I Don’t Have a Place For This

PicsArt_06-18-11.18.20

As I unpack and establish order, each item placed just so, I hold this in my soul and I realize I Don’t Have a Place For This.

It’s something I buried years ago, under the landscape of my soul, beneath the light of day and terrified night, hidden so well I could not recognize it.

And it bubbled to the surface, bobbing to and fro. I banished it to the unclaimed luggage area because it didn’t look like mine.  But it wouldn’t go away.

And then the pain of my entire life time…the SOURCE of all things dark and separated that stacked atop one another building the wall of the well of my imprisoned soul, sat there and refused to go away until I picked it up and held it in my hands.

I turned it over…and over.

It didn’t feel right but there was a memory.  Vague at first, but building to a crescendo of shattered thoughts flying around the corners of my psyche that told me, yes indeed, this does belong to me.

And now I have it.  Uncovered in its black truth and ugly being and I struggle with the reality and as I continue to unpack and place things just so, I realize I Don’t Have a Place For This.

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

6/19/17

The Truth About Detours

images-1

Rise to the beautiful bounty that exists inside your soul

Answer the questions God asks you

The answers contain the directions that make you whole

There are many possible routes to get where you are supposed to be

Some are better than others

Some you just wait and see

There are no wrong answers

For everything moves you in one direction or the other

669

But there are better roads to travel

You can take the road you want to

But don’t expect to wander freely and get to your destination in a timely fashion

You see, this is where free will steps in

Yes – there may be a plan for you

But if you take a detour and get side tracked

Then the purpose you are supposed to fulfill will be delayed

No one can say for sure how long

Or if you will even fulfill that purpose in your lifetime

And there will be consequences to your psyche

For not fulfilling the contract

Feelings of being lost

Feelings of anger

Feelings of not being satisfied

For how satisfied could you be if you are not satisfying your purpose?

273

In hindsight, I can’t have regrets

Because I would not have had my beautiful son

If I had not taken my detour

A rather long, convoluted detour

One that had many twists and turns

And accidents along the way

But here I am now

A little worse for wear

Probably a lot more broken

And there’s always the self-abuse I created

But the point is

I’m back!

I have never felt more authentically me

than perhaps when I was a young child

Free will

It’s all up to us how, when, and where we travel

The road can either be the original planned one

Or – you can take a detour

649

 

Blessitude

Lorrie

Written 7/12/14

When I was 18, a woman who was dressed as a gypsy at a Halloween party read my palm.  She looked me in the eye and told me she could see what I was planning and that I absolutely should not do it! 

It was creepy!  Because just so happens I had a HUGE thing planned.  I was eloping in one month….leaving the security of family (and really…really…pissing them off!) leaving a career that I loved, and heading to a life filled with lies, drugs, anger, and abuse!

It was somewhere around Tennessee that we made the call to my parents…far enough away that my Father couldn’t get us.  But the very, very, sad thing is that all I wanted was for my Father to come and get me.  I knew that I was making a huge mistake and I just wanted to go home.

My Father’s reaction was so filled with hate and anger it made me dig my boots in and finally, 600 miles away I stood up to him for the first time in my life!  All I really wanted was to be a little girl and go home, but this newfound bravery was so enticing I told him we were already married and there was nothing he could do about it!!  Phew!!  Wow!  It felt really good to cause him that pain which didn’t come close to the years of horrible abuse he inflicted on our family.

In a moment life can change.  In that moment, my life changed forever.  I had broken free from the abuse.  Or so I thought at that time.  Apparently the gypsy knew that I only traded one tyrant for another. And my tyrants were always disguised in love.

Life is filled with decisions we have to make.  Looking back you can see the really huge moments that irrevocably changed your path, or if you are lucky you can recognize them when they are happening.  The truth about detours is they put you on roads that you otherwise would not have traveled. I wouldn’t change a thing because my son is my gift that I received in the detour. 🙂  And I know how lucky I am that my detour has finally led me back to my intended path…..Blessitude!

❤ Lorrie

A “Hot Mess”

Hot Sauce...Hot Mess
Hot Sauce…Hot Mess

That’s hot sauce!  Crashed to the floor…glass and sauce spattered across my tiles.  The scary part is I immediately thought, “I need to take a photo of that…I can probably write a post about it!”

The other reason I took a photo is because I was really stumped as to how to clean it up.  I was so happy that the puppy was in his crate.  Poor baby would have gotten the surprise of his life if he had gotten into that!

This was not the first fall and crash on the tiles in this kitchen.  I was brought back to a time when what had fallen out of the grocery bag was olive oil…yuk!  While both proved equally icky to clean up, I had to marvel at the difference in my reaction to the mess.

Years ago my first reaction was self-abuse.  I called myself a stupid idiot and probably a few other choice words.  I was yelling and berating myself and was so full of anger.  I can remember that when I finally cooled down and thought about it, it actually scared me.  It was such an overreaction to what had happened that I knew something else had to be going on.

I remember when I realized that I continued to abuse myself long after I left the abusive relationships that had plagued me.  The beauty of being able to remember is that it means you are no longer doing it!

Yes, this time my reaction was, “Oh, look at that…it’s kind of cool.  Almost looks like an art project.”  Then I thought I should take a picture…and then I started to clean it up.  No harm, no foul.  Well, except for the fact that I needed the hot sauce for my recipe!

I truly am blessed and full of gratitude for the transformative healing that I have gone through.  It was hard work but completely worth the time, pain, and effort.

Sometimes it is the little things in life that shine a light on progress.  Who would think that my “hot mess” would show me mine?