A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ She Asked Me What it Feels Like

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Blood that hurts

and a mind

that floats off

into 71 directions at the same time

with an inability to find

even the simplest of words.

Watching from a distance

afraid to get too close for fear

of a backlash of anger

self driven

drug motivated

dead bacteria invading

every

cell

a mind that notices

but has no authority

to step in

and try

to calm the action

of

13,000,000

spiked pinballs

bouncing off of

bones

muscles

tendons

ligaments

organs

burrowing into matter

all that matters

AH!

The tears start to flow

well-meaning people

try to help

and I can’t stand to tell them

that there’s nothing they can do

so

I just say

THANK YOU!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/22/17

I thought about changing the end of this poem because it was written weeks ago…before I realized that there is A WHOLE LOT THAT OTHERS CAN DO!!!  Your prayers and well wishes have been an incredible source of love and strength for me.  Sometimes I am at a loss for how to properly convey how I have been touched by you.

From the deepest part of my soul, I thank you with love that connects each and every one of us!  I am Blessitude and I wish you all the beautiful light of LOVE ❤

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ I’m in the Happiest Place on Earth

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I’m in the “Happiest Place on Earth” and that fake smile is painted on my face.  Yes…look at me… I am HAPPY.

Nobody wants to see a scowl at Disney World.

Just writing this, holding the pencil in my hand and pressing on the page causes such pain.  But I won’t stop.  I refuse to allow this +&#$*@% disease to take anything else away from me.

I tried to play tennis today…well not “play” but just hit…practice.

It was frightening.

I could not control my body.

I’ve played tennis for 30 years, so hitting a tennis ball is like walking or riding a bike…you just don’t forget how to do it…it is automatic.

Unless you have Lyme Disease.

Unless you are taking massive doses of antibiotics.

Unless you have a build up of dead bacteria clogging your system.

And if all of the above is true

You watch yourself as if looking at a stranger

And you see the struggle as she tries to put the motor sequences together

You swear you can see the wheels turning in her mind

Trying to recite each direction in the proper order

And then

You watch as the rag doll of a body does whatever it wants to do

Arms and legs flailing

A complete discord between thought and action

A loss of all control

And when the mind realizes that its power has been usurped by a rogue body dancing to its own tune

It thinks about the 30 years of its reign

And it sighs

And it paints the smile in india ink

Because for some reason…those muscles respond!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/20/17

This happened a few weeks ago, and it is really hard to explain what it feels like when your body becomes completely non-responsive to the brain that has controlled it for as long as you can remember.

The only thing I can say is there is TOTAL FEAR! 

I know the only antidote to fear is LOVE, so I try with my whole soul to stay in the love energy.  You would think it would be easy to stay there…because it definitely FEELS better.  But old habits die hard…really hard.

LOVE!

LOVE!!

LOVE!!!

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ The Treatment

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THE TREATMENT

That empty space is me contemplating the treatment

HOT TOPIC!

The treatment can make the symptoms worse than the disease

Plus the idea of the treatment…

thinking about the effects of long-term

ANTIBIOTIC USE

can absolutely freak me out

If I let even one brain cell contemplate it…

SO I DON’T

I refuse to think about it

And I just wish I could forget it.

Why can I so easily forget things I want to remember

and yet

when I WANT to forget

this ONE THING…

Just one little thing…

it sits there

in the back of my mind

like a boulder

and even if ten men were to try to move it…

they couldn’t

Yeah…

It sits there…

Just like that

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/19/17

Hello my friends!  I hope this beautiful Sunday finds you all living from your soul!

I am just over a month into treatment, and I won’t lie and say that it has been easy.  But I am constantly aware of how I am THINKING, and for the most part I have been in whatever moment I am in!  And in those moments things can change swiftly.

The FEAR I feel from thinking about the treatment can be overwhelming at times, but the alternative is to allow the bacteria to completely take over my body.  So I think positive thoughts, and I treat myself with love and kindness (a new paradigm I wish I knew about sooner 😉 )

I am BLESSITUDE!  I thank each and every one of you for the love and support that you so freely extend.  May you all live in a place of truth and love ❤

Lorrie

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

CONSEQUENCES ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

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I am not completely unscathed

Try as I may to protect my heart

The pounding insults start to leave their mark

Is this a test to see how well I am doing?

Bring back to back assaults from the original abusers to see how I would fare?

And what exactly is it

That doesn’t allow me to just cut the ties

To just walk away

And not turn back

What is their hold on me that doesn’t let me not turn into it again?

I don’t have the answers in this moment

But I do know

That I didn’t cower in a corner

For either one of them!

