Category: I Remember…An Odyssey

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Forgiveness

This is a series of poems that follow a very deep healing experience.  I put a disclaimer here to say that it deals with child sexual abuse and while I hope it affords healing, I beg you to proceed only if you are in a place of safety and can handle it.

Unfortunately, I cannot figure out how to get the series to scroll in order…here at WP…the last post shows first.  So I am going to list the poems in order right here…each poem’s name will be linked to the post.  Each new post will also have links in order.

Thanks for visiting and leaving your footprint here!

I REMEMBER…AN ODYSSEY

1).  Introduction & Haiku

2).  The Funny Thing About Truth

3).  The Journey to…

4).  He Said I Have Anger

5).  The Long Sleepless Night

6).  Broken Arrow

7).  Safe

8).  Alone

9).  On The Verge

10).  Shred

11).  The Thread

12).  Vindication

13).  Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile

14).  Emancipation

15).  Forgiveness

 

FORGIVENESS

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The colors dance upon my mind

A kaleidoscope of shapes

Changing colors melt

And turn into another

All smooth

All swift

Synergistic

Beautiful

Is this what forgiveness feels like?

Free wheeling

Running

Jumping

Weightless

Free

Smiles extend out

Better yet they come back

Gentle

Easy

Loving

Kind

Things that annoyed me before

Are simple

No worries

No rushing

We’ll get there

No hassle

It will all work out

Peace!

Yes, if I had to name this

I would name it peace

With joy!

Yes, add joy to peace

That is what this is

And freedom!

Don’t forget about freedom

Peace + Joy + Freedom

The sun shines brighter

The ocean smells better

And every flower I pass

Has more essence than it had before

Every person I see has more soul than ever before

Let the smile in my heart reach out

Through my lips

Let the laughter of my soul reach out

Through a song

And let the love of my being reach out

Through a hug

A hug for creation

A hug for the universe

If only I had known what forgiveness felt like

Sooner

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who walked on this healing journey with me.  The support you gave to me helped in ways that are real, that are palpable.

I am so happy that I scheduled this series in advance.  I knew that it would be hard for me to post on consecutive days for two weeks in a normal time span.  But the past week has been anything but normal.

I had to drive up north to see my Lyme doctor.  The plan was to drive two days, see my son on Sunday (SonDay :)), see my doctor on Monday and drive two days home.

Saturday night I was informed that my father most probably has lung cancer…they are awaiting the biopsy.  The doctor told him that due to his age (86) and current health, he would recommend that he not do any treatment. He told him to go home and live out his life.  My father said, “The hell with that…take the damn thing out!”  He plans to live to 103 and be shot by a jealous husband.

My heart told me that I should go to visit him Sunday.  My mind intervened and said, “Are you sure?”  I listened to my heart and with the comfort of my son by my side, I made a “surprise” visit…a very surprise visit.  I am so happy that I was able to listen to my heart.

I saw my doctor Monday morning and continued on the road from there.  I was in Virginia when the assisted living facility where The Momma lives called.  She was on her way to the hospital.

I was 15 hours away.  I can’t begin to tell you how frightened I was.  I called my best girlfriend, M, and told her.  She was in her car on the way to The Momma within 5 minutes!  She saved both our lives that day.

The emergency room doctor did an EKG and was going to send The Momma home…her heart was fine.  But, you see, my girlfriend had had a pulmonary embolism a year and a half ago.  She told the ER doctor that The Momma’s symptoms were identical to hers when she had one.  The doctor did not like being told what to look for.  But my girlfriend did not care!  She did not leave him alone until he consented to do a test.

He ordered a CT scan and then didn’t want to show his face when it turned out that The Momma did, indeed, have a pulmonary embolism!

We drove through the night to get to her.  I don’t think I could have slept anyway.  By the time I got to lie down and take a small nap I had been awake for 31 hours.

