gina
Oh Gina! I have missed you! I am so behind visiting the people I love…I hope that everything is super in your world!! Yes…we are sculpted (I like the visual of that!) by hard times. I am beginning to understand what Grace is…the word has been coming up for me almost daily…and as I walk through these hard times I can FEEL it. Much love to you dear friend! <3
Sending you warm wishes and hope these time passes and hope your mama is well soon
Hi Natasha…so many thanks for your well wishes…I am so very grateful! Much love to you! <3
my heartfelt prayers, love and thoughts are all with you during these difficult time…may you continue finding that courage and strength you seem to have found in your heart …Big hugs <3 <3 <3
Oh…Thank you so much Neha! I’m very grateful for your sweet words of encouragement. I hope everything in your world is brimming with love!! <3
I’m really sorry to hear how you are facing not that good times. I know how that is, we wish we never had to loose our parents. The last time when I saw my dad he told his time was up. I said: don’t be silly, stop talking like this. He answered: one knows when it’s running out. I thought the same what you mentioned at that moment: he was always a fighter, extremely strong man, had gone through camps and mines in Siberia where only 1 of each thousand returned. He survived, lots of other terrible times, too. And now he was saying, that’s it. I believed he was wrong, but he actually wasn’t. He just had lost the desire to struggle longer. In spring they placed him in a hospital and straight before the father’s day, I saw a dream, I was in Canada far away: my dad was standing in our orchard next to the old house. He looked so young and so good, and he was wearing a clean bright white-blue shirt. I didn’t know anything yet, but I started to cry terribly since I knew, as well, he said good bye.
It’s terrible, stay with your mom while you still can. I’m so scared always when I call my mom in Latvia and nobody answers the phone. It’s like awful. You should definitely spend all time with her. Life is so abnormally short and there are so few good things in it. I hope you stay strong and help your mom in any possible ways. Blessings to you!
Oh, Inese….I can’t tell you how touched I am that you shared this very personal story. I could tell that you know exactly what I felt at that time. It is funny how hard I imposed MY wants and dreams on The Momma. I always like to think that I “do” or at least try to do the right things. I finally had very clear understanding that I have absolutely no rights in this situation. And I realize that the best thing I can do is be a loving, kind, friend and daughter while the rest of her time her on earth plays out.
I prayed so hard for understanding and my prayers were answered almost immediately. I can tell you that I can’t imagine a life without her…but I know deep in my heart that she will always live inside me. I send you a beautiful wish for love and peace…and I thank you my friend for your much valued support!! <3 <3
I send you a big virtual hug brimming over with the most genuine love. Your faith will serve you well sweet Lorrie. No words seem quite right….I know what a beautiful bond you two share. The light in me salutes the light in you. Sending love and blessings – Lisa
Hi Lisa!! Thank you so much…I can feel your beautiful support…and it is true…it is hard to find words at this time. Things are somewhat stable at this time. We have plans in place to keep The Momma comfortable and safe. After I realized that I was holding on so tight I had to dig deep and figure out why.
I appreciate you so much and I wish you love and happiness during this holiday season! <3
such beautiful, warm and relaxing – I consider this one of the best therapies!
Thank you Mino!!! Have a wonderful holiday!! 🙂
Yes Lorrie as I KNOW after the sorrow lifts and you find that place of acceptance she will flow with you in your heart always. My mother passed away only 2 weeks after my sister moved her into her home. She was in Maui with me for 3 months. (Michigan 2 weeks after she left the hospital. ) My sister just kept saying I felt so helpless, and yes it is going to happen to all of us , that we enter the light where the bliss is incredible, as she has a depth in her soul that goes beyond what our humanness can comprehend, and we begin to honor them, no matter if the end is near or far, we no longer attach ourselves to the limitations of the physical, yet go beyond into the “God Zone” I call it. I send you peace and love at this time and always Lorrie Heart to heart Robyn. By the way my father almost died 5 times and he somehow stayed with us the last 3 years after a massive stroke, all on his and Gods timing. Much love
Dear a Heart to Heart Robyn…your words are full of truth and comfort and I am so appreciative of your compassion and love!! I will mark this comment and read it often. I send you so much love and many blessings and hope your holiday is full of peace <3 <3
Seeing your light and love my friend! You are such a blessing to so many! Your soul can comfort you as you rest in your faith. Peace is here for youIMG_1339.JPG
I am so great full to have met you over the last year! You have touched my heart dear Lorrie Peace to you as well my friend!
Gotta tell you…and it’s tough for a guy to admit this…you gave me the goose bumps! Thank you very much for all that you do and share!
Aww, Kirt! Thank you for your kind words…I so appreciate it!! I wish you many blessings and a love filled, peaceful holiday!! <3
Dearest Lorrie, this is the night you told me about, isn’t it? You know, I’m glad you stayed up that night to sort things out – it becomes so VERY important to weigh things every once in a while…if we keep on ignoring it – our emotions start taking control…which can at times be a perilous situation. I wasn’t feeling so well for the last week or so – and now I’m trying to play with humour. Even today some things happened at home *again*…I feel so meek at times. I hope you’re not feeling like a push-over all by yourself, my friend (which happens after a certain period of time). We start believing that it’ll be okay and then question our own reasoning. Please stay positive, ’cause you’ve the potential to!! I take pride in knowing you, Lorrie. Hope you and the family have a fantastic Christmas! Large shiny-fluffy clouds of love and joy for you! Please take good care! <3 <3 <3 <3
Oh my dear friend, yes…this was the very long night! As hard as it was I am so grateful for all that I have learned. You are so correct…it is easy to start questioning ourselves. I am faced with many challenges at this time…but I am very aware of my “self” and I am trying very hard to make sure that I honor myself through the process. It is with the support from beautiful souls like you that makes this journey easier…makes it feel less lonely…and I am so grateful for you!!
Much much love and many blessings to you. I wish you wonderful peace and understanding during this most sacred holiday. Merry Christmas to you!! <3 <3
Exactly, Lorrie, honour yourself through this process and all shall fall at the right place…those are not empty words my friend, I believe in your strength and the bond you share with so many people around the globe!! You make a difference and YOU count! Will ALWAYS do! 🙂 <3
Warm Christmas wishes for you and your family, dear friend! Please take good care. Much much love and many hugs! <3
Dear friend ….I SO BELIEVE!! Just as I needed to read these beautiful words exactly in this moment…Thank you!! Much love! <3
Merry Christmas!
Oh dear heart…I have not seen you for quite some time!! I pray that you are well and that you have a beautiful Merry Christmas!! <3 <3
Thank you so much! Yes, that’s exactly why I wanted to pop in to say I haven’t forgotten you my sweet friend! God bless you!
Here´s to wishing your mom to getting better sooner than later.
Thank you so much for your healing comfort! May you also have love and peace during this holiday season! <3
Much love to you — <3
(the purest kind)
Laurie
Thank you dear Laurie!! I wish you much love and many blessings <3
Hi Lorrie, just dropped in to wish you a very Merry Christmas..wish you loads of happiness and health 🙂 <3
Hi dear Maniparna!! Thank you so much for thinking of me 🙂 I hope your Christmas was beautiful!! And I wish you all good things for the coming New Year <3
Wishing and praying comfort for you with many moments of that peace that passes all understanding.
Oh…your prayers can be felt and I am so grateful 🙂 It’s funny…but as hard as the time I am living in right now is, it is opening my mind…heart…and soul to so much understanding!! Thank you…and WELCOME!
Not always easy to do but when times are hard that is when we need to practice faith the most. God never lets us down. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers sweet Lorrie. Love, hugs and blessings, Maggie
Oh Maggie!! Thank you dear heart. I am so uplifted by your support <3 Yes…that is when we need to practice faith the most!!! I agree…and I am so grateful. I hope that you had a very Merry Christmas…and I wish you so many blessings for the New Year!!! Much love <3
Praying!!! What a beautiful evolution in clarity! I was just talking to my cousin the other day. It is a hard time of life. When we were in our teens… it was a shock to the system when people got very sick and or even died. Now it is a common. But those of us who know the Lord, Well, Joy DOES come in the morning!
xoxo
Thank you, Di. Yes…life is full of changes. I am trying to be a surfer and ride the waves 😉
I’m thankful Lorrie you found God’s comfort in the Storm, I lost my Mum a few years ago too, she also was a very strong woman but her strength was in the wrong foundation which let her down in the end but I was reassured by God that she would find the right door. We never walk alone and the foundation that we all need is Jesus, He is a Solid Rock.
Isaiah 43:1-3 – Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”
Christian Love – Anne.
http://youtu.be/PlZGRydoUpQ
Anne…Thank you sooooooo much!! Your words bring such comfort and are full of reminders of hope and faith! We are all adjusting…and I am so grateful for all that I learn. This is a wonderful life so full of blessings. I know that I never walk alone 🙂 Thank you for your beautiful words <3