I lost my cool with the first

But that made me better able to deal with the second

A tag team of abuse

It is not fun

There’s a distant smell of fear

No.  I’m not completely unscathed

But I’m not a victim either!

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/20/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

CONSEQUENCES ~ The Fallout

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The dust settles

Unmoving over mountains of hurt

And the sun did indeed rise as you knew it would

The war has ended, not with a peaceful solution, but the incessant battering has abated long enough for you to catch your breath and realize that the pain in your body has lodged itself because you allowed anger and fear to take up residence again

It edges out the love and the old feelings of anger and impatience have been creeping up on you

Yes.  Old habits are hard to break completely

There are ties that stay

Possibly a tiny string

But that energy mends quickly and suddenly there it is…the blood which gives it life is flowing freely and you wake up when the screaming you hear is coming from you

And you behaved exactly as he taught you to behave

And shame starts to shine from the depths of the bottomless hole where your soul used to be

Your son tries to console you and says, “But…that’s the person he made you.”

And I respond with, “But it’s not the person I MADE ME!”

And then Joel Osteen said, “You were listening to the wrong Father!”

And I said, “YES!”

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/14/16

POSTS IN THE SERIES

(Links will become active after each writing is posted)

1). Consequences ~ The Fishing Expedition

2). Consequences ~ The Fallout

3). Consequences ~ The Bottom Line

4). Consequences ~ The Continuum of Light

5). Consequences ~ I Am Not Completely Unscathed

6). Consequences ~ Choices

7). Consequences ~ THANKSGIVING

Providence…and Hurricane Matthew

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I’ve felt this fear before.

It’s hard to tell if it is the fear of the people,

or the voice of my soul forewarning of impending disaster.

The force of the storm grows in intensity

and the level of fear rises right along with it.

Cars stacked along the highway waiting for pumps…

that no longer pump.

No fuel for those who waited,

no bottled water to be found for miles.

Hard to prepare when

everybody prepares at once.

I know better now how to handle my energy

so I stay calm and plan to weather the storm

holed up in my little condo,

knowing the sounds

and the windows breathing…

in and out…

will wear down my patience

to the point that I just can’t take

one minute longer!

But before that can happen

Matthew jogs west

and the order for

a mandatory evacuation

is issued.

But where can we go?

Fear rises in my throat

and I immediately question

my decision to stay calm for so long!

Did my newfound sense of peace and love

leave me stranded and completely

unprepared

in the face of

a Cat 4 Hurricane?

PROVIDENCE

Hello my friends.  It’s hard for me to write this as I watch the news and see how Haiti was obliterated by Hurricane Matthew.  He is moving up the coast and destroying all he comes in contact with.  I don’t know how these things are decided, a little jog to the east or west and some are spared…and some are not!

I have many feeling to deal with.  We waited so long to evacuate, it was almost too late.  You stay glued to the television watching a monster of a storm slowly get closer.  You look outside and it seems surreal because “The calm before the storm” doesn’t give you any indication of the fury that is about to be unleashed.

I am full of BLESSITUDE.  My family and friends all survived with minimal damage.  The storm took a little turn to the east which kept the eye wall from making landfall on us.  So many others were not as blessed and it makes me cry, huge tears from my heart.  It hurts so much I don’t know where to place these feelings.

Friday was a fog.  My body moved as I put my home back together.  When you evacuate and you look at what to pack you get a better sense of what is important to you.  The rest you leave behind and your mind works overtime as you try to secure them in ways that they might be protected, all the while trying to ignore the thought that a Cat 4 making a direct hit this close to the ocean I love, could mean there would be NOTHING LEFT!

I gently returned each belonging to its proper place as tears full of prayers dropped for those who did not have the same outcome.

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

10/09/16

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THE WHOLE OF HUMANITY

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THE WHOLE OF HUMANITY

 

There is a sadness in the air.  Even the birds can sense that humanity is hurting, suffering.

 

I look and I see mourning, and if not mourning I see fear disguised as anger and prejudice.

 

The coming together eases it a bit, but I wish in time the souls who are here at any given moment could look in another’s being and recognize we are not very different at all…

 

We all have a place and a right to live our lives while traveling here together.

 

The ride would be so much nicer if we were surrounded by love and respect.

 

Stand and offer your hand to your fellow being.  Recognize that they have pain and struggle and they are just trying to get by.

 

Recognize that “your way” is right for you, just as “their way” is right for them.  Neither right…neither wrong…just different.

 

If we could honor that the differences we see make up a WHOLE…they fill the missing pieces, and one is not better without the other…rather we are strengthened when we allow and join…

 

Then we create THE WHOLE OF HUMANITY, rather than the HOLE IN HUMANITY!

Peace.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

6/19/16