It is hard to put into words, and I reason with myself…is it necessary to try to remember it so that I can document it? Isn’t it enough that it was my reality and I had to hold on to the idea of light just to make it through?
I suspended life…I disconnected from my soul. It was almost like I had to protect the most beautiful part of me from the ugliness and the sheer terror of the place I was thrust in to. Was I wrong to try to protect myself by leaving? Did I lose the life force because I voluntarily set it aside in the hope that I could step back into my skin and carry on business as usual?
It’s been days since the terror ended…and I am changed. The fear that exists inside is the same one I have always had. I am alone…at a time when I needed to be the full expression of the power of my soul, I sought to separate and go it alone. I reverted to a life that had been ingrained in my DNA for eons…out of what…? Habit?
And now I am left in the aftermath with broken pieces. I lift them up from the ground and it sifts through my fingertips like the sand on the beach that I love. I know they all belong to me, but I am having trouble putting them back where they belong. And then I am frozen with fear as I wonder whether all the pieces are, in fact, there! What if I lost something along the way…what if, in trying toprotect my splintered world, I lost a piece – a most valuable piece of me – and I can never be the same?
For now I gather the grains and I hold them tight and I pat myself down to keep the parts that are there – intact. I look out from eyes that are changed and the winds of time whisper the question, “Have you learned nothing at all?”
And a tear slides down my cheek and drops to the ground and the sound that reverberates is deafening.
Hello my friends! I have missed you all so much! I was riding so high and then I was knocked off my horse and it is taking time for me to dust myself off…and get back on.
I could feel the winds of change blowing but I had no idea the extent to which they would blow. I had a drama that brought up many old icky patterns and before I could sort that out I got the flu for the first time in over 20 years! And it hurt! The fever must have been terribly high as I was thrust into dreams/hallucinations that were both terrifying and frightening. I used to wonder why they said the flu could kill the very young and the very old. That was because my only other bout with it had been mild. Now I understand and, though I don’t fit in either of those categories, I feel very fortunate that it didn’t kill me.
I have been so disconnected and I have not had the desire to do…ANYTHING! I don’t feel like me and quite frankly, it is very scary. It is a huge step for me to even post this. But deep in my heart I know that it is the connection that I need. Bless you dear souls…I am sorry I have missed what is going on in your worlds. I will be over soon to catch up.
Nothing happens until something moves. ~ Albert Einstein
I have been involved in a struggle for the last two months. I felt like things were happening “to” me and I have been paralyzed, unable to make a decision as to how I will handle this situation.
I have not experienced this many times in life. I usually have strong opinions and a douse of intuition, the perfect recipe to make a decision and stick with it.
I have analyzed EVERYTHING from all directions. I have said, “what if” and “I don’t know” more times than I can count (or care to remember.)
I would make a decision and then something inside would rumble, like aftershocks from an earthquake, and it didn’t feel right! So I would not follow through and work hard to come up with a new solution.
I’ve been so confused…I didn’t know if my reticence was based in fear, or if my intuition was speaking so loud that it would be impossible for me to ignore it.
And I judged myself for being wishy washy….ewwww!
Dangerously close to a decision that could not be changed, I put the brakes on one more time yesterday. I breathed a sigh of relief and I felt so much lighter.
And then love entered. I felt the embrace of Angels and I knew that the chaos I felt inside was my beautiful self trying to stand up and be heard! She was trying to prevent the old “self-abusive me” from making a decision that would ultimately hurt me in real and lasting ways.
Now I don’t know if that part of me will ever truly be gone, but I believe that the loving, kind,compassionate part of me is gaining the upper hand, for I would not have heard her in the past. The struggle I have felt internally over the past two months has been so uncomfortable and it is not something that I wish to repeat…EVER!
So I pray to keep LOVE as the focal point, and I pray that I will know the difference between LOVE and FEAR if ever I feel this again.
And I pray that the new solution to my problem will be THE CORRECT ONE!
I think the most important thing is to TRUST this new me because I know it is powered by Divine Love!!
I am in the middle of a very disturbing event in my life. It has resurrected every insecurity I have ever felt. I am being terrorized by a BULLY…someone I am related to. He is a frightening personality and I am in a position where I have to stand up to him in order to protect someone I promised to take care of.
I tried to ignore him at first…but the fear of what he was up to was more than I could handle so I spoke to him. The visceral reaction from his threats and ranting and raving rocks the very foundation of my soul!
My Lyme’s disease is an opportunistic invader…I can feel the spirochetes jumping for joy that my defenses are down. They are having a party inside with swords and knives.
And in a moment I realized that staying away from my beautiful friends and their incredible support was exactly what the bully wanted…needed in fact!
I felt all the old patterns of abuse…the soul and the body remember. I realized that allowing him to beat me down with his verbal insults and the sheer terror of his antics pushed me further away from the power of love and left me in the bowels of fear.
