It is hard to put into words, and I reason with myself…is it necessary to try to remember it so that I can document it? Isn’t it enough that it was my reality and I had to hold on to the idea of light just to make it through?
I suspended life…I disconnected from my soul. It was almost like I had to protect the most beautiful part of me from the ugliness and the sheer terror of the place I was thrust in to. Was I wrong to try to protect myself by leaving? Did I lose the life force because I voluntarily set it aside in the hope that I could step back into my skin and carry on business as usual?
It’s been days since the terror ended…and I am changed. The fear that exists inside is the same one I have always had. I am alone…at a time when I needed to be the full expression of the power of my soul, I sought to separate and go it alone. I reverted to a life that had been ingrained in my DNA for eons…out of what…? Habit?
And now I am left in the aftermath with broken pieces. I lift them up from the ground and it sifts through my fingertips like the sand on the beach that I love. I know they all belong to me, but I am having trouble putting them back where they belong. And then I am frozen with fear as I wonder whether all the pieces are, in fact, there! What if I lost something along the way…what if, in trying to protect my splintered world, I lost a piece – a most valuable piece of me – and I can never be the same?
For now I gather the grains and I hold them tight and I pat myself down to keep the parts that are there – intact. I look out from eyes that are changed and the winds of time whisper the question, “Have you learned nothing at all?”
And a tear slides down my cheek and drops to the ground and the sound that reverberates is deafening.
Blessitude
Lorrie <3
3/7/16
Hello my friends! I have missed you all so much! I was riding so high and then I was knocked off my horse and it is taking time for me to dust myself off…and get back on.
I could feel the winds of change blowing but I had no idea the extent to which they would blow. I had a drama that brought up many old icky patterns and before I could sort that out I got the flu for the first time in over 20 years! And it hurt! The fever must have been terribly high as I was thrust into dreams/hallucinations that were both terrifying and frightening. I used to wonder why they said the flu could kill the very young and the very old. That was because my only other bout with it had been mild. Now I understand and, though I don’t fit in either of those categories, I feel very fortunate that it didn’t kill me.
I have been so disconnected and I have not had the desire to do…ANYTHING! I don’t feel like me and quite frankly, it is very scary. It is a huge step for me to even post this. But deep in my heart I know that it is the connection that I need. Bless you dear souls…I am sorry I have missed what is going on in your worlds. I will be over soon to catch up.
Lorrie <3
Oh, my. Welcome back to your space. Holding you high in my beams of love.
Hi John! I love “Welcome back to your space!” It truly is a space we occupy here…isn’t it? Thank you for the love…as I know this is the answer <3
You don’t owe anyone any apologies. You did what you had to do. Sometimes we put too high expectations upon ourselves.
I battled an upper respiratory and ear infection in early February.
Wish I could have disconnected but I had to work. Dealing with so many rude nasty people almost made me smack somebody but fortunately for them I went on vacation!
Hi DeBorah! Sad to hear you were not well…but so happy to hear you got to go on a much needed vacation!! I appreciate your connection…thank you for your beautiful support <3
Wow Lorrie. This sounds like you’ve been through a lot physically and emotionally. I don’t know what is best for you, only that I hold you in love and appreciation and encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Maybe it’s time to rest or let some things fall away. And I’m happy to listen, connect and hold space for you. Hugs and blessings my friend. <3
Oh, Brad…wow right back to you! Your words touched me so deeply…and it would seem that your compassionate heart is in full swing…that makes me so happy. I’m not sure what is best for me either…strike that…I do know…I think the only answer in times like this is LOVE! Just LOVE!! <3 <3
Thanks Lorrie. Your comment reminds me of the Beatles song Love is all you need! 🙂
Love…love…love…
😉 <3
right on! 🙂
Hey Lorrie,
Sounds really intense. So glad you are back with us and I hope you feel more like yourself soon. I will be thinking of you, sending you good vibes.
Much love,
Mary
Hi Mary…thank you so much…those vibes are much appreciated and I know they will spark good things 🙂 I hope all is super with you…I started reading one of your posts yesterday…one inspired by Michael…and I got interrupted and did not get to finish it…but I will be back over soon. I love the connections we have here…and the way we are inspired by each other. <3 <3
Me too, Lorrie. <3
Those ‘old patterns’ never quite dissolve entirely, do they, dear Lorrie? And yet in seeing them as just that, as you are, and in their repetition and subsequent recognition of what they are, their power diminishes, like the withdrawing waves of an ebbing tide. I wish you a speedy return to full health, and send you much love in the meantime. H <3
That truly is the answer isn’t it Hariod? I think I spend so much time fighting what I no longer want that all I do is strengthen it! It is a concept I am fully aware of, but sometimes the fear is so great that it clouds all other vision…and this is the paradox. The whole “allowing” thing…it seems silly to say that “I have to work on that.” Thank you for the well wishes…our health is something we take for granted until we don’t have it. I accept your love like a warm blanket and send you back a giant hug for being you!! <3
Just popping back to see if you are okay, my friend – for some unknown reason I suddenly started to think of you. H <3
Well…that makes me feel good, Hariod!! I know I am MIA…and even though it is all good things happening in my life, I miss being here!! Sending you warm thoughts of love and light ♡ Thank you for thinking of me!!
My heart goes out to you. I am praying that you will experience a full and speedy recovery. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Blessings,
Theresa
Thank you, Theresa! I feel so vulnerable and not at all like myself. It’s nice to hear your wonderful support…I send you lots of love and blessings right back to you <3
Hi Lorrie, like you, the energy in my life right now is very intense. Here’s my spin….we are releasing the last residues of our old patterns, preparing the way for a beautiful shift for humanity. Keep shining your light, dear one. You’re exactly in the right place at the right time.
Yes! Thank you <3 <3 I think perhaps that has been the scariest place of all…in the past no matter what was happening I always had the faith that everything was unfolding exactly the way it was supposed to! This time feels so different and it has been hard to find my faith…but it is there…and your beautiful soul helps me to know it!! Thank you …and may you weather your energy field with grace! <3
Lorie, I am so glad you are still with us!
Oh, Michael…SO AM I!! 😉 Thank you my friend…thank you! <3
Oh, darn! I misspelled Lorrie!
Not a problem…I know who you meant 😉 Hehe
Welcome back dearheart. God tests the pure to bring them closer to Him. That’s what I believe anyway! Hugs and warmth to you!
And I will hold your words close to my heart…Thank you my friend…many blessings and a giant hug right back to you <3
<3
Trust and take another step forward. You can and will. Peace, love, and joy!
So many times, Dennis, I read your words and feel they are directed to me. You always help me in my times of wonder and/or struggle. I just want you to know that. Thank you, my friend <3
Have missed you!
Thank you for touching my heart ♡
Sending healing hopes and prayers your way Lorrie. I am so sorry my friend. Give yourself time and lots of TLC~
It sounds like a perfect prescription, Cindy! Thank you so much for your generous heart…I will heed your advice ♡♡
Dear Lorrie, what an intimate reflection on fear and doubt. It is something – no surprise here 0 that I can related to something. As I get through each struggle, get through each day, in spite of the obstacles and in spite of the age, I get through it. Each time, I am slightly more fragmented and I enter the experience feeling fractured. Each time, I reassemble, some pieces are missing but new ones fit and expand the scan and scope of the puzzle. The puzzle of life; to mine you have given me inspiration, courage, hope and love. Wishing your puzzle gets the same treatment. Love, Harlon
Oh…Harlon!! I knew you would understand my state …of mind…emotionality…spirituality. I thank you for your beautifully kind words and I need you to know that you have given me the same kind of inspiration!! I like that you said even though pieces are possibly missing…the other pieces expand and fit. I am in the midst of many changes taking place in my life…some of them are daunting and will require strength…both physical and emotional. I am so grateful to have you…to be connected to you…I am so happy we are soul friends!!! Much love…and many blessings to you ♡♡
I hope the worst is behind you (in all regards).
Thank you for your best wishes…I do believe it is true…and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I wish you beautiful peace!
