I’m in the “Happiest Place on Earth” and that fake smile is painted on my face. Yes…look at me… I am HAPPY.
Nobody wants to see a scowl at Disney World.
Just writing this, holding the pencil in my hand and pressing on the page causes such pain. But I won’t stop. I refuse to allow this +&#$*@% disease to take anything else away from me.
I tried to play tennis today…well not “play” but just hit…practice.
It was frightening.
I could not control my body.
I’ve played tennis for 30 years, so hitting a tennis ball is like walking or riding a bike…you just don’t forget how to do it…it is automatic.
Unless you have Lyme Disease.
Unless you are taking massive doses of antibiotics.
Unless you have a build up of dead bacteria clogging your system.
And if all of the above is true
You watch yourself as if looking at a stranger
And you see the struggle as she tries to put the motor sequences together
You swear you can see the wheels turning in her mind
Trying to recite each direction in the proper order
And then
You watch as the rag doll of a body does whatever it wants to do
Arms and legs flailing
A complete discord between thought and action
A loss of all control
And when the mind realizes that its power has been usurped by a rogue body dancing to its own tune
It thinks about the 30 years of its reign
And it sighs
And it paints the smile in india ink
Because for some reason…those muscles respond!
Blessitude
Lorrie <3
2/20/17
This happened a few weeks ago, and it is really hard to explain what it feels like when your body becomes completely non-responsive to the brain that has controlled it for as long as you can remember.
The only thing I can say is there is TOTAL FEAR!
I know the only antidote to fear is LOVE, so I try with my whole soul to stay in the love energy. You would think it would be easy to stay there…because it definitely FEELS better. But old habits die hard…really hard.
LOVE!
LOVE!!
LOVE!!!
THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED. ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
- And I Thought I Was Done With That!
- I Already Fought This War
- Like a Ton of Bricks
- I Was Positive It Would Never Return
- You Can’t Control Everything
- Failure
- The List
- The Treatment
- I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
- She Asked Me What It Feels Like
- Game On!
- A Pep Talk From An Angel
Hi Lorrie,
I’m so sorry to hear of this. As you know my wife has had a long time bout with Lyme so I have a window into this difficulty. I think a chronic illness of any form has the tendency to sap both our inner and outer strength. I am sending love and a wish for you to find the sort of peace that brings true healing. Thinking of you…
Peace!
Michael
Hi Michael! Thank you so much for your caring response here. I know your wife has this horrid disease and I did think of you both when I realized the monsters within were active again! Writing this series, and posting it…receiving the loving responses and prayers from beautiful souls, has been a truly cathartic experience. I have come to a different kind of acceptance. It is not the lay down and surrender kind, but rather the “okay…this is what I have…and I will deal with it…without FIGHTING it.” The ‘fighting it’…meaning more like ‘struggling against it.’ I don’t know if that makes sense, mainly because there is a whole lot of not making sense going on. But I know that my heart couldn’t be any more tweaked by love, and it is because of that that I know I am on the right track. Please give your wife lots of light and healing from me and tell her ‘I understand!’
I have been reading ACIM and writing in response to it…as soon as this series has come to end I will post some of that…it feels powerful to me.
I hope that you are creating from your soul (I know that you are!) and that you are not ‘snowed in’ and that your heart is full of LOVE!! <3
Hang in there, Strong Woman
you are going to be just fine
All the healing there is
and
much love
john
Oh!!! Such sweet music to my ears and warmness to my heart, John! Thank you, my friend. I will meditate on your kind words <3 Much love back to you…I appreciate you!
Sending love my friend. I had a bout with lymes so I completely understand. I love you! Press forward. Prayers for strength and courage and love.
Amanda-Leigh Player Hall
“..by small and simple things are great things brought to pass..” Alma 37:6
>
Thank you, beautiful soul, for your loving kindness and support! Oh, how I wish we lived close to each other again! Your name came up the other day…and everyone loves you so much!
I did not know you had Lyme…and I hope it was caught early and that you don’t ever have to experience it again, my friend!
Wishing you and your family all great things! <3 <3
Too bad it’s Disneyworld and not Disneyland. You could have driven up the coast and had lunch with us. 🙂
THAT would have been awesome!!! 🙂
I hope that you are safe from all the weather events out there! Thank you for being here…and I hope you are well <3
We’re okay, thank you. A couple miles from our place a landslide and road closure. Take good care and I’ll keep sending you my most powerful healing loving vibes. (I live with dogs so you know I’m in good company top send good energy!) <3
Yes!! I do know!! 🙂 My little guy is like a healing Angel…he gives me lots of love and just a week bit of backtalk! 😉
Thank you so much…and I’m so happy you are safe! ♡
Wow Lorrie. I can’t imagine the difficulty of not being able to control my body. I’m sorry and yet, I feel this is preparing you for more love and good things. Sending lots of love and gentle hugs. <3
Beautiful insight, Brad!! What is the saying…’The cut is where the light enters.’ Thank you for your incredible support. It is a very disturbing event…to be directing your motor system…and it does not listen!! I have not had a full-blown event like that since…just minor mishaps…but they are noticeable. Thank you for your love. I hope that the weather stays nice for you and that you have a super wonderful weekend <3 <3
Thanks Lorrie. I love the perspective of light entering our wounds. And like Japanese art, we become more beautiful and loving. Keep opening your tender heart.
Big smiles…lots of love ♡
🙂
I understand pain, and have had battles with it since encountering H1 virus 10 years ago, so covering you with ongoing prayers, Lorrie… FYI: another valuable health (naturopathic) treatment that was mentioned to me recently is ‘chelation’… Worth exploring. Ultimately, I am believing God for you to be 100% healed, because nothing is impossible for Him. xo <3
Thank you so much for sharing here! I know so many of us have physical pain and it can be so hard to walk through it alone. I send you lots of love and beautiful healing and I appreciate you passing along a therapy. I have looked into chelation in the past. I am with you…ultimately God and my faith will be the best therapy!! 🙂 Lots of love and light ♡
The Great Physician does all things well! I believe He is making all things new for you, Lorrie! Shalom and prayers…
‘ALL THINGS NEW!’ I like the sound of that!! 😉 Have a super wonderful Tuesday! ♡
I can relate to not being in control of your body. When I had my stroke Nov. 2008. Not only did I lose part of my vision but I’d tell my body to do things and it would not obey. Very frustrating. In 2014 I came into a little bit of money so I used part of it to hire a Personal Trainer to whip my body into shape. Mostly I was trying to redevelop my body awareness. I know I frustrated the P.T. because he would give me a set of instructions for a particular exercise and it was difficult for me to follow through. He gave me over to the Lady Personal Trainers who only did stretching exercise. Eventually I snapped my right knee so that ended that experiment. Had to go to a physical therapist who advised me to stay away from the gym and all those machines!!
Now I just do walking. Eventually my body did adjust. Not the same as before but at least I got 90% of my life back. I’m sure that you will receive your healing. It’s a journey.
I’m so sorry to hear that DeBorah! I can only imagine the struggles you had to go through as I worked with stroke patients in the past. There is so much we take for granted on a daily basis…that is until something happens and we then KNOW not to take ANYTHING for granted!! Gym machines just don’t work for me as I am very short…I have only found one set of machines that I could adjust to fit me…and if I use the ones that are too large…yes…for sure an injury!
Thanks for sharing your own story here…and ND I pray that the days of your body not listening are over! ♡♡
I am sorry you are going through this. I like how you bring up the idea of “fear”. I think this is often over looked in disease states.
I agree, Kim. But I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many who are facing a health struggle who don’t feel fear! Thanks for your support!
It’s hard to even read about all that you are going through with the relapse, dear Lorrie. You are an inspiration to everyone, bravely fighting the disease. I believe one can never receive too much love, so I am sending you more. With a big hug <3
Ah! Thank you, Helen 🙂 I couldn’t agree more…no such thing as too much love!! Thank you for your kind words and especially the love and hugs ♡
I was allergic to the last antibiotic my doctor put me on. I had gone to a huge store and began to wonder why people were looking at me in a really strange sort of way.
I went over to the clothing department and looked at myself in the mirror and – caught between horror and humor – smiled in a way that made me look even worse because I looked like an extreme leper (bright red blotches EVERYWHERE) and of course I had to be wearing a real summery-skimpy looking thing that gave the best view of my skin EVER! 🙂
I looked like someone had slapped me silly. 🙂
I scuttle-butted out the door, nose-in-air, like a Queen on important business…glad that I was too tired and old to be excessively embarrassed. 🙂
I sure do get the scared thing, tho, Lorrie. It peppers my days liberally as well…
Oh my gosh!! How scary was that!! You are lucky the reaction did not close your throat! How funny that people just looked at you funny…no one asked you if you were ok. You must have felt really strange by those puzzled looks!!
