What is it?
This dark, ugly place that lives in the outer reaches of the center
The place that is familiar and yet loathed
The place where I can turn my back on everything that is good
Everything I’ve built
Every gift I’ve been given
Never to be seen by the light of day
Or the darkness of night
The dark shadow that consumes my being
And snuffs the light with one swift move
And leaves me dangling from the rim
Slipping, clenching, grinding, fighting
To stay alive
Dear God!
What is this darkness that claws at my throat
And whispers mean somethings
I don’t want to believe
And yet it is real
Because I feel it in my soul
And my soul doesn’t lie
And I’ve tried so hard
I’ve worked so hard
I KNOW the truth is love
And yet
Something that lives inside me
Is drastically opposed to it
I am torn
I feel the rip down the center of my being
My heart bleeds backwards
And my mind thinks forward
And I know that the answer lies in this moment
And I’m good with that
except
When the answer
Lies…
In this moment.
Blessitude!
Lorrie <3
9/2/2018
I’ve been fighting a long time. I’ve been fighting my entire life. I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore.
I think my biggest fear in life is to FEEL the emotional pain that has built up in layers, one on top of the other, until it became like cold, hard earth, cemented inside my being.
I have allowed this fear to have a life of its own, so much so, that I don’t even know what it is I should avoid feeling and I am just afraid of fear itself!
I have allowed the fear to live in my cells and it has to manifest somewhere. What I could not feel emotionally has impacted me physically, and to be honest, I am SICK AND TIRED of that!
I have decided to explore this fear. I have decided to face the things that I think I can not, and I have given myself permission to write from my soul and share it here.
Please know that while the title of this post is, “Drastically Opposed to Love,” my life philosophy couldn’t be any further from that!
I intend to face the place inside that was so hurt it believes it is not worthy of love, and I will hold it in my arms and protect it, empower it, and LOVE it!
*********************
For further reading:
BE NOT THE DARKNESS of the wounded soul…we are responsible for the energy we release to the world…READ HERE.
And as always, if you have an issue in which you could use a little help, access the ASK page HERE.
Blessitude <3
Powerful! Good luck on your exploration. Looking directly at concepts that we allow to haunt us will often cause them to dry up and disappear like the fog gives in to a dry sunny day.
Thanks, John <3
I know in my heart this is true. What I fight not to know has kept me in a self-made prison. I'm really not a chicken, but boy, sometimes I look at how fear has controlled me and I start clucking around! 😉
Hope you are well. Thanks so much for your always truthful wisdom!
Fighting is good; yes? Necessary for living…vw
It has for sure served its purpose! I’m ready now.
Blessings!
<3
Overcoming the ego and all that it brings into our lives is the most powerful task facing us all. Take heart, Lorrie 💕 Love truly is the answer. Don’t believe the ego mind and it’s judgments and turbulent cruel thoughts.When you can love this part of you, it will lose its power and fade away.
Sending a hug your way 💛
Thank you, dear Val! I think deep down I know this, but hearing your words made me know it is truth! I have ‘remembered’ so much and have dealt with it…but apparently there is more. I know that all happens in Divine time…and that is most probably engineered by what I am able to handle.
Sweet blessings to you, Val. I hope that life is sailing smoothly across crystal clear water <3
This journey we are on dear Lorrie is like an onion, each layer we remove often brings up more tears..
The process is a hard one to complete, because just when we think we have peeled the final layer, another trigger crops up to reveal more layers deeper below..
It is not just this life time of layers but all our lives before..
If you think of this as being our wake up life.. The opportunity to shed all our karma, all that went before..
When we look at our Eternal Being and see no longer do we need to be held captive by these emotional layers that have travelled with us throughout time..
So I learnt to accept them. Forgive others and forgive myself.. And learn to see that I am an Eternal Being of light and love.. No harm may befall my true self.. And only I allow my own suffering, by taking on board the pain I allow others to inflict upon me..
When we get our heads around it and see We are Co-creators of our World, We then see we can begin to create a whole new world for ourselves. By healing that Inner Self..
This journey takes courage Lorrie and you are showing how courageous you are by writing about your journey..
Know this fight with ego has to have its show down.. We my friend are paving the way… KNOW YOU CAN reach that inner child which was so wounded.. And know dearest Lorrie you can heal her heart..
Love and Blessings my friend.. <3
When I read your words it all makes perfect sense, Sue! Part of the key for me is to remember that nothing stays the same…so when I go to that really dark place and it just feels so uncomfortable I try everything I can do to not feel it…and all that does is prolong the agony.