My heart goes out to you. Hope you’ve made a full recovery. Take each day easy. Don’t over do any daily chores. God bless.
Thank you for your blessing my friend 🙂 I will honor my body and listen to your sage advice. I am grateful for your kindness!
So glad you are back! I hope you are well now dear! xxx
Bless your dear heart ♡ I am walking forward in love!
It is right to protect and nurture yourself. I pray and believe that anything lost will return or else it will allow space for something better to take its place. Though it’s scary and painful, I feel this is a growth time for you. Do take care and rest in the palm of God’s capable hand. Sending
love and hugs! <3
Ah! JoAnna….”rest in the palm of God’s capable hand!” Yes…thank you so much for your beautiful thoughts and for the idea that there will be growth from this. I do believe you are correct…and a walk on the beach today did wonders for my soul. I am so grateful for the wonderful souls who have reached out to me. I hope you are well, JoAnna!! <3
So glad you are in the mend Lorrie ❤️
I love this raw and moving post. Sometimes we need to really experience a different reality before we can love our own.
Sending light and lightness to heal and guide your way.
xo
Thank you, Val! Yes…I can understand what you are saying here. And I fully accept the light and good wishes. Thank you for being a beautiful soul and for always shining your light! <3
welcome back, health, courage and serenity, Miss Lorrie! <3 remember that everything is temporary… nothing is permanent, subject to change: being is always becoming… wherever there is light, there is shadow, wherever there is white, there is black… 🙂
* * *
my very best, positive vibes and friendly thoughts…
Thank you, dear Me’lanie 🙂 Many blessings back to you ♡
Huge hugs my friend and so sorry to hear the ordeal you had to go through…sending you love and blessings <3
Thank you , Neha. It’s so wonderful to have such loving support 🙂 I had a great day yesterday …it was the first day I felt like ME!! Blessings my friend ♡
I am so glad you are starting to feel like “you” again!
🙂 🙂 So am I, Neha!!
You will be even more beautiful my dear , loving friend …is there sadness in beauty , yes . Is there beauty in sadness , yes too ….hugs and always love Lorrie ( I so stand with you under ” The Bridge of Sighs ” ) …megxxx
Hi Meg…Thank you my sister…I understand what you are saying and I am trying to embrace it all!! Much love to you…and thank you! Your words leave a stilling, beautiful energy ♡♡♡
Hello Lorrie,
I loved the art you chose to attend this piece. I thought it captured these feelings quite well somehow– feelings we’ve all had. Sometimes it’s like slow motion… watching the hurricane of uncertainty and doubt move in on the radar screen, watching it gather on the horizon, watching it start to shake the trees. We run for cover. We cope. We deal. We have nothing but what we’ve known to fall back on…
I find new patterns incredibly difficult to birth. It helps to know nothing can be lost that truly matters. That’s one of those statements our minds can turn into something self-defeating or demoralizing, but I don’t think the pieces are meant to go back in the same way as before. That’s part of the movement and the creation of life. We are broken open to reform into something new, something unexpected perhaps, and holy.
I hope you are well… Sickness for me compounds the emotions and really adds to the chaos sometimes. There can be a “piling on” when the emotional and physical bodies are both throwing up their hands… It sounds like the attraction of a profound opening, and the making of space for new life…
Peace and Love,
Michael
Ah! Michael…the wisdom of your soul speaks with incredible clarity and it touches me so deeply! Yes…to see the storm on the radar…”The Hurricane of uncertainty” approaching…and then to be smack dab in the middle of it…where you are tossed about and lose your footing…can be very disconcerting.
I love that you said you don’t think the pieces are meant to go back the same way as before…that might just be where I need to fix my sights…and to know that the “shift” of pieces is exactly what had to happen for the next phase to take place!!
Yesterday was the first day in two weeks where I felt like myself…where I had energy and actually embraced the day and all it had to hold….I am grateful 🙂
Thank you for your incredible insight. I am touched by your love ♡♡
There have been many beautiful words and thoughts here for you that no others need be said. I’m holding good thoughts for you and hoping you have a wonderfilled weekend and coming days. I have stepped out of my body several times and discovered it changed when I returned. I learned to adjust to the stranger and incorporate her and the new experiences. Life is not always easy but it is interesting. I’ve learned so much from the hard times.
