I’m not sure I’ll post this. I’m not sure why I am writing it.
My ex husband died today…the father of my only son.
I wondered if I should feel something more than what I do?
I suppose what I feel … is what I feel. And I hate the word “should!”
We were so young when we married and had a baby.
We were babies ourselves…what did we know of the world?
I knew very quickly that being with him was not the life I wanted for myself or for my son.
Someone had to protect him.
I find it one of the saddest things about my life…a recurring theme.
That a child should have to be protected from the people who are supposed to protect him!
It doesn’t make sense.
I ended it quickly, but not before real pain was delivered.
To both of us.
And some people get really good at delivering pain.
And some people get really good at receiving it.
He never touched me or my heart again.
I suppose that is why I am serene.
And even though in the long run it was the best thing for him, my son never had a relationship with him.
But that hurt him.
And I wish there was some way that I could take that hurt away from him.
And I’m not sure if that hurt is better than the hurt he would have had if he had been in his life.
How do we quantify which hurt is better.
And why am I sitting here wondering which hurt would have been better???
Those are the choices I used to live with.
Funny…I didn’t recognize it then.
But I do now.
And I also know I can’t banish the dark, I can only brighten the light.
So I will make sure my baby knows that I have enough love for him to make up for any parental lack.
And I will make sure I treat my own heart with tenderness.
And I will say a silent prayer that his soul be caressed with love.
For in the end isn’t that all that any of us want?
We all want to be loved.
I find it sad the majority of us don’t recognize that we don’t love ourselves the way God intended.
The lack of love is what creates the destructive forces that allow people to be so cruel.
Well, I feel what I feel.
And apparently, I feel a lot.
More than I thought I did.
Thanks for listening. 🙂