This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation. The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order: Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness
*Disclaimer: Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature. Please read and explore in safety.
I didn’t want to be seen
I didn’t want to be known
Stand against the wall
Become a flower
It is safer to hide
Safer to swallow the truth
Don’t leave any remnants
Hungry birds come to collect them
If I can’t see what happened to me
Then I certainly don’t want anyone else to see it
But they did see it
And they said nothing
They left me to fend for myself in a maze of vile putrefication
The only way to handle the gross violation was to pretend it wasn’t there
And the only way to pretend it wasn’t there was to pretend to sleep
And the only way to pretend to sleep was to try really really hard to sleep
If I could trick my mind into sleeping so soundly that a bomb couldn’t wake me
Then I could actually get up in the morning
And not shrink into the paneling
Or become a velvet flower of the wall paper
You tried to talk to me once
You were a new man
You needed to “come clean”
You needed to get it off your chest
You created such an explosion of fear
I couldn’t breath
No no no! My words stuck under the heavy carpet of truth
I couldn’t speak
I couldn’t hear it
I couldn’t face it
I couldn’t remember it
No!
No!
Not then
So I ran
I ran out of the trailer
And out of your life
But I ran out of my life too
And it wasn’t right
And it didn’t feel fair
And I was angry
And I was mean
And I was sick
And I did everything I could do to numb my mind
To stifle my soul
To protect my essence
But there was no protection
I was the one who decided
That I was worthless
And I was the one who decided
That I needed to be punished
I was born bad
Why else would this happen to me
I must have deserved it
I must have wanted it
He told me I asked for it
I must have made him do it
How terrible that I would ruin someone else’s life
By making them a part of my sickness
Blessitude
Lorrie <3
4/3/15
Lots of love to you dear Lorrie, as you continue to work through this extraordinary time-lapsed odyssey. I want to let you know that I have been following and reading, though have not felt it appropriate to comment, and also that I shall be away on my travels for the next 3 weeks. I will see you upon my return and in the meantime wish you peace and well-being dear friend. Hariod <3
oh, dear Hariod…I know you have been here…and I have felt your presence!!! I know the subject matter is not one that is of a “light” nature and you do not need to explain anything. I am grateful for your friendship and I will be over to your blog soon to catch up 🙂 I have been through a very amazing time with highs and lows but I am so grateful for all I have learned. Understanding is very empowering and I wish to help others who are going through pain. I hope you have safe travels and that all is super wonderful in your world!!! <3 <3. And thank you for being here 🙂
I’ve been reading backwards but this one rocked me. Why does it feel so familiar?
I’m so sorry!! I hope that you have a support system…and please read my posts for the next 2 days for closure. I pray for you and send you healing energy. This post was the most powerful….the others I think (or hoped) gently led up to this. I am sorry you got this out of order…I was a little reticent to post this one in case something like this happened. I send you much love …and healing energy ♡♡♡
It’s all good, Lorrie. Just know you are never alone.
Sounds like a painful process Lorrie. Thanks for sharing your brave and vulnerable journey with us. I hope you have released, healed and reclaimed your true self. Many hugs and blessings to you Lorrie.
Thank you my dear dear friend Brad!! Yes!! I am all of the above and I am so grateful for the support you have shown me!! Not only through this series but since I have joined WP…you are a stellar soul ♡♡
You are most welcome Lorrie. It’s been a delight getting to know you. Hugs,
These words are so powerful, they take us right to where you were…the horror of it all! Of course, none of us can know the full extent of the “vile putrefication” you experienced. To live through this period of time, while dying inside, must have been horrific for you!
But you came out on the other side. You are becoming whole again…healing a bit more with the passing of time. You were tough enough to stand up and fight this experience back. And God Almighty lifted you up…and continues to do so…
You are a joy to know, Lorrie, a blessing to us. You are loved by the Lord, and by all of us with whom you trust to share this traumatic time. Push forward and heal…heal completely!
<3
~Steve
Oh, Steve…your words bring tears to my eyes…not of sadness, but of faith!! Yes, this is not a path any one would choose to be on, but I am on the other side of it…and there will always be healing when you are ready to heal. And I could not have done this alone…That is for sure!!
Thank you for your beautiful support…I am very grateful 🙂 Many blessings back to you ♡
Let happiness and comfort sooth your mind and comfort you. Let the sunshine of a new day sink in and warm your soul.
