A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ She Asked Me What it Feels Like

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Blood that hurts

and a mind

that floats off

into 71 directions at the same time

with an inability to find

even the simplest of words.

Watching from a distance

afraid to get too close for fear

of a backlash of anger

self driven

drug motivated

dead bacteria invading

every

cell

a mind that notices

but has no authority

to step in

and try

to calm the action

of

13,000,000

spiked pinballs

bouncing off of

bones

muscles

tendons

ligaments

organs

burrowing into matter

all that matters

AH!

The tears start to flow

well-meaning people

try to help

and I can’t stand to tell them

that there’s nothing they can do

so

I just say

THANK YOU!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/22/17

I thought about changing the end of this poem because it was written weeks ago…before I realized that there is A WHOLE LOT THAT OTHERS CAN DO!!!  Your prayers and well wishes have been an incredible source of love and strength for me.  Sometimes I am at a loss for how to properly convey how I have been touched by you.

From the deepest part of my soul, I thank you with love that connects each and every one of us!  I am Blessitude and I wish you all the beautiful light of LOVE ❤

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ Failure

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The miles rack up.

Plenty of time to think.

To analyze.

To try to lay blame.

To punish myself.

To promise to do better.

Plenty of time

to feel embarrassment

and not want to tell anyone

I have had a relapse

And that I just wasn’t good enough

to beat this disease.

A failure.

I feel like a complete failure.

What did I do to allow this

opportunistic infection to

invade my body again?

To take over my body again?

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/12/17

I won’t lie.  My first thought was that I would not tell anyone because I was so embarrassed.  I am so grateful that I did not follow that route because I am no longer ashamed and realize there should be no blame.  And I should not beat myself up. 😉  And we are much better off when we are in a place where we can ask for help.  Thank you my friends, for helping ❤

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ You Can’t Control Everything

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You can’t control everything…

CAN YOU?

I certainly tried through all these years.

And what I eventually found was that

I control NOTHING!

Well, nothing but what I decide to think.

So in essence, I can do

exactly what I did last time…

and we all know that insanity

So I wouldn’t expect a different outcome

or

I can decide to try something different.

But all I really want to do

is

cry.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/10/17

It is almost mind boggling how I try to repeat things I know will not help.  It is mainly the feeling of helplessness because I just don’t know how to handle my life day to day.  You think that you could get a bead on just how much activity was ‘enough’ activity, versus it being ‘way too much’ acitivity and it renders you bed bound for days.

I like to KNOW things.  I would like to have the secret recipe for what would make me feel better…or at least not make me feel worse.

I am struggling to let that all go, but it is hard.  I know I need to use my body but there is no magic formula for not doing too much.  Maybe anything is too much…

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ Like a Ton of Bricks

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And the truth smacks me in the face…

and the hip…

and the elbow…

and the foot…

and the wrist…

BUT THE HEART?

Like a ton of bricks dropped on my chest

all the pieces to the puzzle fell into place

The AHA! moment…

the Saturday morning that I said the words aloud,

“I think my Lyme Disease is back,”

caused such self-reproach

I could hardly breathe

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/6/17

Oh…that moment when realization sets in and you feel like a complete idiot for not getting there sooner!

I’ve had lots of symptoms over the years, but when it felt like I was having a heart attack I panicked (which probably explains things 😉 )

My spleen was very enlarged as it was working so hard to fight the infection.  I’ve had an enlarged spleen before but never one this large.  It caused many new symptoms, which I guess is a good thing because that is what eventually led to my AHA! moment.

I am being much kinder to myself than when I originally penned this poem.  Thanks again to you beautiful souls, I just know your thoughts and prayers are helping!

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

CONSEQUENCES ~ Choices

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It is a choice

There is no other way that you can state it

Calling it a choice

Implies fault and condemnation

For it truly is in your hands

Whether you stay and take the hit

Or if you keep yourself so far out of the inner circle of abusive energy

That there would be no way for it to touch you

I know deep in my heart

That the only thing that exists for me in these “pseudo” relationships

Is fear, pain, and then guilt and shame

So one has to stop and wonder why

I would allow myself to be in this cycle of dysfunction

And the only possible answer is

That I crave what these relationships

COULD BE

What they are

SUPPOSED TO BE

What I

WANT THEM TO BE

And so I banish any notion that things could never change

And I believe that because I have changed

That there is the possibility that they have too

And every damn time I go in

Like a puppy dog wagging my tail

And I get kicked!

And every time

I nurse my wounds

and say,

“I’m never going back in there!”

And then I always do!

I hope this time is different…

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/23/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

CONSEQUENCES ~ The Bottom Line

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What is at the bottom of these feelings

When the layers are pulled back what is it that exists at the core that is causing so much pain

So much anger and animosity

The bottom line is I spent forever ignoring this truth – laying the guilt, blame, and shame on every place except for the one place that it deserves to be

All the years I felt guilty because I thought I was the one who engineered the distance

It was a fallacy I concocted so as not to accept the truth that HE is the one who created the separation

HE is the one who lets time go by

And I hardly ever enter his mind

And apparently if I do I am easily brushed aside

Just like I’ve always been

That is unless he picks up the phone to make one of three phone calls in an entire lifetime

And the motivation to do so is to celebrate…gloat…perpetuate hate…violence…and racism

To the one he knows would not agree

To the one he thinks he can continue to inflict pain upon

To the one he apparently knew was different from the start and so he worked tirelessly to beat her into submission

I get all wrapped up in what should be which only creates a chasm in dealing with what IS!

Yes.  The bottom line is that I have felt excluded my entire life and I finally realize that is a GOOD THING!

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/16/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

CONSEQUENCES ~ The Fallout

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The dust settles

Unmoving over mountains of hurt

And the sun did indeed rise as you knew it would

The war has ended, not with a peaceful solution, but the incessant battering has abated long enough for you to catch your breath and realize that the pain in your body has lodged itself because you allowed anger and fear to take up residence again

It edges out the love and the old feelings of anger and impatience have been creeping up on you

Yes.  Old habits are hard to break completely

There are ties that stay

Possibly a tiny string

But that energy mends quickly and suddenly there it is…the blood which gives it life is flowing freely and you wake up when the screaming you hear is coming from you

And you behaved exactly as he taught you to behave

And shame starts to shine from the depths of the bottomless hole where your soul used to be

Your son tries to console you and says, “But…that’s the person he made you.”

And I respond with, “But it’s not the person I MADE ME!”

And then Joel Osteen said, “You were listening to the wrong Father!”

And I said, “YES!”

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/14/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING