Standing Naked ~ And It Feels Good!

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I was asked if this was a seminal moment.  Asked if I was truly over it, once and for all.  And I felt a tug at my heart.  Am I really ready to be done with the hurt?  Is my constant companion, my partner in pain, the legacy that I have built over all these years REALLY ready to be buried…?

For what will I be without this pain?

What would my life look like?

What would it feel like?

Has it become a security blanket, an excuse for not facing reality?  For running in the lane of all that HAPPENS to me versus all that I have created?  All that I have allowed to be?

There is a feeling of nakedness…of standing in the middle with nothing to hide behind…

Is my pain my cloak that has provided me a safe, albeit painful existence in this journey of a thousand miles?

What if I am truly able to bury the pain of feeling excluded in the family I was born into?  What if I realize that I was born into that family to learn the lesson that there is no such thing as exclusion.  It is made up by me and my mind.  The pain I have created is what causes the distance and every step I take back keeps the pain further ensconced in my mind, in my heart, in my cells memory.

Am I truly done?  Can I have a sweet burial of this illusion, of this pain?  Can I see that standing naked in the middle, with no false protection not only allows the illusion of pain to melt and drip to puddles on the ground, but opens my heart, opens my soul to the wondrous beauty of the love from creation?

The light enters my heart and it expands out until my naked soul is exposed and my being is caressed by the most authentic love.  A love so brilliant it heals all the wounds and it leaves a beautiful energy behind and changes the cells perception of pain into love.

Yes, dear Hariod, I AM!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

8/28/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ The Thread

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

 

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In the darkness there is a thread

I can see it hanging

And I have the urge to pull it

I know from past experience that even a little tug

Will unravel all that is securely in place

All that is neatly hemmed

Uniform

Clean

If I let it rip

That tiny thread will undo a lifetime of holding it in place

It will leave a crease

A stain

A mark

On an otherwise smooth surface of buried memories

Still

I wonder how terrible would it really be to

Unleash the chains that were self-imposed

Left to wander

But not too far

Just in case

Just in case

In the darkness my fingers toyed with the thread

As my mind toyed with my heart

Thumb and index finger rolled the thread around

Felt the texture

Felt the spun silk

It was alluring

It was seductive

I was almost convinced

So I pulled

A gentle tug

A stitch undone

It was exhilarating

It was exciting to be walking in the

Realm of the forbidden

To be insubordinate to the secrets

That have been in control

Another stitch….

An inch or so

But the fear of a mile made me drop it

Dead in my tracks

As I turned my back

And nursed the wounds of my psyche

The scars of my memories

The horrors of exile

I wrapped myself in the cocoon of safety

In the pristine hem that has held it all together

For all these years

Left with an exposed inch

I feel that it is possible to explore it

It is truth revealed for my curious mind

That at times would question the validity

It was enough

For now

I am safe and armed with this inch of knowledge

I feel another chain in the link of bondage on my soul has been removed

And I feel lighter

Freer

Happier

Safer

And above all else

I feel more capable to hold the little girl

And to love her unconditionally

And to cry

With her

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

4/1/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ On The Verge

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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This writing is very powerful

I am sitting alone at the pool

Crying

I feel that I am on the verge of a life changing event

I have fear

But I have love

I am certain that everything happens for a reason

I am certain I am supposed to be here alone

I am certain that God loves me

And that I have been protected my whole life

I know that my truth lies dormant in my soul

I know that there is great pain there

And I know that every step I take is preparing me for this truth

And in this truth I know that I will be safe

And I know that I will be healed

And I know that what will be revealed will be something

That not only helps me but will help many

I am so grateful

I understand that we are all on a journey

And that we all help one another

Even when it looks like it is not help

I know the antidote to fear is love

And I feel love like I have never felt before

It is not the clingy I’m afraid you will leave me kind of love

But love that comes from creation

Love that binds us each to the other

In happy times

And in times of great tragedy

Love that wants to help

Love that wants to do things

Love that wants to understand

That every soul is doing the best that they can

At any particular time in their life

Bless me with this knowledge

So that I may live in this place

Walk in this love

Believe with my whole being that it matters

It matters

It ALL matters

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

3/30/15

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Safe

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

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Safe from the sounds of the outside world

Locked away from the energy of others

I am calm

Protected from jealous whispers

And winds of change

I walk

I walk and I hear the voice of my soul

And I feel

I Feel the caress of great love

That erupts from the base of my understanding

From the beginning of time

This love washes me with gentle spring rain

And it cleanses my mind

It cleanses my thoughts

It flows with gravity

And leaves behind a blossom

A blossoming soul with soft petals

And thorns

Thorns that protect

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

3/28/15

 