I really do understand how this peeling onion works 😉 I have dealt with so many things that are just atrocious in nature, so I sit and think what else is there that can be so bad…that can be worse than what I already know. But you brought up a very good point…that it is lifetimes of karma. And to be honest I just this moment thought…what if it isn’t anything that was done to me, but rather maybe it is something I DID!?
I do know this…there is a year…a whole year of my childhood that I have no memories at all. There is something there…and I know that is truth because I can feel it. I will be gentle and enter this with love…but I have to be honest…the fear is almost crippling!
Much love to you, my friend 💜 I don’t think it is a coincidence that you are writing about going deeper…I know it is Divine love and timing 💜
Be gentle with yourself when peeling those layers dear lorrie.. And remember we do not need to know everything about our past.. Just dig deep into that lonely child within and love her with all of your heart and tell her she is now safe and protected from all harm.. For she is an eternal Being of LIGHT..
Love and Hugs my friend.. <3 xxx
Thank you so much for your support and love, Sue😁 I understand…and I did have a break through of sorts. It explains a lot of things and honestly, I was not rocked by the revelation…it was a relief to know it.
I will keep walking forward and do so with awareness and an open heart. I am so grateful for your insight and support😁😁
💜💜
🙂 so pleased to read this.. Sending LOVE xx
I have found fighting or resisting anything within, just exhausts me and separates me from love and acceptance. But rising up in my power and strength within, I have found that fear naturally fell away! It really is a journey of learning over many years! isn’t it Lorrie? 💕💚
Yes! It is, Karen!! The good thing is even though it feels like I am in the middle of it…I can look back and see just how far I have come…and I am so grateful! Blessitude!
I hope you are well, and thank you for your message of love and support 💜
Kudos for being willing to face the tough stuff Lorrie. I like the wisdom offered by others and know you will find your way forward. Maybe just relax and be awhile. I would say don’t go looking for the pain, but when it comes up, try to relax and welcome the feelings. I’m still practicing this myself; learning to be more gentle and accepting of it all.
Hugs and blessings!
I really like hearing that, Brad 😁 And I agree…I am not going to go digging it up with a shovel…but I am trying to learn how to dispel the fear I fear when I thi k about it. It is a journey and I am 100% committed (most of the time 😉)
Hope you did something fun today…and hope that you are settling in.
Have a great holiday tomorrow 💜
Thanks Lorrie. We’re all doing what we can. This was a pure work weekend for me. But I’ll relax and play this week. 🙂
There you go…and I hope we get to see some great photos from your playing😉
Just looking at the fear, staring it down, will diminish it. Wonderful brave post! Prayers…
Thank you, Tom! I am standing strong against this fear. It is amazing how strong it is when it shows up. I am grateful it is not constant…and I do believe I get a little stronger every time!
Appreciate your message. Have a great week!
Powerfully honest post, Lorrie. I had a similar experience recently and your post makes me wonder about the synchronicity…
There are no coincidences…right? 😉 Thanks, Carol. I hope You don’t have to go back there…at least for a while!
Thank you, Lorrie. I was warned that my life would change after going through level 2 Reiki attunement, and so it is. Fortunately (perhaps) life has taught me how to deal with adversity. 🙂
That is a good thing! I think it’s a big key…being able to stay in peace throughout the ups and downs. Blessings 💜
“Please know that while the title of this post is, “Drastically Opposed to Love,” my life philosophy couldn’t be any further from that!”
I wasn’t fooled. You have a loving heart. I call that loving part “The Hidden Man of The Heart”
“I have decided to explore this fear. I have decided to face the things that I think I can not, and I have given myself permission to write from my soul and share it here.”
Please be careful sweet lady.
I tried to do that back in 2010 and I accidentally left a “window” open, and something really bad happened…something dark was lurking, and it attacked me several times a day for a number of months. Such horrible panic attacks that I had to stop driving my car for awhile…couldn’t even leave my bedroom at times. I would crouch on the floor near a box fan trying to breath correctly and had my husband and daughter taking my pulse all of the time.
I hope I am not being too pushy. I did finally come out of it, but it came from praying a lot and learning not to look there anymore.
Hi Theresa! I so appreciate your warning…and understand how this kind of exploration can run amok and go off track. I promise that I am entering the space with love and protection and I just kind of know deep inside that it is time.
