Which Hurt is Better?

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I’m not sure I’ll post this.  I’m not sure why I am writing it.

My ex husband died today…the father of my only son.

I wondered if I should feel something more than what I do?

I suppose what I feel … is what I feel.  And I hate the word “should!”

We were so young when we married and had a baby.

We were babies ourselves…what did we know of the world?

I knew very quickly that being with him was not the life I wanted for myself or for my son.

Someone had to protect him.

I find it one of the saddest things about my life…a recurring theme.

That a child should have to be protected from the people who are supposed to protect him!

It doesn’t make sense.

I ended it quickly, but not before real pain was delivered.

To both of us.

And some people get really good at delivering pain.

And some people get really good at receiving it.

He never touched me or my heart again.

I suppose that is why I am serene.

And even though in the long run it was the best thing for him, my son never had a relationship with him.

But that hurt him.

And I wish there was some way that I could take that hurt away from him.

And I’m not sure if that hurt is better than the hurt he would have had if he had been in his life.

How do we quantify which hurt is better.

And why am I sitting here wondering which hurt would have been better???

Those are the choices I used to live with.

Funny…I didn’t recognize it then.

But I do now.

And I also know I can’t banish the dark, I can only brighten the light.

So I will make sure my baby knows that I have enough love for him to make up for any parental lack.

And I will make sure I treat my own heart with tenderness.

And I will say a silent prayer that his soul be caressed with love.

For in the end isn’t that all that any of us want?

We all want to be loved.

I find it sad the majority of us don’t recognize that we don’t love ourselves the way God intended.

The lack of love is what creates the destructive forces that allow people to be so cruel.

Well, I feel what I feel.

And apparently, I feel a lot.

More than I thought I did.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

Blessitude

Lorrie

7/15/14

 

 

 

 

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My healing journey on the continuum of "It's all wrong" to "It's all right!" I love art and the creative process, reading, writing, and playing tennis.

84 thoughts on “Which Hurt is Better?

  1. How do we quantify which hurt is better.

    And why am I sitting here wondering which hurt would have been better???

    Those are the choices I used to live with.

    What a great question.
    Lorrie I am positive that you and I have lived the exact same life…at least almost. 😉
    As I read this post, it was as if I was reliving my own past. I married my first husband 2 weeks after high school graduation, and had my oldest son with a father that hurt him deeply.

    We too, have severed all ties with him and I have often asked myself the very same questions you posed on this post.
    Life can be so cinfusing and crazy, while at the same time filed with such glory and beauty.

    Again, I just have to say…thank God my path crossed yours. You are a beautiful woman.

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    1. Oh Melanie…I am torn between feeling sad that you and your son were hurt, and feeling like I wasn’t alone because you traveled a very similar path. But I think the important thing is that we are still on very similar paths….this one is full of love and kindness and awareness and joy!!! I am very grateful to have you in my life….and I truly wish that we stay on the correct path…the one that our spirit guides us on…the one with faith and salvation!! Much love to you, and thank you so much for your kind words! ❤ ❤

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  2. Lorrie
    We really do have a lot in common. I was 20 when I met my first husband he was 24. We married 5 months later. I wasn’t pregnant. We were just wildly in love. lol. How silly. Or at least we were when we decided to get married. I saw major red flags in-between then and the wedding but hind sight is 20/20 now isn’t it? I think of the post of yours I just read where you said that if your dad had reacted less angrily, all you wanted was for him to save you but too bad we can’t have the wisdom of our older selves kick in when we are younger!
    Anyway I ended up staying married for 14 years, most of the last year was being separated. I left to save my kids too. From having to watch their dad lose himself in crack. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I see that one coming. He had a good job etc… He died too early too. Mainly because of the way he treated his poor lovely body that was part of the reason I fell in love with him. He was beautiful! At least I thought he was. But by the end of his life. (Lung Cancer) he looked like a 90 year old man. He was only in his fifties.He was the father of my children. I’ve always said that my daughter was the best going away present he ever gave me.
    I too, found it hard to cry when he died. I’d cried all of my tears when we divorced. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And we were both believers At least he was at one time. And in his time of leaving this earth, I think that he found his way back again. There were a lot of apologies etc… but in the end my heart had hardened. As I write my book, I realize that we didn’t really know what love was at all. It is sad. I loved that you shared this! I think that it touched a lot of people. I agree with the comment. “I didn’t know whether to LIKE this” I LIKED it in support of your wonderful writing talents but not because of your pain. And I soooo GET that!
    xoxo

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    1. Oh Wow! Di! It is amazing how similar our lives have been!! How sad for you…crack!! Well…there were drugs involved on my end too and I knew I had to get away or I would be the one to die! So my ex….also ruined his body with drugs/alcohol/cigarettes and got lung cancer too! I did not see him when he wasted away…in fact I have not seen him for more than 15 years….but I heard he looked 90 also…. but was only 55 when he died…so terrible.

      So let’s change this energy now…because it feels so sad!!! I couldn’t be happier for you that you are almost done with your book!!! It is a huge undertaking and you should be so proud of yourself for accomplishing this awesome feat!! I love that I had you in my mind today and then there you were….so let’s think of that kind of energy and go through this week with love and peace in our hearts!!! Good luck Di! ❤ ❤

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  3. I think there are important things that we learn only through pain and suffering which fortunately can be transcended by the Spirit, the power of Love and grace. Thanks for sharing your soul. Peace.

    Like

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