This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation. The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order: Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness
*Disclaimer: Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature. Please read and explore in safety.
In the darkness there is a thread
I can see it hanging
And I have the urge to pull it
I know from past experience that even a little tug
Will unravel all that is securely in place
All that is neatly hemmed
Uniform
Clean
If I let it rip
That tiny thread will undo a lifetime of holding it in place
It will leave a crease
A stain
A mark
On an otherwise smooth surface of buried memories
Still
I wonder how terrible would it really be to
Unleash the chains that were self-imposed
Left to wander
But not too far
Just in case
Just in case
In the darkness my fingers toyed with the thread
As my mind toyed with my heart
Thumb and index finger rolled the thread around
Felt the texture
Felt the spun silk
It was alluring
It was seductive
I was almost convinced
So I pulled
A gentle tug
A stitch undone
It was exhilarating
It was exciting to be walking in the
Realm of the forbidden
To be insubordinate to the secrets
That have been in control
Another stitch….
An inch or so
But the fear of a mile made me drop it
Dead in my tracks
As I turned my back
And nursed the wounds of my psyche
The scars of my memories
The horrors of exile
I wrapped myself in the cocoon of safety
In the pristine hem that has held it all together
For all these years
Left with an exposed inch
I feel that it is possible to explore it
It is truth revealed for my curious mind
That at times would question the validity
It was enough
For now
I am safe and armed with this inch of knowledge
I feel another chain in the link of bondage on my soul has been removed
And I feel lighter
Freer
Happier
Safer
And above all else
I feel more capable to hold the little girl
And to love her unconditionally
And to cry
With her
Blessitude
Lorrie <3
4/1/15
Very beautiful words describing the gradual process of inner healing. Thank you for touching my heart:-)
Love, Bernadette
Hi Bernadette!! Oh…Thank you!! 🙂 It is a process isn’t it? We go at the pace that allows us to stay (almost) whole…at a pace that doesn’t shatter the psyche that surrounds the soul. The judgmental part of me said, “Geez…it took you long enough!” But the loving side said, “Take as much time as you need…you are safe…you are loved!” I hope your world is full of love and peace ♡♡
DON’T PULL Lorrie, some things are best left buried.
Hard though it is, please know that out of your difficulties came the beautiful strong person that you are. I admire you!
Although I don’t know you in person, I’m a pretty good judge of character and I know you’re lovely inner self shines through on your blog. Take heart hun <3
Oh, Amanda, you are so loving and kind! Thank you so much for your heartfelt response ♡ I am okay, I want you to know that. I spent many years being so afraid to “pull” the thread…living only so far because the fear kept me paralyzed at times. When I wrote this poem I had only pulled it, as I referenced, about an inch. Just enough to allow me to digest it safely. As I leaned into truth I was able to digest more…and more. Thank you so much for your very kind words, and for caring!! I wish you many blessings ♡♡
As long as you’re ok hun, not that im surprised – you are one very strong lady, and I’m proud to know you!
I dont know if you’re aware, I work in mental health services, my passion is to help people through life traumas and attempt to see them through to the other side. It is ALWAYS a blessing to know that people can move through the tears.
Thank you Lorrie for inspiring so many. <3
And thank you for your beautiful spirit!! Your passion is very admirable, and I could tell you were worried about me. I’m really good. And I wasn’t sure how to word my disclaimer at the top of my posts because I was afraid that I could cause harm to someone….which is the LAST thing I would want.
Thank you for your kind caring heart ♡♡
You are so very brave.
and your little girl is very blessed to know she is safe within you.
Much love.
Thank you dear Louise!! I love how you wrote she is within me…because I feel that now. I used to feel separate from her…she scared me. I suppose because SHE held the secrets for all these years and I was happy to allow it (not really…but the mind can play tricks on us!) Healing is such a powerful experience…I am Blessitude! ! Much love my friend ♡♡
For me, I finally learned to put my trust in God…that anything that is good for my spiritual and emotional health, He will reveal to me. I stopped trying to “fix” and remember everything myself, and just submitted all of my pain to Him. Since that time, I have been healing…one gentle layer at a time, and I have been more at peace than ever before in my life:-)
Love and blessings,
Bernadette
Thank you Bernadette! Wow…sitting here crying! And I bet you know that…I bet you can feel it! Yes, this healing would not have been possible without Him. My faith is so strong that I receive every thing I need…exactly when I need it. I also believe that the timing of this healing was no accident as events are unfolding as we speak that require great love and forgiveness!!
I am very grateful for your loving presence ♡
Isn’t it wonderful how He brings us into each other’s lives, and brings just what we need at just the right time?
I am very grateful that we have met, and I love getting to know you more and more through your posts:-)
Thanks for sharing your tender heart Lorrie. I honor you to go at your own pace and time and know that you can handle it. Many hugs and blessings my friend.