A friend of mine said what else could there possibly be that could be worse than what you already know? I kind of thought the same thing myself at first, but I truly feel supported and like it is the next frontier in my healing. I had a whirlwind of memories and feelings over the long weekend. Some of the memories did not portray ME in the brightest light. In fact, some of them made me admit that I was not very nice at different times in my life, and that there are people who deserve an apology.
The good thing is that I didn’t allow all that to further sink me into the well of self-abuse…or to push me further away from love.
This is a hard journey…but I am grateful FOR IT ALL!!
And I am grateful for your support and love…and warning.
I hope you are swimming in light and that the energy that surrounds you is born of love 💜
You have been such a blessing to me. I just knew you had been through so much, and at times you can be weak due to that tick fever disease. I hope I am making sense.
This is such a noble thing you are doing.
God bless you, Lorrie. <3
Ah…and Sweet blessings back to you, my friend!! I have been through alot…there’s no doubt. I am working my way through It, Theresa…and it is people like you who’s energy I can feel, who have my beat interests at heart, that help me more than you will ever know💜 I do get what you mean. And the chronic illness is always in the background (sometimes the foreground!…like now…i’ve been dealing with a tooth infection…three step root/canal…and yet the infection persists. Hard not to have my emotional impacted by the physical…AND VICE VERSA…whichnis what I realized…when they talk about mind/body/soul!!!
I am rambling…
I just want you to know that your words and love touch me and I am grateful…I AM BLESSITUDE!
Thank you…Namaste _/\_
💜💜
Ah, Lorrie! You are a courageous soul who I believe has the strength and support and is very loved 💞💓💕🐘 May angels of love be always at the ready at your side.
Hello beautiful Ka! I receive your blessing in the light of love…and I believe it with my whole heart! I know I have always been loved and supported by Angels…I believe we all are!! Sometimes when it is so dark we may not always see or feel them…but they are there.
This journey is not without pain…but the joy and grace of all that I receive is such a blessing to me.
I send pure love energy…and I pray that you were onay throughout that storm…I know a thing or two about Hurricanes…and you were always held sacred in my heart 💜
Sweet blessings, my friend!
Thank you for receiving and sending 🌟
Fortunately here we don’t get hurricanes (so I’ve been fortunate to not have been directly in any) but as a shamanic practitioner always keeping up on weather…asking for hurricane Florence to take a break out at sea…thinking always of friends and family 💓
Yes…Florence…I, too, am asking her not to touch land!
Sweet blessings, Ka! Hope you have a fantastic week coming up 💜
❤️❤️
Right back to you _/\_
Facing it head on is hard and painful, but healing…my best to you!!
Thanks, Kirt💜 It is a roller coaster ride at.times…feeling the peace…then feeling the pain. It’s all good. Blessings
Your honesty helps me realize that there are always pockets of fear or darkness in all of us. What you describe feels big. Your courage shows you are ready. You are strong. But know this: You are never alone. Reach out and connect with God/Powers of goodness and light. Fill yourself with the light as you go forward to face the darkness and fear. When you feel overwhelmed, rest, regroup, take extra good care of yourself. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help from positive people you trust. You are not alone my friend. I’m sending light and love to you dear Lorrie. Angel armies come to mind. They are with you.
I love Angel Armies, JoAnna💜 Thank you. I really appreciate the soft wisdom you impart and I know that it comes from your heart (and experience!) And thanks for the reminder that I am not alone…I know this to be true. I have always felt Angels and God, and know that I have been blessed in so many ways.
I keep walking forward on my journey, and even when there are times where I take a few steps back, I still have hope and faith!
I am with you as you sort through a lifetime of memories. Take good care of yourself in the process…I know how hard it can be.
💜
Thank you for your support. I will take care in the process. That Angel Armies just came to me. https://youtu.be/F47U1aWRjfM
Sweet dreams. <3
Ah! Thank you so much…the song is beautiful…and so is your soul!! 💜💜
I will keep you in my heart and prayers _/\_
You, too are in my prayers and <3
Dearest Lorri, in reading your words they are a mirror to me, of me. All of my Life I fought and I struggled and just lately I stopped fighting. I have looked at my fear head-on, and when I have done it I realize that I have only been feeding this fear all these years by fighting it. I am allowing peace to override fear that no longer is so sharp within my being. Many memories bubble up, memories I would rather not remember, yet when they do Bubble Up I embrace them gently. And in their place I pour more peace and more love. If I can do this so can you. When we stop fighting our own power returns to us in a very quiet and very gentle way. And everything around us changes in ways that leave us astounded. You can do this and when you continue to do this, you will realize just how tired you are. You will require much sleep and much rest so please be kind to you and give them to yourself. Big big hugs! 💕🌹💕🌹💕🌹💕
Thanks beautiful Amy! We really live very similar lives so it’s so good to read your words and know that you are successful pouring love and peace over the fear.