She is having treatment in the hospital and is in pretty good spirits.  As luck would have it, the hospital was so busy the only room they could give her was a private room.  She keeps exclaiming how nice the room is 🙂

I know how rare it is to have both parents aged 86 (The Momma will be 87 next month) still with me.  I also know that we all walk a different journey here on earth. I am so grateful for the healing that I so very recently received and worked through.  It wasn’t too late.  It was perfect, divine timing.

This post is titled “Forgiveness” because I finally understand what it means.  It does not mean that I condone the behavior or actions of someone who hurt me.  It means that I can be empathetic and I can look at what had happened in their life that made them the way they are.  It means I can say and more importantly believe that they did the best they could at that time with what they had to work with.

As I said above, we all walk our own journey.  We all make decisions.  From the bottom of my soul I thank you for deciding to walk a little while with me!

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

4/5/15

OH!!!  AND HAPPY EASTER!!!♡♡♡

I will be taking some time off from posting here so I can catch up reading what you all have been up to! 😉

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Emancipation

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

 

1007 

When all the pieces are there and the dust has settled

I am able to separate

FACT from FICTION

DARK from LIGHT

TRUTH from FANTASY

LOVE from FEAR

Yes, I am able to extract the layer of lies

That were told to me

And came from me

And I see the woman who thought it was better to hide

Who felt shame and guilt for something that was not her fault

No…not her fault at all

She was caught up in someone else’s sickness

In a mind that spent many years

KNOWING but not REMEMBERING

LOVING but not fully COMMITTING

ACCEPTING but not fully FORGIVING

I feel that I have connected

I have connected

MEANING to EVENTS

FEELINGS to THOUGHTS

HEART and SOUL to MIND

Like a lightning bolt

It all connected

From the pull

Of a tiny

THREAD

Understanding

And the fear that kept me in the dark for so long has dissipated

Into thin air

The child who couldn’t handle the memories

Doesn’t have to

Because the adult she’s become

Loves her

And will take all of the memories from here

And while I couldn’t be there to protect her THEN

I am here NOW

And I AM strong

And truth dispels fear when surrounded by love

Blessitude

Lorrie

4/4/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Another Inch…perhaps a mile

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

 

 077

I didn’t want to be seen

I didn’t want to be known

Stand against the wall

Become a flower

It is safer to hide

Safer to swallow the truth

Don’t leave any remnants

Hungry birds come to collect them

If I can’t see what happened to me

Then I certainly don’t want anyone else to see it

But they did see it

And they said nothing

They left me to fend for myself in a maze of vile putrefication

The only way to handle the gross violation was to pretend it wasn’t there

And the only way to pretend it wasn’t there was to pretend to sleep

And the only way to pretend to sleep was to try really really hard to sleep

If I could trick my mind into sleeping so soundly that a bomb couldn’t wake me

Then I could actually get up in the morning

And not shrink into the paneling

Or become a velvet flower of the wall paper

You tried to talk to me once

You were a new man

You needed to “come clean”

You needed to get it off your chest

You created such an explosion of fear

I couldn’t breath

No no no! My words stuck under the heavy carpet of truth

I couldn’t speak

I couldn’t hear it

I couldn’t face it

I couldn’t remember it

No!

No!

Not then

 

So I ran

I ran out of the trailer

And out of your life

But I ran out of my life too

And it wasn’t right

And it didn’t feel fair

And I was angry

And I was mean

And I was sick

And I did everything I could do to numb my mind

To stifle my soul

To protect my essence

But there was no protection

I was the one who decided

That I was worthless

And I was the one who decided

That I needed to be punished

I was born bad

Why else would this happen to me

I must have deserved it

I must have wanted it

He told me I asked for it

I must have made him do it

How terrible that I would ruin someone else’s life

By making them a part of my sickness

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

4/3/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Vindication

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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It was there all along

Funny how the mind thinks that it can protect you by not allowing the pieces of a puzzle to be seen as a whole

Once connected it almost seems incredulous that one could not see it before

It was all there

For many years

It was not hidden from thought as one might suppose

No

It was hidden from meaning

Events seen separately for years

Each creating their own brand of misery

Were a smokescreen

A haze….fog in my brain

To disconnect truth

To prevent

The thinking mind

The feeling heart

The bleeding soul

From feeling the betrayal

The worst kind of betrayal

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

4/2/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ The Thread

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

 