Brad…I responded but it disappeared! So if you get two you get double the love…which is what I wish for you any way!! 🙂 Thank you for always being here for me…I honor our friendship!! ♡♡
Double trouble! XD My pleasure to support and connect with you Lorrie. I am grateful for your friendship as well. <3
I write and teach writing memoirs. I sit amazed at how you continue to share your heart, your past, your present in such beautiful words that convey who you are. The words flow from your heart and allow us to know who you are. I like that. 🙂
Thank you, Andy!! That is such a beautiful compliment. And your are correct…the words do flow from my heart and my soul ♡ I’m happy you see me!! And I am so happy to see you, too! 🙂
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Wow, sweet Lorrie this is amazing. How you put your feelings, experiences and thoughts into words that are so revealing is just over-the-top. I think your gift for word usage is so that no matter who reads your words they can relate to them and their own experiences and situations. Big, big hugs and blessings.
Oh Maggie…that is so sweet of you!! My heart is touched by your beautiful words. If what you say is true then I couldn’t be happier ♡ Much love to you, I hope things are starting to settle into a routine that is doable! ♡♡♡
I truly believe what I said. It is getting easier for me most days. Every day is different though so some days there is not much of a routine. We move right along though. Hugs
I know you can do it…I am your biggest cheerleader!! <3
Cry and let it all out. That’s what I say. Some people think that crying is a sign of weakness. Not me. It’s a sign of strength and health. Did you know that when you cry, you release harmful chemicals and toxins? Ahhhh, now that sounds like a good way to stay healthy to me. And to get healthy. I cry a lot too.
🙂 <3
Let those tears wash away all that is no longer helpful…no longer needed! I appreciate your support, Staci. And I agree…sometimes if I haven’t cried for a while when I finally do everything seems so much better! ♡♡
<3
Beautiful..the healing must come from within, and, I believe, tears wash away all the haunting memories making our soul fresh again…
That is so beautiful, Maniparna 🙂 I hope your soul is fresh 🙂 <3
One inch at a time
You and your little girl
Finding healing and love
Hugs
xoxo
Yes!! United once again, Val. Sometimes baby steps get you where you need to go faster than running! Blessings ♡
That was powerful. The way you described the conflict. It is intriguing, too The thought of something neatly hemmed that perhaps shouldn’t be…something that kept you in bondage. I like the terms you used. They make me think. I do that, too.
Blessings,
Theresa
Hi Theresa. Thanks for continuing on the journey! Yes…it was a meditation and I actually saw the thread. And it was like I knew that what was hemmed was really scary…what was neatly tucked inside for so long was trying to come out. But it was up to me to decide to pull the thread…or not. Thank you so much for being here ♡♡
I love that…just another thread. I have felt that way. The excitement and emotion. You are on a beautiful journey Lorrie. Keep digging deep soul sister 🙏
Thank you dear Lisa! It has been most empowering to face what I feared for most of my life!!! And in the process, to experience love taking the place of that fear has been incredible!!! I’m so happy you are a part of this ♡
Threads I understand. This was very moving and well said. Thanks for putting it out there.
😉 Thank you!! I’m happy it spoke to you. Many blessings ♡
Just want to say that I am here, sending LOVE <3 <3 <3
Thank you my dear sweet Trini!! I send you wonderful thoughts also ♡♡♡
Thank you <3 shoulder is better, but doc says it is due to excess writing and typing, so I need to rest it <3
Intensely beautiful Lorrie! Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you!! It means so much to me that you are here ♡ I hope your world is full of love and peace!!
Thank you Lorrie! Love and peace to you always!
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I am happier when I hear you say: Freer, Happier, Safer. You made my day. Peace, Harlon
Yes!! Thank you Harlon 🙂 That is a much better frequency to vibrate at…eh? Hope you are working on other things that promote happiness 🙂 Beautiful Thursday ♡
I really liked that part about becoming insubordinate to secrets. You are claiming your freedom, at your own pace, one inch at a time. Then when I read the ending: And above all else/I feel more capable to hold the little girl/And to love her unconditionally/And to cry/With her, my soul wanted to cry and shout, Yay! at the same time. This is truly beautiful and courageous work. In addition to your loving blogging community hear, I hope you have plenty of other support, in person, and of course, God is always available to hug you as you hug your sweet child. It helps to have a broad support network. Sending hugs 🙂
Yes, JoAnne…we all need a giant network of support don’t we? I am learning to allow myself to be supported…and to love and support myself as well. I am very lucky to have a few very good sources who are non judgmental and offer comfort while I do this at my own pace 🙂 And I have felt the presence of God and Angels throughout my life!! I would never have made it without love!! I’m so happy you are here and I appreciate your support so much!! I hope all is super in your world!! <3 <3
This was remarkable Lorrie in that I pulled a thread of my own recently… 😉 It takes courage to share and skill to portray your thoughts as have beautifully done here.. <3 Love to you my friend Sue
Oh, Sue! I knew you were going through something. I send you beautiful white healing energy…and LOVE…because no matter what is going on, love is the answer. Thank you for your very kind words. I wish I could take credit for this work…but the writings just come…and I barely edit at all. When I realized how they mirrored my healing and spoke of what was happening at each stage it hit me to make it a series. I still have some fear putting it “out” there, but I believe I was guided to do it. Much love Sue. Take care of yourself…love yourself ♡
Please never fear ~Putting it out~ into the world Lorrie… so many need to read what you write… and in my part 2 of a post I will reveal what I have been doing Self healing wise 🙂
I will be there soon Sue…I am here for you! Thank you for easing my mind <3