My Heart Blossoms

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Directly to my heart

the arrow of love pierces my being

the feeling is strong and overwhelming

due to its long absence

but I accept it

I caress it

I honor it

 

Gone are the dark days

where my first thought was one of guilt

look back on a life

and be responsible for everyone

everything

and the funny thing is that I WAS responsible

just not in the way I thought I was

 

Now it’s hard to believe the way I berated myself

mistreated myself

mistreated God

for how could I dishonor one of his children

it ran deep

deep in the veins of my soul

I did not even recognize the person who took over

the tyrant with a stick

to beat down anything that was beautiful

anything that was true

 

I can cry now

and see the wrongness of it all

and I can rejoice now

for all that is right

my heart blossoms

like a beautiful spring flower

bubbles over with love for all

with love for myself

 

It is new

foreign

but it is nice

and I want to hold on to it

and I want to grab it with both arms

in a death grip

with fear

so that it can never leave me again

panic rises in my throat

at the thought of losing it

at the thought of going back to the ugliness

the vile desecration

 

BUT THEN I STOP

 

Breathe!

let it go

relax

release

no fear

I look at the flower that closed so tightly

and I poke it

tap it gently

tap my heart

it’s okay

you are safe

you don’t have to protect yourself

for the act of protection is what closes you off from God

 

One by one

the petals of my heart loosen

and it is spring all over again

the beautiful flower blossoms

and the love flows freely

and this is where I want to be

this is where I want to stay

this is where I am meant to be

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Blessitude

Lorrie

6/8/14

 

I Am Who I Am

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Sunset on a Plane

If I yell as loud as I can and I only get laughed at – is that a reason to shut up?

If my voice isn’t heard because you can’t hear – is that a reason to quit trying?

If I tell you exactly what I am and you think I’m someone different – does that mean that I’m not who I think I am?

I am who I am, who I’ve been, who I’ll be,

I am who I am and that’s good enough for me

I walk these dusty roads and I’ve seen it all before

I meet the same people different towns, different names

They move their lips, same words come out nothing much has changed

They are who they are, who they’ve been, who they’ll be,

They are who they are and that’s good enough for me

The long journey home many miles many trials

Is it the same for every soul?

Learning to crawl, digging deeper, unleashing the truth, discarding the worthless, coming closer to perfect love

The road has been covered with ice, my heart has melted and the way home is clear

It’s warm, and toasty, and safe, and real.  Wish I had worked harder, sooner

We are who we are, who we’ve been, who we’ll be,

We are who we are…our destiny.

Blessitude

Lorrie

Written 8/31/12

A Shout out to “The Momma” –  HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!   You are so loved!

 

Beyond the Shadows of My Mind

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What is it that lurks in the shadows – do I fear what is not known

How do you reach the darkness if everything you’ve ever done is to suppress it – push it down – bury it under layers of memories that will never reach the light of your mind

Is it okay to remember?  Will I be safe or will I once again go to that place where there is no time – no sound – no color – no love – no thought – no feeling…

I walk and I climb and I want to reach the summit

I feel it there and I have faith that I am fully prepared to reach beyond the shadows of my mind

I want to see colors – I want to bath in the rainbow painted in the sky and watch as flowers bloom bursting colors from a palette made by God

I want to hear birds sing in harmony – an orchestra play a symphony of sounds that create oneness with each other and the silence stands alone

I want to be a part of my life – I want to grow old gracefully having lived in each moment knowing the precious gift that it is

I want to love – Everything!  I want the depths of that ever abundant, ever truthful faith in human emotion to show through the raw pain of humanity

I want to think in layers that create a web that reaches to every living soul and comes back to me with collective knowledge.  I want to reach the limits of all conscious mind to the awakening of one.

I want to feel.  I want to feel with my body and delight in the touch of a whisper from God.  I want to feel with my hands the earth that crumbles leaving the footprints of my ancestors with their longing desires.  I want to feel with my heart in a way that could never be described with words.  A way that engulfs the sine waves of creation and extends to the end of infinity.

These are the things that have been missing because my fear of the darkness has cemented a cavern that exists between the realm of what is real and the walls of my heart.

I feel the possibilities and I live to touch them – to be a part of the miraculous system of creation from a place of design.

I am sure of this moment and I am sure that it is ever more than safe to walk out from behind the shadow that once hid my life and that I will flourish in this dimension of mind.

Blessitude

4/6/14