It is a choice
There is no other way that you can state it
Calling it a choice
Implies fault and condemnation
For it truly is in your hands
Whether you stay and take the hit
Or if you keep yourself so far out of the inner circle of abusive energy
That there would be no way for it to touch you
I know deep in my heart
That the only thing that exists for me in these “pseudo” relationships
Is fear, pain, and then guilt and shame
So one has to stop and wonder why
I would allow myself to be in this cycle of dysfunction
And the only possible answer is
That I crave what these relationships
COULD BE
What they are
SUPPOSED TO BE
What I
WANT THEM TO BE
And so I banish any notion that things could never change
And I believe that because I have changed
That there is the possibility that they have too
And every damn time I go in
Like a puppy dog wagging my tail
And I get kicked!
And every time
I nurse my wounds
and say,
“I’m never going back in there!”
And then I always do!
I hope this time is different…
Blessitude!
Lorrie <3
11/23/16
POSTS IN THE SERIES
(Links will become active after each writing is posted)
1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition
2). Consequences ~ The Fallout
3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line
4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light
I hope you stay strong and stay out of all toxic relationships. God bless.
Yes!! Your lips to God’s…and MY ears!! Thank you Lorrie. I appreciate your support so much. Super giant hug and blessings ♡
They never change, only my perception of them changed and whether I allow those feelings. Good luck. It’s quite a journey.
Ah! Marlene! There you go…I get it…I really get it!! We are on our way home from celebrating Thanksgiving today so I didn’t have to b put myself in the line of fire!
Hope you have a house full of blessings and lots of love! Happy Thanksgiving ♡
Thank you, Lorrie. I am blessed indeed. My Thanksgiving will be a gentle one this year. I am always surrounded by love. Happy Thanksgiving to you as well.
Thank you, Marlene…I can feel your loving peace! ♡
Wow Lorrie. Thanks for your courage and vulnerability. You deserve love and can make new choices. I have faith in you. Hugs and blessings my friend. <3
Thanks, Brad. It feels good to have your confidence and support 🙂 We just had a beautiful day celebrating with love and respect and tomorrow will be one of quiet introspection. Sending lots of love and Thanks…for a wonderful Thanksgiving day!! ♡
You’re most welcome Lorrie. That sounds like a nice mix for the holiday. Happy Quietude!
Goodness….I think we’ve all been there, Lorrie. For me, it took deep reflection and some therapy to come to the conclusion that I had to let go. For me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, dearie.
Hi Debi! Thank you so much for adding your thoughts and energy here…I really appreciate it. I’m amazed at how hard, and long, this process has been for me. It definitely helps to have support from people who have gone through similar things. Wishing you many things for you to be thankful for…Happy Thanksgiving 🙂
You deserve love…
♡ Thank you, friend! I’m grateful for your words…and I feel the truth. Happy Thanksgiving ♡
You too my friend. Happy Thanksgiving!
What a beautiful and healing reflection — even though you speak of hoping to make better choices — the fact is you are okay. you are learning and growing and moving beyond those choices that hurt you.
I think we have to always remember that when we enter these relationships, we step in with open minds, hearts and arms. We are willing, able and open to love, to being loved and to sharing love. In the eyes of ‘the other’ we are simply an object, like a fridge, that they open and take what they want. The courage comes in trusting ourselves to listen to the inner voice that is telling us — you do not belong here, your love is not received in the manner in which you give it. You do not need to stay. you are not powerful enough to make ‘the other’ see or know or be any different than how they are. It isn’t about how they are, it’s about how you are feeling and right now, this is not feeling ‘good’.
And we trust ourselves to walk away without hating, anger, fear calling us back.
In my journey away from abuse, I found myself learning to trust in my inner voice — and then, it didn’t matter what ‘the other’ did. I knew I was okay to walk away because I was willing to acknowledge that no matter what they were doing, I deserved better.
Hugs my dear friend. <3
Louise, I feel all choked up and it is only a matter of seconds before I have a good cry about your response. I can’t get over the fridge idea…yes, they open the fridge and even stand there looking for something but most times what is in there is not to their liking which only pisses them off more!
I know I have much more work to do. And my inner voice is becoming so strong that I can’t shove it back down into the darkness and pretend that it isn’t there! We made a beautiful Thanksgiving for The Momma yesterday because I refused to put myself in the energy of someone who would be there today. And today I will have joy bubbling up from my soul, and I will have peace…
I have a better understanding of the cycle of abuse and of my role in it that has allowed me to stay in the role of the victim. I am allowing LOVE and respect to take the place of all the negativity, all the learned responses I had associated with dealing with these bullies. I’m not saying it is easy, but there is definitely a shift and one that is not only noticed by me…but by the ones who never thought I would be strong enough to break their hold on me. They are shocked (I have been a bit also 😉 ) and we are all learning the new boundaries!