The Lord provides for you in many ways, with His own care, and guiding the love of others who gather around you as well.
Let out the bad, dispose of it all. Let in the good and embrace it completely. This is the path which is set out for you now…
Bless you Lorrie as you transform from what was, to what now is, and will be…
<3
~Steve
Thank you for this beautiful prayer …many blessings. Hope you have a super weekend 🙂
So much and so hard for one soul to bear alone.
May these words help to heal you and all those who come to read them Lorrie.
Sending you light and lightness.
xo
And I receive the light and lightness with very open arms, Val!! Thank you so much for your unending support. I hope that your words are true for any who come to read this series! I can attest to the fact that these words, when written, were of healing! So I pray the energy that stays with them is healing and that anybody who needs more help will find it when they need it. Much love, Val ♡♡
Beautiful image and poem!
🙂 Thank you so! Many blessings to you ♡
Wow, such power in your words, Laurie! The part about walking out of another person’s life and at the same time walking out of your one’s own life brought back memories. <3
It’s funny how we think we are doing one thing that is good for us…and it turns out it is not! I hope you had healing and that your life is full of love and joy ♡
I was away and now have read the Odyssey this far. It is a very powerful journey. May healing light seep through every inch of the hem you open. Sending love and blessings.
Oh, Tiny…Thank you so much ♡ Yes…healing light…I see it as white light….washes through my body. Many blessings to you, I really appreciate your support!
Oh, Lorrie.. I am always amazed when someone puts it “all” out there. Such power exists when we do this. I know such words do not lessen your pain in any way, but we are all profoundly healed when someone speaks her truth.
Oh…but they do lessen my pain! I am so grateful for the loving support I have received here Kim! And I pray that what you say is true ….I pray that the healing energy reaches out and promotes more healing. Thank you for being here ♡
So heart breaking sweet Lorrie…keep on writing and healing dear friend. You are so special and your writing is so powerful. Sending you much love and many hugs…blessings dear Lorrie
Thank you Maggie ♡ I so love to read your comments, you always leave me with a huge smile on my face 🙂 I am doing really well and I heal a little more every day. Much love to you and Shug …have a very happy Easter ♡♡
I’m right here with you. Also I am sending love to little Lorrie who thought she was bad, sending this clear message back in time to the younger you: You are not bad. He was very wrong. You are beautiful and strong, and YOU ARE GOOD. I know it’s hard to feel that way right now, but some day, you will know this. Some day you will claim your strength. You will grow wise, and you will grow to love yourself. You are deeply loved, now and forever.
Your words are very soothing to me (and little Lorrie 😉 ) JoAnne! Thank you for your honest support. And you nailed it with the self love concept. I have been working very hard in this area for a few years and it is probably the most basic place to start in the healing process. I want you to know that I am ok…I really am. It has been years since my mind first started to give me clues. Then I spent my time in the weird place of thinking I was so terrible for even considering such a thing! That stage lasted a long time and I was very willing to continue to punish myself….in many ways! What happened very recently was the puzzle pieces all fit together. And I can only assume that my psyche allowed it now because I AM READY! I can handle it…and I can forgive. It has been an amazing time in my life! I am so grateful to you and I send you so much love ♡♡ Have a beautiful Easter JoAnne, and thank you 🙂
Oh my goodness Lorrie. It sounds like you were in a pretty bad relationship before. Sure am glad you got out of that.
🙂 <3
Thanks for your support Staci! Hope all is beautiful in your world ♡♡
I’m sure I can find beauty if I just slow down a bit and notice it. Thanks Lorrie. Hope you had a lovely Easter.
🙂 <3
You too, dear one!! Many blessings <3
Wow…this one really hit me hard. I was also told “If anything happened it was YOU.”
God bless you for sharing your journey:-)
I’m sorry to hear that Bernadette. I wish you beautiful healing energy and pray that you know the truth…not someone else’s…but YOURS!! Much love my friend. I am here for you…always ♡♡
Much love and blessings to you:-)
♡♡
…better to be a bottle of spilled perfume than a plastic flower, eventually discarded. The aroma of your life, sinking – seemingly forgotten, into the fertile earth – reaches up into the heavens…where Love offers you a Resurrection name…
This is so beautiful!! I thank you, I truly do. I read my post again just now after a family wedding yesterday…and I am so grateful for my healing. Welcome…may your day be filled with many blessings ♡