I have had allergic reactions to antibiotics as well…not fun. And it always makes you nervous to start a new medication!
‘It’s peppers my days liberally’….wow…what a poetic way to state this!!!
Sending good vibes and lots of love to cover that pepper!!! ♡ Thank you!!
<3
Thank you, Bela!
Love , love , love to you dear Lorrie , especially now …
hugs to your lovely and courageous soul and body
🙏🏽❤🙏🏽
Hi Meg!! Thank you for your loving soul 🙂 I can always feel the beautiful energy you send! I hope that you are well and wish you wonderful things! ♡♡
🙏🏽❤🙏🏽
Thank you, Meg ♡♡
I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around what you are gong through….my heart goes out to you and as I said earlier…you are in my prayers!!
Thank you Kirt!! I believe in prayer SO MUCH…so I am so grateful to be in yours. Don’t worry, I am walking through this with as much of a smile as I can…and I Am Healing! I appreciate your support ♡
Love your attitude!! 🙂
🙂
You are in my prayers, dear Lorrie. Here’s a song I sang at church on Sunday. I’m singing it for you, now. Enjoy the video. Whatever your faith, rest in the loving arms of your Creator. https://youtu.be/pruF5T6y41Q
Wow…JoAnna…beautiful tears of love flowing down my face! In the arms of love…yes!! And the video was so beautiful! I don’t know if I knew that you are a singer!!!! Yes…a beautiful woman/soul…with, I pressume, a beautiful voice of an Angel!!!
Thank you for your loving kindness ♡♡♡
You are most welcome, dear one. <3 I've loved to sing since I was about 11 years old, but I only started singing in front of people in my 40s. 🙂
Have you thought about putting a recording on your blog??? Just saying….
🙂 🙂 🙂
I’ve made some recordings with my phone, but last time i tried, they would not post on WP for some reason. I can post them on Facebook though. It’s been a while. Maybe I’ll try again sometime or get a YouTube account. Thanks for the suggestion.
You bet! I’ve a feeling you have a voice of an Angel ! ♡♡
Actually a couple people have said that. (sheepish look) Though I do have trouble hitting the high notes as I get older.
I KNEW IT!!!! 🙂 🙂 And I love the ‘sheepish look!’ And that sheepish look is because you have been told it…and you own it!! Can’t wait to hear it. Blessings, JoAnna! Have a super wonderful weekend <3
<3 You, too. 🙂
I’ve just finished getting caught up on your journey. I must say you are an amazing lady! You are in my prayers! I love that even in this struggle and pain your outlook is still positive! Blessings! Use this time to grow closer to the Lord and He will draw closer to you!
Thank you so much, Andy. I have felt like such a burden has been released and the support I have felt has truly been so loving and so kind! It has helped me tremendously…not to mention my deepening relationship and understanding of our Lord. I am grateful that you spent your time reading this and that your heart spoke to mine here. Many blessings to you, and yours!
Sad to know you’re in such pain, Lorrie <3
Hope you'll soon be feeling much better! 🙂 💜 Jackie@KWH
Hi Jackie…thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 I am so grateful for souls like you who take the time to make me feel better! I hope that all is super with you <3
Dear Lorrie, it is a sad and frightening thought to think of bacteria clogging your system, and the last thing you probably need to hear as I expect you know it well already is that this too shall pass. Struggling is difficult, but by opening your heart you are inspiring, you are healing, both yourself and others. Much love, Harlon
Oh, Harlon!! That is NOT the last thing I need to hear…it’s probably THE FIRST!!! 🙂 🙂 All things have their time…yes? I know that I am healing…I can feel it. And I also know that it is because of the incredible support that I have felt here…people are so amazing! I really do believe that most people want to help others…I was just always afraid to ask. I was brought up to believe that you had to take care of yourself…you had to be strong!! But I will tell you that the real strength is realizing that we are all connected and that by asking for help you actually help other people…because they want to help! and because you help them to be able to ask for help! (am I making any sense? cuz some days that’s iffy 😉
You are such a good friend to me…I appreciate our connection so much!! I hope that things are going well for you…and Spring is on its way!!! Much love <3