Oh, Marlene…yes…that is exactly what it felt like “I have stepped out of my body several times!” It was such a strange experience…try as I did I could not get to the love that lives inside…and I have to say that it was frightening!! I am settling now and my feelings have changed…I can feel the love…but I will always have a memory of how void I was…and I pray that I can always access that place!!
I hope that you are in a very good place my friend…I send you much love and many blessings ♡♡
I’ve learned a lot since then and am in a wonderful place now. Sometimes, stepping out is the best thing to do. It’s a method of protection and we are never abandoned. Giant hugs, Lorrie.
Thank you, Marlene ♡ I have been sitting with all that happened and while some of it does not yet make sense, I am at peace with it. I am in the beginning of much change in my life and while most of it can be viewed as good…it is change none the less. I appreciate your wonderful soul…Thank you for your connection 🙂 ♡♡
Oh my Lorrie. It sounds like you have been having some rather unpleasantly intense experiences in your life. Wow, first flu in 20 years? That’s a long time to go without getting it. I had no idea that hallucinations could happen with the flu. I hope you are feeling much better now.
I have been away. Just got back last night. I wanted to read your post before I traveled, but I was so busy and ended up not being able to.
Lorrie, I also have been going through some rough times. It has thrown me all off. I haven’t been sleeping, which in turn has been affecting my moods. I have to get up very early because my daughter starts school at 7:00 am, and after that I homeschool my son with Asperger’s. I’ve felt depressed, anxious, exhausted and very impatient. Last night I slept though, and for that I am very thankful. Hopefully things will be looking up for both you and me, my friend. I certainly hope so.
Bless you 🙂 <3
Oh…dear Staci…I am so sorry to hear that you are having troubles 🙁 I am not very good when I can’t sleep so I can empathize with you there. All of the feelings you listed have been running around in my soul….it feels like I should be doing something but I don’t know what it is. I think there must be something in the air as many of the wonderful souls here on WP have told me that they, too, have been having this strange energy! I pray for us all to re-connect to our aource…and to bathe in love!!
I am much better than I was…and I even figures out some of what was bothering me emotionally…I will post about it soon. On a good note…I finished the glass piece I was working on in time to enter it into the contest this Friday. It was so scary ….when I was REALLY bad…I HATED it and COULD NOT work on it!!! It was so bizarre because I had put my heart and soul into him…and I loved him so much!! I am so grateful those horrible feelings went away and I am able to love him again!
I send you heartfelt energy for healing this time in your life…I understand Staci…I dug seep into my faith…and that was perhaps the hardest part…that I had to dig so deep for something that was so readily available to me before. Much love my friend ♡♡♡♡
Hi Lorrie, the last couple of nights I have had some success in falling asleep, thankfully. Let’s hope that this continues.
I’m glad you finished the glass piece, and wow, a contest? Is the contest just amongst the people in your class, or for something else? Sounds great. I’m sure the art piece is beautiful, if it’s anything like your flower plate. 🙂 <3
All the best to you Lorrie. I hope and pray that light fills your heart.
🙂 <3
Thanks dear Staci!! The contest is run by the glass studio where I took the classes…I believe the contest was open to anyone in the community. I pushed send today for my entry…it felt good to be done with the project. I will post about it soon 🙂
I am happy you had some sleeping success…yayy!!! (As I had insomnia last night!)
Much love to you friend ♡♡♡
Oh no. You had insomnia? Sorry to hear that Lorrie. I hope it’s short lived.
Good luck at the contest. I’m rooting for ya. 🙂
I look forward to your post about it.
Love and hugs. <3
Welcome back, Lorrie. You’ve been through a lot, but writing this post is a good step. A warm hug to you.
Hi Cynthia! Thank you so much for your caring words…I want you to know that I appreciate them greatly!! I am doing much better and will be posting again soon. Life has a way of blowing up sometimes…how we deal with it determines what comes after. I am grateful for the support I have experienced here. I hope that good things are abundant in your life!! ♡
I was wondering what was going on since you had disappeared for quite a while. I know how that feels not to want to do anything. It’s not just want, it’s sometimes total lack of energy. I’m glad to hear you are over flu and feeling better. I have no doubt, the life will get back on track. It can be difficult, it can take a few attempts, but it eventually will be fine. Everything. Bless you and stay calm and happy!
My dear, dear friend!! Thank you so much for your ever faithful support!! <3 It was a terrible time and I know now that I have grown through it. It is not something I wish to repeat, but I also know that every thing happens just as it should. I am much better now…just very busy with new ventures and I hope to post something soon. I hope you are super wonderful and that there is lots of light in your world!! Thank you again, Inese! <3 <3
I have been away and just now catching up. I am sorry you had to go through such an ordeal, dear Lorrie. I send you light and love for complete healing. And a gigantic hug <3
And I grab the hug and send it back!!! Thank you Tiny! It was not fun…but I am doing much, much better!! It was very strange and not something I would like to repeat…the sickness was one thing…but the way I felt after…ugh!!!!
I hope your travels were super and look forward to catching up on your blog!! <3 <3
Sounds like a very disconcerting experience Lorrie, no wonder it left you not feeling like yourself. I hope you’re feeling much better (and more like yourself) now. Love and light to you! <3
Thank you so much, Jewels!! I am so much better…and I miss being here! Many things are happening in my life right now…good things 🙂 I hope that all is super in your world ♡
So glad you hear you’re better and that good things are happening in your life right now! <3
All is babies in my world right now – enjoying my new little granddaughter. 🙂 Hugs! <3
Thank you!!! 🙂 🙂 best wishes to you ♡
Hi Lorrie…wow, I hope you’re feeling better now. It was good to see that you took the time to visit me. I’ve been having some problems with my comment section on my website, so I hope you get this. Have a great day and I hope to hear from you again soon…
Steve 🙂
Thanks Steve 🙂 Yes…I am much better…and I appreciate your concern and good wishes 🙂 I hope that you are also doing well…and yes…I got this comment no problem. Take care of yourself 🙂
And you do the same, Lorrie! I’m not sure what’s happening with the comment portion of my website. Oh well, I’m getting by okay I guess.
Have a good one!
Steve
Great words and image, Lorrie 🙂
Thanks so much Laine…I appreciate your support! Hope all is well with you 🙂
All is well. I don’t seem to be getting your posts in my reader, so I came to find you 🙂
That’s awesome!!…that you came to find me…not that I don’t show up in your reader!! 😉 again…hope all is super in your world!! ♡
Lorrie forgive me I missed this post of yours and I had been wondering how you were, As I have withdrawn a little from the technical world and have not been doing my regular usual rounds and only replying and visiting commentors recently..
I hope you are feeling much stronger now and recovering from your serious bout of flu..
Know you have been in my thoughts this last week..
I hope the smile is returning and you have done battle with your demons.. I know how they so often lay in wait to plunge us back into the depths for a time.. But I also know your inner Light will keep you strong and will pull you back into stronger health..
Love and Healing thoughts dear Lorrie..
Sue <3
Ah, Sue! What a breath of love and light to see you here ♡ I am doing so much better…Thank you!! My health is restores…as is my incredibly beautiful outlook on life…to be alive and to be able to experience the wonderful things I am offered…wow! Blessitude is the word for how I feel. I have so many changes going on at once in my world…as first I had a little fear about some of it. But I am not dwelling in that energy…and I believe that amazing things are happening…and nd will continue to happen 🙂 I miss being here…and hope to catch up soon. I pray that you are living your life with gusts dear friend…and nd nd nd I am so grateful for you. It tingles my heart to know that you have been thinking of me. Much love, Sue. I will be over soon to catch up ♡♡♡
Lorrie no worries at all about catching up.. so long as you are well and doing what you love to do.. Makes my heart so pleased .. We each have to embrace ‘Life’ that makes us smile.. And I am smiling you are feeling renewed energy in the knowledge that amazing things WILL Happen in your life.. For you are so deserving of them. <3 xxxx Much love.. Sue xxx
♡♡
speedy recovery. vw
Many thanks, my friend! I hope that all is well with you. I am much better <3
Glad…vw
I was so excited to see your name on my post this morning Lorrie — and so sad to read that you have been hit so hard with life’s travails. yet, as so many have said, this is the clearing out, the pushing through, the tearing out those final ingrained patterns. In this place, the light shines most brightly, and your light will create the shift we all need as one humanity to create better in the world.
Keep shining bright. It is in the darkness that the light is needed most. <3
Thank you dear Louise! I so cherish your words as they go deep to my heart. It is truth…and truth is a wonderful thing. In all of life…the good and the not so good…it is all there to be experienced. The way we handle the times that are a struggle will determine many things. The most important thing is our outlook…which is a reflection of what is inside!! Much love to you dear wonderful soul <3
Dear. sweet Lorrie, I have been reading some of your posts. It breaks my heart to read that you have been ill and have been going through a really rough time. Don’t worry about any puzzle pieces that may have been lost, if they were you no longer need them and the puzzle will come together just as it should. You will be stronger and doing much better when it all does. I have not been here to visit you but you have certainly been in my thoughts and you are in every prayer I pray for friends and family. You are so sweet and I am so happy to have met you via our blogs. You are precious and encouraging to me. Sending love and hugs to you <3
Dear sweet Maggie…I just love what you said! I do think it was a “clearing out” of things I no longer needes. I am doing much better now and I am involved in a new adventure which is challenging…and satisfying. I think of you also and I always keep you in my prayers. I feel so grateful to have met you here!! Blessitude ♡♡
Sweet Lorrie I am so happy to hear that you are doing better and have begun a new adventure. Wishing you all the best dear friend. The feeling is mutual of us meeting here. Love, prayers and blessings coming your way with lots of hugs.
OK GIRL…I SEE YOU AGAIN HERE!!!, as the wings of your heart find there place, we remember the grace of “knowing” WE are exactly in the right place at the perfect time. When you post again , We will connect again and this time your wings will stay open. SEEING YOUR HEART MY FRIEND…. A NO VICTIM STANCE BECOMES A PRO HEART STANCE. ALL perfect
LOVE YOU ALL WAYS ROBYN
Ah!! Dear Robyn…your words warm my heart and give me such a breath of love!! Yes…we shall connect…as you said in the absolute perfect time!! Much love and many blessings my friend! ♡♡
It’s interesting that you had the ‘flu so badly and felt wiped out (wiped clean?) afterwards, because I had the same experience when I got the ‘flu at the beginning of the year. I too underestimated how bad the ‘flu can be, it was so painful when I coughed or sneezed I was screaming in pain. And even now I still feel a bit discombobulated, like I’m really uncertain where I’m heading and what I want to do. So many sympathies, Lorrie, glad you’re back on-line, but take it easy – ‘flu really knocks you as you get older, very humbling!
Oh, Mo….I’m so sorry to hear that you had a similar experience. I send you many thoughts of healing…not only your body but your soul. I like that you said “wiped clean,” because I have come to believe that is what happened. The pieces I felt that were missing…must no longer have been needed. My life changed in many, many ways right after. I am still adjusting to the changes…many are good…but it is change none the less…and we are creatures of habit so the landscape is different and that is enough to cause some stress.
I send you loving thoughts and I thank you for sharing! ♡♡
Raw, is a good place to be, it accelerates growth.
I like how you wrote about your feelings, takes courage and vulnerability to do that.
Hi Genie! Thanks for your kind words 🙂 I just read in “A Course of Love” this morning how important it is to “show” our true selves. It does feel a bit scary at times, that’s for sure. But beautiful people like you handle my truth with sincere kindness, and I feel love and support. Blessitude! ♡
Lorrie!
So I think by this time you have caught up and come back as I see so many other posts after this one.
Your blog is interesting and you seem to be very creative.
Thanks for visiting my blog.
Fond Regards,
Shiva
Thank you so much. I m happy you stopped by…you are always welcome 🙂 Have a wonderful week!