You know, Amy. I would have laughed at someone if they told me how much fear I have. I always had the hard exterior…and would push myself to do anything that others said I could not. I stood up to bullies and I was ‘tough.’ So imagine my surprise when realized all this fear was eating me alive!
Thank you for your heartfelt words…It is nice to have your beautiful energy touch me.
Sweet Blessings 💜
I do believe for the both of us, that we witnessed so much Darkness which in itself created massive fear. Because of this occurrence in both of our lives, we became exceedingly determined to live our lives in light and in love. And as the Fierce determination took the place of living from a place of fear, we inadvertently pushed that fear way down unwilling to acknowledge it’s very existence. Over time things tend to catch up with all of us and that is exactly what occurred in that our fear could no longer be pushed down unseen. It needed to be acknowledged and released for True healing to take place. I too was shocked at what I saw and the tears I have shed in the seeing are too many to count. In the discovery of all that lies within me and more, I am now able to freely admit that I am capable of the darkest acts that anyone can think of. However, it is my choice to live from a place of love and of peace. It is a journey only the very brave embark upon. When we both arrive on the other side we will know this journey was ever so worth every pain and tear. Take good care of yourself, dear friend. You are blessed and you are very special! 💕🌹💕
Thanks for your authentic truth that you so freely share with me, Amy. Your perspective is quite interesting…and I did not think of it that way…hmmm.
It is so nice to share the experiences with you because sometimes, I feel a little ‘crazy’…maybe not the best choice of words…but…alone…? Like these dramatic experiences seem so farfetched it is hard for even me to believe they happened.
It does feel like this releasing of fear is a biggie in the scheme of things towards healing.
I hope you have a super duper Friday that leads into a wonderful weekend!! 💜
Wow wow wow sending shivers down my spine I can feel every word…and I hear your fight and feel your foundation also solid and stable and able. Your manigesting power and I feel it..beautiful your awesome!
Hi Kerri 😁 I love your reaction…thanks for being so passionate!
“solid and stable and able!!”…love it!! Doesn’t always feel that way…but deep down I can always find my faith.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Hope you are well 💜
One day at a time is my motto..I stay well when my focus is on NOW and practice future thoughts, goals and working on stretching my capacity …for Now is what we have and anything I plan outside that takes me OUT of now..learning thats ok too…its not as complicated as my Libra skills make it lol…big hugs to wellness and feeling and honoring the damn days wellness leaks out into the eithers and circulates back as we learn and grow!
I’m with you!! I am a planner…and it is a huge lesson for me…but life…the universe… is throwing lots at me to learn that I can only be in this moment.
That is where our power is…and to have loving energy in the now moments…ah!
I hope you have a wonderful week!
💜
Thats what happen for me starting at a very early age..it’s frustrating to others when they want a long term plan out of me but maybe im the messenger for that particular state and your the messenger for the ability to planning…….beautiful how paths cross…I hope you have a beautiful week as well Lorrie
Best of luck dealing with your fears!
For me, fighting them – taking them head on — doesn’t work. Just seems to make them grow stronger. But beyond that, I really don’t know much. Certainly not enough to offer any advice.
Just being here and connecting works wonders 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and for commenting. I’m not sure I will ever fully comprehend how to deal with the fear…I am a work in progress!
Many sweet blessings to you (and sorry it took so long for me to write back…I had a bit of a hiccup in life!)
Wonderful, honest post Lorrie. Yes we have to face the little demons or they keep coming back stronger. I’ve been fighting them a lot recently. You’re right you know, love is the answer.
Ah…thanks Anita! There is something about connecting with someone who is going through similar things. I think that whenever there is a question…slipping love into the equation is always a good idea! Sometimes I forget…but whenever I remember…IT WORKS! Sweet Blessings for a wonderful Thanksgiving 🙂
‘My soul doesn’t lie’ that line just stuck with me through the whole poem. It’s so true yet so unbelievable.
I always get into trouble when I don’t believe this! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I hope that you can hear your soul!