A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ I’m in the Happiest Place on Earth

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I’m in the “Happiest Place on Earth” and that fake smile is painted on my face.  Yes…look at me… I am HAPPY.

Nobody wants to see a scowl at Disney World.

Just writing this, holding the pencil in my hand and pressing on the page causes such pain.  But I won’t stop.  I refuse to allow this +&#$*@% disease to take anything else away from me.

I tried to play tennis today…well not “play” but just hit…practice.

It was frightening.

I could not control my body.

I’ve played tennis for 30 years, so hitting a tennis ball is like walking or riding a bike…you just don’t forget how to do it…it is automatic.

Unless you have Lyme Disease.

Unless you are taking massive doses of antibiotics.

Unless you have a build up of dead bacteria clogging your system.

And if all of the above is true

You watch yourself as if looking at a stranger

And you see the struggle as she tries to put the motor sequences together

You swear you can see the wheels turning in her mind

Trying to recite each direction in the proper order

And then

You watch as the rag doll of a body does whatever it wants to do

Arms and legs flailing

A complete discord between thought and action

A loss of all control

And when the mind realizes that its power has been usurped by a rogue body dancing to its own tune

It thinks about the 30 years of its reign

And it sighs

And it paints the smile in india ink

Because for some reason…those muscles respond!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/20/17

This happened a few weeks ago, and it is really hard to explain what it feels like when your body becomes completely non-responsive to the brain that has controlled it for as long as you can remember.

The only thing I can say is there is TOTAL FEAR! 

I know the only antidote to fear is LOVE, so I try with my whole soul to stay in the love energy.  You would think it would be easy to stay there…because it definitely FEELS better.  But old habits die hard…really hard.

LOVE!

LOVE!!

LOVE!!!

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ The Treatment

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THE TREATMENT

That empty space is me contemplating the treatment

HOT TOPIC!

The treatment can make the symptoms worse than the disease

Plus the idea of the treatment…

thinking about the effects of long-term

ANTIBIOTIC USE

can absolutely freak me out

If I let even one brain cell contemplate it…

SO I DON’T

I refuse to think about it

And I just wish I could forget it.

Why can I so easily forget things I want to remember

and yet

when I WANT to forget

this ONE THING…

Just one little thing…

it sits there

in the back of my mind

like a boulder

and even if ten men were to try to move it…

they couldn’t

Yeah…

It sits there…

Just like that

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/19/17

Hello my friends!  I hope this beautiful Sunday finds you all living from your soul!

I am just over a month into treatment, and I won’t lie and say that it has been easy.  But I am constantly aware of how I am THINKING, and for the most part I have been in whatever moment I am in!  And in those moments things can change swiftly.

The FEAR I feel from thinking about the treatment can be overwhelming at times, but the alternative is to allow the bacteria to completely take over my body.  So I think positive thoughts, and I treat myself with love and kindness (a new paradigm I wish I knew about sooner 😉 )

I am BLESSITUDE!  I thank each and every one of you for the love and support that you so freely extend.  May you all live in a place of truth and love ❤

Lorrie

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ The List

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There was a strong look of concern on his face

as I read the list I decided to write

because my brain fog doesn’t allow me

to remember everything

and when I speak

I sound like an idiot

as I grapple for words

that are buried

deep in my brain

and hardly ever

get uncovered.

Being able to speak to anyone

about anything

and to think on my feet

used to be

an

attribute.

Now

it’s just a distant

memory

but not the kind

I can’t remember ~

too bad.

Yes.

The List.

His eyebrows went up in surprise

as I read it…

I noticed.

The list…

it was long.

Hmmmm.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/12/17

One of the things that happens with this disease is that my senses are heightened, sometimes to the point of exhaustion!  Sudden noises frighten me as I literally jump from the assault.  I hear things, loud, that other people have to stop and concentrate hard to hear.

Visually, I see…EVERYTHING!! It makes driving difficult as I can be distracted by a tiny bunny hopping on the side of the highway (the same highway that has 5 lanes and if you don’t drive at least 75 mph you are in danger of being assaulted by those who want to go 95!)

Forget about smell.  This one is super annoying as I find myself saying most of the day, “Do you smell that?”  Again, other people generally don’t, or they have to work really hard to get it.  But then again, my friends probably just say, “Yes, I do,” because they know the drill.