And, mistakenly, I thought I couldn’t bring that energy here to my blog. No, I reacted the same way I always did growing up in my family. Pretend. Pretend everything is fine. And, if I can’t pretend (because that is very hard for me) then withdraw. Don’t let anyone see the pain.
Is it embarrassment? I don’t know. Is it I think I deserve to be abused? I don’t know. Maybe the child who cowered in fear learned that…but the woman who has worked so hard to climb out of the dungeons does not! No…I believe in the power of love and I know where there is love there can not be fear.
So here I am my friends. Yes…a bully is trying to steal my power. I pray for him (I always have.) And I pray for myself to stay in love surrounded by my friends who offer such incredible support…Thank you all!!! I am Blessitude!!
I stayed awake all night a few ago…No…I wasn’t reliving my teens pulling an all-nighter, partying, having fun. I stayed awake all night, crying, and praying, and writing.
I am at a place in my life that intellectually I knew would arrive, but emotionally I never wanted to think about.
The Momma was very sick and hospitalized. Then it seemed she lost her will to live. It was so unlike her – she fought her whole life. It was unbearable to me because if she could give up the fight for her life what would that mean for me? Would it be possible that I would ever give up?
You look me in the eye
And you tell me you will try
But it’s all a bold faced lie
And I hang my head and cry
Because you soon will die
And I have to question why
Should I simply say goodbye?
I wrote the above words that night. It was the beginning of a very personal writing that was interspersed with prayers to God and cries for help. Not only help with the current situations I find myself in, but help with the emotional upheaval that the past three weeks resurrected in my soul’s heart.
The sun rose and suddenly there was clarity. I understood that her failure to fight was because she was afraid. She wanted to continue to live but she didn’t know how to do it. And then God provided the answers which, if I had been paying attention, were right in front of my eyes the whole time.
“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
Haiku ~ 12/15/14
Oh how I rejoice
When your favor is revealed
Love for me is shown
Things I did not see
Standing right in front of me
Vision is restored
Full of Thankfulness
For blessed understanding
You show me the way
I wish for you all to stay strong in your faith, especially during hard times. I have found that the harder I lean into it, the faster my “vision” becomes clear…the faster my mind hears the words that are placed in my heart. The words that are sent, the people who are put in my path, the strength that I find right when I think I have no more to give…that is what I am talking about…that is what I am so blessed and full of gratitude for…Blessitude!!! Thank You!
I have done everything I can think of to recover from the assault.
The muscles are tight and tired, the tendons stretched beyond capacity.
The bones are out of alignment and they hurt.
And all of this after I was so completely balanced there was no need for a reboot!
What are the lessons to be learned?
Surely, there is a reason for this physical pain…
There is a piece – a tiny sliver of something that has yet to be seen.
It is there, I can feel it now.
I can isolate it and possibly give it a name.
Time to work on the origin…
Time to acknowledge the pain and to free it from my soul.
The journey has been long and winding.
I have been shown so much.
I am receptive.
I ask for clarification.
I am so ready to meet this.
I will be gentle.
I have no animosity – just curiosity.
I am not afraid.
I have built a strong secure foundation and I recognize how much I do control.
But I also know the universe and the collective energy has an “impact.”
If only for the reason that we are one and the same.
* I am creating an environment that is full of love.
That is secure.
I am open to the guides who will help me on this journey.
Just love and understanding.
White light and crystals.
This poem was written 10/3/12, just over two years ago. I was in the midst of incredible healing…healing from a physical disease, and healing from emotional scars that I had never properly dealt with. The two are so connected.
Two years later, I find myself in the midst of a set back. When my emotional world goes so out of whack that I leave my beautiful state of AWARENESS, I allow my body to feel the stress of the disconnect. When stress impacts my body, my disease which lies in a dormant state becomes an opportunistic invader and attacks every system in my body.
I have chronic Lyme’s Disease. It was determined that I probably had it since I was a child…11 years old. It was not diagnosed until I was 47 years old, when I was bitten by another tick who also carried the parasite Babesia – a malaria-like disease. Babesiosis almost killed me.
I was treated for four years. It was no picnic, but I grew in ways that were incredible. April 2, 2013, was the last time I took medication…I was HEALED!
Until, November 3, 2014. It is disturbing to admit that all the strange health occurrences I experienced of late is due to a reemergence of the Lyme bacteria in my body. It is more disturbing to admit that emotional stress is the trigger which woke up the dormant buggers to rage war inside me.
I was shocked and maybe a bit embarrassed by the news. Shocked because I believed I was completely healed of this horrific disease. Embarrassed because in hindsight, it all made perfect sense and I couldn’t believe I didn’t recognize it myself. Then we could discuss the ways I was tempted to abuse myself for allowing it all in the first place. I say “tempted” because it is a delicate balance, teetering on the edge of love and hope – and shame and blame.
Most days I stay in love and believe that there is much offered here for me to learn. And I will learn. And I will heal. And I pray that I can pass along something that helps others. Namaste ~ ❤ Lorrie