Much, much love to you and respect for sharing your beautiful soul and loving energy. I am so grateful for you <3
I feel so much reading this as it reminds me of my past struggles and the baffling choices I made. I finally realized I deserved to be loved and cherished, and comfortable with those who I spend most of my time with, even if that meant I was not going to be in a romantic relationship for a while, or ever. You, dear one, deserve to be loved and cherished, to be comfortable, to be yourself, and to feel safe. I pray for your safety and wish for you someone worthy of your radiance. Hugs. <3
Thank you for your caring heart and your beautiful response full of love, JoAnna! I really feel a shift in my thoughts and feelings, and all the years I spent feeling not so worthy of love are literally slowly being erased as I realize that I am the one who kept their abuse alive. It is hard to understand that the most beautiful love of the Divine that I KNOW exists inside me was drowned out by circumstances and people who knew it was better for them if I didn’t feel it. It is most liberating to say NO to the abuse and move on!!
I know I share so much about the pain and not so wonderful characters in my life, but I also have some incredible human beings who are so full of love and respect and I don’t know what I would do without them!! This year, and I suspect the rest of my journey, will be about navigating away from those who are so embroiled in their own pain that they hurt others, and to those who follow the love in their heart!!
I wish for you a beautiful Thanksgiving, but I suspect that you know “Thanksgiving” is EVERY DAY!! Thank you, beautiful soul! <3 <3
Happy Thanksgiving and happy navigating to more love!
Lorrie you have come far in your realisation that it is we who have to break they cycle.. When we respect ourselves enough to say enough is enough and step away from the cause of our wounding.. I know you are strong and your wings are about dry now.. pumped full of strength and added colour.. Now all you need is faith to let go .. 🙂 And you are held within the breeze of love… xxx <3
This beautiful gift is received in light and in love! It is love remembered, Sue. It is about respect. I stand in the light of truth, and I can feel my wings, Sue!! 🙂 I can feel them! <3 <3
Good Lorrie, so you should… Keep soring High… <3 xxx
The most important lessons for us to learn often take the longest.
Keep listening to your inner warrior as well as your heart ❤️
Thank you dear Val! Yes! I will 😉 Thank you for taking this journey with me ♡ Many blessings! ♡
I do not know about ‘craving,’ rather I believe it’s just the endless cycles of repeating some of the same karmic themes we come into this life with. I think I’ve mentioned this before. Just when we think we’ve dealt with something, here it comes again in another form, another disguise. To simply witness our ‘hook’ at such times and smile and forgive ourselves for ‘doing it again’ seems the kindest thing. Eventually our mindfulness takes us to the place where we see we are about to hang ourselves on the same hook and simply choose not to. Then it holds less power over us, and we are amazed we can reclaim that energy for ourselves. To make ‘better’ choices – more self supportive, anyhow. Take good care, Lorrie. <3
Hi Lorrie, I have faced similar situations with family, wanting and hoping that I can smooth things over and have some kind of relationship with these people who are my closest family. Impossible they see my love and kindness as a weakness and use it to their full advantage. I decided many years ago I had enough of being their battering ram and walked away from them. I did not need my love to be pushed into my face. I had friends who treated me like a real family. Once walking away the strength to be more resilient grew. I no longer tolerate anyone’s badness. The choice we have to make has to be for our best interest always, by this I am not inferring to become selfish but to look after our own well being emotionally, physically and spiritually.
First I have to apologize for the delay in responding to you! I could not access my comments from my phone and I am traveling…so I could read the beginning of your comment but could see the whole thing…or respond!
Thank you so much for adding your experience here…you have helped me greatly and I am sure you have helped others also! I just love that you took your power back…because that is what it feels like to me. And I am new to this…but it does feel like my sense of self…and self preservation…is growing. I know that some people would never understand how a person could let this kind of behavior go on so long…I barely understand it myself!! But the letting go is a process…and the growth as an individual is so exciting! Thank you so much for your support…and I love your words, “I no longer tolerate anyone’s badness.” That is my new mantra!! ♡♡
Dear Lorrie, I really do fancy the artwork you choose to accompany your pieces. I think you are right, we learn from the past (and perhaps rather than thinking of them as mistakes they are in fact lessons learned) and then there will always be a next time. And until then, continue to take care of yourself as amongst the chaos you are able to juggle being in the moment quite gracefully. Love, Harlon
Thank you, Harlon! I can’t take full credit for the art…I used a photograph I took and then just used different filters in an art program. But I love the way they turned out and I have been thinking of putting them together in one post and asking my readers which one they think I should “try” to paint! And then, depending on how it came out, or maybe not matter how it came out, I would post the result. The only reason I have not done it yet is because I am so backed up with all the things I am working on…and life in general that it would be hard to fit it in. So maybe I will surprise you soon 😉
And thank you so much for your heartfelt support…it means the world to me. Yes…it am walking through it all…keep moving…one step in front of the other. Muchnlove, friend ♡