Touch is very strange because right now I have numbness that comes and goes from my waist down.  But let one piece of hair get loose and touch my body!!  You would think an army of ants were marching head to toe.  Being that the treatment makes my hair shed more, I cut my hair off (really…off!) so that I could stop the creepy crawly sensations.  It has helped…a little. 

As far as taste goes, there is a constant taste in my mouth and it reminds me of an episode of the TV show ‘Alone.’  One person decided to boil her socks in water to clean them after wearing them for about a month.  Yeah, you get the idea.

Then there is other people’s energy.  Yes…that assaults me too. It is hard to be in large groups of people as I pick up on every thought…every emotion! 

So when my doctor raised his eyebrows…it was subtle and probably would have been unnoticed by most people…but to me he may as well have screamed, “Holy Crap!”

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ Failure

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The miles rack up.

Plenty of time to think.

To analyze.

To try to lay blame.

To punish myself.

To promise to do better.

Plenty of time

to feel embarrassment

and not want to tell anyone

I have had a relapse

And that I just wasn’t good enough

to beat this disease.

A failure.

I feel like a complete failure.

What did I do to allow this

opportunistic infection to

invade my body again?

To take over my body again?

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/12/17

I won’t lie.  My first thought was that I would not tell anyone because I was so embarrassed.  I am so grateful that I did not follow that route because I am no longer ashamed and realize there should be no blame.  And I should not beat myself up. 😉  And we are much better off when we are in a place where we can ask for help.  Thank you my friends, for helping ❤

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ You Can’t Control Everything

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You can’t control everything…

CAN YOU?

I certainly tried through all these years.

And what I eventually found was that

I control NOTHING!

Well, nothing but what I decide to think.

So in essence, I can do

exactly what I did last time…

and we all know that insanity

So I wouldn’t expect a different outcome

or

I can decide to try something different.

But all I really want to do

is

cry.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/10/17

It is almost mind boggling how I try to repeat things I know will not help.  It is mainly the feeling of helplessness because I just don’t know how to handle my life day to day.  You think that you could get a bead on just how much activity was ‘enough’ activity, versus it being ‘way too much’ acitivity and it renders you bed bound for days.

I like to KNOW things.  I would like to have the secret recipe for what would make me feel better…or at least not make me feel worse.

I am struggling to let that all go, but it is hard.  I know I need to use my body but there is no magic formula for not doing too much.  Maybe anything is too much…

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ I Was Positive It Would Never Return

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Surely, I must be wrong because

I BEAT IT!

I BEAT IT!

I KNOW I DID!!

It was gone.

I was healed.

I felt great…

Until I didn’t.

Sure…

It was a tough year.

Many things happened that broke my heart.

But I got through them!

I survived.

I am so much better equipped to deal with

the curve balls that life throws at me.

I never considered it would return.

In fact,

I WAS POSITIVE IT WOULD NEVER RETURN!

It’s hard to believe that I was wrong.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/8/17

I have accepted what is, but I still feel a little incredulity that it is so.  I know that the things we fight only get magnified in energy, so I try my hardest each day to live in the energy of full acceptance.

It hurts… a lot!  And today it feels like I have the flu, so that is a good sign.  It means that the meds are killing the bacteria and the die off is taxing my system.  A key component to healing is to take positive steps to detox on a daily basis.  Come to think of it that’s not a bad idea even if we aren’t sick!

Blessitude, my friends ❤

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ Like a Ton of Bricks

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And the truth smacks me in the face…

and the hip…

and the elbow…

and the foot…

and the wrist…

BUT THE HEART?

Like a ton of bricks dropped on my chest

all the pieces to the puzzle fell into place

The AHA! moment…

the Saturday morning that I said the words aloud,

“I think my Lyme Disease is back,”

caused such self-reproach

I could hardly breathe

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/6/17

Oh…that moment when realization sets in and you feel like a complete idiot for not getting there sooner!

I’ve had lots of symptoms over the years, but when it felt like I was having a heart attack I panicked (which probably explains things 😉 )

My spleen was very enlarged as it was working so hard to fight the infection.  I’ve had an enlarged spleen before but never one this large.  It caused many new symptoms, which I guess is a good thing because that is what eventually led to my AHA! moment.

I am being much kinder to myself than when I originally penned this poem.  Thanks again to you beautiful souls, I just know your thoughts and prayers are helping!

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel