It is hard to put into words, and I reason with myself…is it necessary to try to remember it so that I can document it? Isn’t it enough that it was my reality and I had to hold on to the idea of light just to make it through?
I suspended life…I disconnected from my soul. It was almost like I had to protect the most beautiful part of me from the ugliness and the sheer terror of the place I was thrust in to. Was I wrong to try to protect myself by leaving? Did I lose the life force because I voluntarily set it aside in the hope that I could step back into my skin and carry on business as usual?
It’s been days since the terror ended…and I am changed. The fear that exists inside is the same one I have always had. I am alone…at a time when I needed to be the full expression of the power of my soul, I sought to separate and go it alone. I reverted to a life that had been ingrained in my DNA for eons…out of what…? Habit?
And now I am left in the aftermath with broken pieces. I lift them up from the ground and it sifts through my fingertips like the sand on the beach that I love. I know they all belong to me, but I am having trouble putting them back where they belong. And then I am frozen with fear as I wonder whether all the pieces are, in fact, there! What if I lost something along the way…what if, in trying to protect my splintered world, I lost a piece – a most valuable piece of me – and I can never be the same?
For now I gather the grains and I hold them tight and I pat myself down to keep the parts that are there – intact. I look out from eyes that are changed and the winds of time whisper the question, “Have you learned nothing at all?”
And a tear slides down my cheek and drops to the ground and the sound that reverberates is deafening.
Hello my friends! I have missed you all so much! I was riding so high and then I was knocked off my horse and it is taking time for me to dust myself off…and get back on.
I could feel the winds of change blowing but I had no idea the extent to which they would blow. I had a drama that brought up many old icky patterns and before I could sort that out I got the flu for the first time in over 20 years! And it hurt! The fever must have been terribly high as I was thrust into dreams/hallucinations that were both terrifying and frightening. I used to wonder why they said the flu could kill the very young and the very old. That was because my only other bout with it had been mild. Now I understand and, though I don’t fit in either of those categories, I feel very fortunate that it didn’t kill me.
I have been so disconnected and I have not had the desire to do…ANYTHING! I don’t feel like me and quite frankly, it is very scary. It is a huge step for me to even post this. But deep in my heart I know that it is the connection that I need. Bless you dear souls…I am sorry I have missed what is going on in your worlds. I will be over soon to catch up.