CONSEQUENCES ~ Choices

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It is a choice

There is no other way that you can state it

Calling it a choice

Implies fault and condemnation

For it truly is in your hands

Whether you stay and take the hit

Or if you keep yourself so far out of the inner circle of abusive energy

That there would be no way for it to touch you

I know deep in my heart

That the only thing that exists for me in these “pseudo” relationships

Is fear, pain, and then guilt and shame

So one has to stop and wonder why

I would allow myself to be in this cycle of dysfunction

And the only possible answer is

That I crave what these relationships

COULD BE

What they are

SUPPOSED TO BE

What I

WANT THEM TO BE

And so I banish any notion that things could never change

And I believe that because I have changed

That there is the possibility that they have too

And every damn time I go in

Like a puppy dog wagging my tail

And I get kicked!

And every time

I nurse my wounds

and say,

“I’m never going back in there!”

And then I always do!

I hope this time is different…

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/23/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

CONSEQUENCES ~ The Bottom Line

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What is at the bottom of these feelings

When the layers are pulled back what is it that exists at the core that is causing so much pain

So much anger and animosity

The bottom line is I spent forever ignoring this truth – laying the guilt, blame, and shame on every place except for the one place that it deserves to be

All the years I felt guilty because I thought I was the one who engineered the distance

It was a fallacy I concocted so as not to accept the truth that HE is the one who created the separation

HE is the one who lets time go by

And I hardly ever enter his mind

And apparently if I do I am easily brushed aside

Just like I’ve always been

That is unless he picks up the phone to make one of three phone calls in an entire lifetime

And the motivation to do so is to celebrate…gloat…perpetuate hate…violence…and racism

To the one he knows would not agree

To the one he thinks he can continue to inflict pain upon

To the one he apparently knew was different from the start and so he worked tirelessly to beat her into submission

I get all wrapped up in what should be which only creates a chasm in dealing with what IS!

Yes.  The bottom line is that I have felt excluded my entire life and I finally realize that is a GOOD THING!

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/16/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

CONSEQUENCES ~ The Fallout

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The dust settles

Unmoving over mountains of hurt

And the sun did indeed rise as you knew it would

The war has ended, not with a peaceful solution, but the incessant battering has abated long enough for you to catch your breath and realize that the pain in your body has lodged itself because you allowed anger and fear to take up residence again

It edges out the love and the old feelings of anger and impatience have been creeping up on you

Yes.  Old habits are hard to break completely

There are ties that stay

Possibly a tiny string

But that energy mends quickly and suddenly there it is…the blood which gives it life is flowing freely and you wake up when the screaming you hear is coming from you

And you behaved exactly as he taught you to behave

And shame starts to shine from the depths of the bottomless hole where your soul used to be

Your son tries to console you and says, “But…that’s the person he made you.”

And I respond with, “But it’s not the person I MADE ME!”

And then Joel Osteen said, “You were listening to the wrong Father!”

And I said, “YES!”

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/14/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

Perfection

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“Thus we end this Course with love given and love received in truth.  You are the learner here until you realize that you are love.  You then become the teacher of what you are.  Your mind and heart join in the wholeheartedness in the embrace.  You are home, and there you will stay forever.”  ~ A Course of Love   32.2

I Am not perfect

No…No

Far from it

The life I led is full of guilt and shame

I Am not perfect

No…No

Far from it

Looking to the world to place the blame

I Am not perfect

No…No

Far from it

Hid my gifts so well I couldn’t see

I Am not perfect

No…No

Far from it

Had no idea what lived inside of me

I Am the student

Hmmm…Hmmm

I’m learning

My heart is open and I know its pain

I Am the student

Hmmm…Hmmm

I’m learning

What is lost makes room for all I gain

I Am the teacher

Ah Ha!

I said it

All I need is right in front of me

I Am the teacher

Ah Ha!

I said it

Honoring the love inside is key

I Am perfection

Yes…Yes

I own it

The things I do make sense inside each place

I Am perfection

Yes…Yes

I own it

I walk in love and always feel His grace

I Am so thankful

Oh…how

I feel it

If I ever have the urge to roam

I Am so thankful

Oh…how

I feel it

I know that I will never leave my home!

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

10/30/16

Blessings on this beautiful Sunday morning!  May you walk in your truth surrounded by light and love ❤

I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Another Inch…perhaps a mile

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

 

 077

I didn’t want to be seen

I didn’t want to be known

Stand against the wall

Become a flower

It is safer to hide

Safer to swallow the truth

Don’t leave any remnants

Hungry birds come to collect them

If I can’t see what happened to me

Then I certainly don’t want anyone else to see it

But they did see it

And they said nothing

They left me to fend for myself in a maze of vile putrefication

The only way to handle the gross violation was to pretend it wasn’t there

And the only way to pretend it wasn’t there was to pretend to sleep

And the only way to pretend to sleep was to try really really hard to sleep

If I could trick my mind into sleeping so soundly that a bomb couldn’t wake me

Then I could actually get up in the morning

And not shrink into the paneling

Or become a velvet flower of the wall paper

You tried to talk to me once

You were a new man

You needed to “come clean”

You needed to get it off your chest

You created such an explosion of fear

I couldn’t breath

No no no! My words stuck under the heavy carpet of truth

I couldn’t speak

I couldn’t hear it

I couldn’t face it

I couldn’t remember it

No!

No!

Not then

 

So I ran

I ran out of the trailer

And out of your life

But I ran out of my life too

And it wasn’t right

And it didn’t feel fair

And I was angry

And I was mean

And I was sick

And I did everything I could do to numb my mind

To stifle my soul

To protect my essence

But there was no protection

I was the one who decided

That I was worthless

And I was the one who decided

That I needed to be punished

I was born bad

Why else would this happen to me

I must have deserved it

I must have wanted it

He told me I asked for it

I must have made him do it

How terrible that I would ruin someone else’s life

By making them a part of my sickness

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

4/3/15

My Heart Blossoms

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Directly to my heart

the arrow of love pierces my being

the feeling is strong and overwhelming

due to its long absence

but I accept it

I caress it

I honor it

 

Gone are the dark days

where my first thought was one of guilt

look back on a life

and be responsible for everyone

everything

and the funny thing is that I WAS responsible

just not in the way I thought I was

 

Now it’s hard to believe the way I berated myself

mistreated myself

mistreated God

for how could I dishonor one of his children

it ran deep

deep in the veins of my soul

I did not even recognize the person who took over

the tyrant with a stick

to beat down anything that was beautiful

anything that was true

 

I can cry now

and see the wrongness of it all

and I can rejoice now

for all that is right

my heart blossoms

like a beautiful spring flower

bubbles over with love for all

with love for myself

 

It is new

foreign

but it is nice

and I want to hold on to it

and I want to grab it with both arms

in a death grip

with fear

so that it can never leave me again

panic rises in my throat

at the thought of losing it

at the thought of going back to the ugliness

the vile desecration

 

BUT THEN I STOP

 

Breathe!

let it go

relax

release

no fear

I look at the flower that closed so tightly

and I poke it

tap it gently

tap my heart

it’s okay

you are safe

you don’t have to protect yourself

for the act of protection is what closes you off from God

 

One by one

the petals of my heart loosen

and it is spring all over again

the beautiful flower blossoms

and the love flows freely

and this is where I want to be

this is where I want to stay

this is where I am meant to be

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Blessitude

Lorrie

6/8/14