I Remember…An Odyssey ~ On The Verge

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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This writing is very powerful

I am sitting alone at the pool

Crying

I feel that I am on the verge of a life changing event

I have fear

But I have love

I am certain that everything happens for a reason

I am certain I am supposed to be here alone

I am certain that God loves me

And that I have been protected my whole life

I know that my truth lies dormant in my soul

I know that there is great pain there

And I know that every step I take is preparing me for this truth

And in this truth I know that I will be safe

And I know that I will be healed

And I know that what will be revealed will be something

That not only helps me but will help many

I am so grateful

I understand that we are all on a journey

And that we all help one another

Even when it looks like it is not help

I know the antidote to fear is love

And I feel love like I have never felt before

It is not the clingy I’m afraid you will leave me kind of love

But love that comes from creation

Love that binds us each to the other

In happy times

And in times of great tragedy

Love that wants to help

Love that wants to do things

Love that wants to understand

That every soul is doing the best that they can

At any particular time in their life

Bless me with this knowledge

So that I may live in this place

Walk in this love

Believe with my whole being that it matters

It matters

It ALL matters

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

3/30/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Broken Arrow

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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Broken arrow

Frozen dream

Inertia

Walking blindly

Lost my way

Not sure which way I am supposed to go

Once so clear

The arrow pointed

To a life that was full of promise

To a life that honored God

To a life that showcased the best parts of humanity as a whole

Perdition

Wasteland

Swirling in the dark abyss

No light

This is not the dream

This is not the life I imagined

This is not what I agreed to

My frozen dream

The hands of God rest on my spine

Lift me up to heavenly realms

Angel wings borrowed

Placed just so

I think I can fly

My heart is COLD but BEATING

My soul is LOST but MOVING

My dream is SEEN but FROZEN

My mind is WRONG but CHANGING

Feel the ether from a kiss

That is blown through the universe

It melts the ice

And explodes the myths

It propagates truth

Transcends the lighted brilliance

          BANG!!!

An arrow to the heart

Cupid’s playground

Walk amongst the flowers

Fragrance rises

Plays with the senses

Vision restored

Clear focus

Birds sing a song

It’s impossible not to dance to

Light pervades the landscape

And my heart sends out a signal

That connects to the sacred vessel of time

And my arrow is fixed

And my dream is displayed in glory

And my soul rejoices

Blessitude

Lorrie

3/27/15

 

The Long Night & Haiku ~ 12/16/14

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I stayed awake all night a few ago…No…I wasn’t reliving my teens pulling an all-nighter, partying, having fun.  I stayed awake all night, crying, and praying, and writing.

I am at a place in my life that intellectually I knew would arrive, but emotionally I never wanted to think about.

The Momma was very sick and hospitalized.  Then it seemed she lost her will to live.  It was so unlike her – she fought her whole life.  It was unbearable to me because if she could give up the fight for her life what would that mean for me?  Would it be possible that I would ever give up?

 

You look me in the eye

And you tell me you will try

But it’s all a bold faced lie

And I hang my head and cry

Because you soon will die

And I have to question why

Should I simply say goodbye?

 

I wrote the above words that night.  It was the beginning of a very personal writing that was interspersed with prayers to God and cries for help.  Not only help with the current situations I find myself in, but help with the emotional upheaval that the past three weeks resurrected in my soul’s heart.

The sun rose and suddenly there was clarity.  I understood that her failure to fight was because she was afraid.  She wanted to continue to live but she didn’t know how to do it.  And then God provided the answers which, if I had been paying attention, were right in front of my eyes the whole time.

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“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

 

Haiku ~ 12/15/14

Oh how I rejoice

When your favor is revealed

Love for me is shown

 

Things I did not see

Standing right in front of me

Vision is restored

 

Full of Thankfulness

For blessed understanding

You show me the way

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I wish for you all to stay strong in your faith, especially during hard times.  I have found that the harder I lean into it, the faster my “vision” becomes clear…the faster my mind hears the words that are placed in my heart.  The words that are sent, the people who are put in my path, the strength that I find right when I think I have no more to give…that is what I am talking about…that is what I am so blessed and full of gratitude for…Blessitude!!!  Thank You!

❤ Lorrie

12/16/14

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Top photo courtesy of en.wikipedia.or
“The Night Sky” Mount Hood National Forest

 

 

My Heart Blossoms

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Directly to my heart

the arrow of love pierces my being

the feeling is strong and overwhelming

due to its long absence

but I accept it

I caress it

I honor it

 

Gone are the dark days

where my first thought was one of guilt

look back on a life

and be responsible for everyone

everything

and the funny thing is that I WAS responsible

just not in the way I thought I was

 

Now it’s hard to believe the way I berated myself

mistreated myself

mistreated God

for how could I dishonor one of his children

it ran deep

deep in the veins of my soul

I did not even recognize the person who took over

the tyrant with a stick

to beat down anything that was beautiful

anything that was true

 

I can cry now

and see the wrongness of it all

and I can rejoice now

for all that is right

my heart blossoms

like a beautiful spring flower

bubbles over with love for all

with love for myself

 

It is new

foreign

but it is nice

and I want to hold on to it

and I want to grab it with both arms

in a death grip

with fear

so that it can never leave me again

panic rises in my throat

at the thought of losing it

at the thought of going back to the ugliness

the vile desecration

 

BUT THEN I STOP

 

Breathe!

let it go

relax

release

no fear

I look at the flower that closed so tightly

and I poke it

tap it gently

tap my heart

it’s okay

you are safe

you don’t have to protect yourself

for the act of protection is what closes you off from God

 

One by one

the petals of my heart loosen

and it is spring all over again

the beautiful flower blossoms

and the love flows freely

and this is where I want to be

this is where I want to stay

this is where I am meant to be

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Blessitude

Lorrie

6/8/14

 

Climb

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My mind plays a time when we were young and carefree

We chased our dreams into the deadend that became my life

The hollow abyss

With no emotions

No yearnings

No feelings

No thoughts of a better time

Deeper and deeper I dug a hole in the consciousness of my evolution

The deeper you fall the harder you land

The longer the ride to the top

Drive forward…raise up

Don’t slip back

Like a roller coaster catching gears

The fear grips me

To know that there is the magnificent life I have missed

Brings a tear of sadness

That permeates my soul

I cry for the lost time

I weep for the lost child

But I don’t stay there long

Climb the ladder of the day

Of my life

I was cradled in His love the whole time

For how could I know who I was until I knew who I wasn’t?

That is what these days are for

That is what the ladder rungs of misery were there for

They showed me the depth of my soul

They showed me who I am

Who I have always been

Who I have always wanted to be

So I rise and I climb higher

To my purpose

Which is to know me

Really really know me

And to connect to my universal soul

The soul of all creation

The soul of all humanity

The soul of God

 

Blessitude

Lorrie

Written 5/30/14

Ethereal Jaunt Through Time

 

 

Closer to God!
Closer to God!

When I’m flying

I feel closer to God

Billowing clouds float by daintily

beckon a tumble

one cloud to the next

like a cotton trampoline

 

My thoughts are clearer

maybe the air is thinner

so it is easier to digest

I fell like I know who I am at 40 thousand feet

 

Look down below at a world that is at times mixed up

at best just confused

yet here it seems to be a dream

 

Get 5 tons of metal and flesh airborne

500 MPH

to the destination of your choice

2 hours later you arrive

where you started

but the journey brought you closer to God

closer to heaven

closer to angels

closer to truth

 

And you take a peek inside and you realize that every thought

every feeling

every deed is yours and yours alone

doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks

says

or does

 

For on this flight

this ethereal jaunt through time and space

you alone are responsible for the reality

of the flight

of the journey

of your life

 

Blessitude

Lorrie

Written 5/23/14