1276

In the darkness there is a thread

I can see it hanging

And I have the urge to pull it

I know from past experience that even a little tug

Will unravel all that is securely in place

All that is neatly hemmed

Uniform

Clean

If I let it rip

That tiny thread will undo a lifetime of holding it in place

It will leave a crease

A stain

A mark

On an otherwise smooth surface of buried memories

Still

I wonder how terrible would it really be to

Unleash the chains that were self-imposed

Left to wander

But not too far

Just in case

Just in case

In the darkness my fingers toyed with the thread

As my mind toyed with my heart

Thumb and index finger rolled the thread around

Felt the texture

Felt the spun silk

It was alluring

It was seductive

I was almost convinced

So I pulled

A gentle tug

A stitch undone

It was exhilarating

It was exciting to be walking in the

Realm of the forbidden

To be insubordinate to the secrets

That have been in control

Another stitch….

An inch or so

But the fear of a mile made me drop it

Dead in my tracks

As I turned my back

And nursed the wounds of my psyche

The scars of my memories

The horrors of exile

I wrapped myself in the cocoon of safety

In the pristine hem that has held it all together

For all these years

Left with an exposed inch

I feel that it is possible to explore it

It is truth revealed for my curious mind

That at times would question the validity

It was enough

For now

I am safe and armed with this inch of knowledge

I feel another chain in the link of bondage on my soul has been removed

And I feel lighter

Freer

Happier

Safer

And above all else

I feel more capable to hold the little girl

And to love her unconditionally

And to cry

With her

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

4/1/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Shred

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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Is it really so important for everything to fit into a nice label

Into a category

Is it really possible to make myself feel better treating my life

Like an extreme filing system

Everything in its proper folder

Every folder filed away alphabetically

So as to be able to access it immediately when needed

Am I not the first person to say if everything has a place

And you always put it in its proper place

 It will never get lost

You will always be able to find it

That’s all well and good

If you know WHERE to file it

What happens with the things and events

That don’t fit into your filing system?

The things that don’t have an intuitive label

The things that are left

Unfiled

With no proper place to be

And I begin to wonder

 If they have no proper place to be filed

And that means they would not easily be found

Could it be true that they are things

That are not necessary?

That there’s no good reason to have to access them again

No good reason to remember them at all?

I wonder

Then I remember the paper shredder

Things that aren’t necessary to keep any longer

Go zip and no longer exist as what it was before

Unnecessary

Destroyed

Maybe I can add an internal shredder

And destroy the things that can’t be filed

Destroy the things that shouldn’t be filed

Shouldn’t be remembered

Shouldn’t be accessed

And maybe

Just maybe

I should rethink the whole filing system

And just let it be

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

3/31/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ On The Verge

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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This writing is very powerful

I am sitting alone at the pool

Crying

I feel that I am on the verge of a life changing event

I have fear

But I have love

I am certain that everything happens for a reason

I am certain I am supposed to be here alone

I am certain that God loves me

And that I have been protected my whole life

I know that my truth lies dormant in my soul

I know that there is great pain there

And I know that every step I take is preparing me for this truth

And in this truth I know that I will be safe

And I know that I will be healed

And I know that what will be revealed will be something

That not only helps me but will help many

I am so grateful

I understand that we are all on a journey

And that we all help one another

Even when it looks like it is not help

I know the antidote to fear is love

And I feel love like I have never felt before

It is not the clingy I’m afraid you will leave me kind of love

But love that comes from creation

Love that binds us each to the other

In happy times

And in times of great tragedy

Love that wants to help

Love that wants to do things

Love that wants to understand

That every soul is doing the best that they can

At any particular time in their life

Bless me with this knowledge

So that I may live in this place

Walk in this love

Believe with my whole being that it matters

It matters

It ALL matters

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

3/30/15