The past rises
fog on a lake
The old impulse
to push it back down
also rises
As hands clench my neck
and it’s hard to breathe
A life time
of numbing the pain
and stuffing the memories
into Cinderella’s shoe
No longer feel to serve
the same purpose
A new identity rising
with a nod to the past
but with gentle acknowledgement
to the role you played
You helped me live through it all!
You held my hand and heart
while I cried from the depths of the despair
and you shielded me when I couldn’t face it
Time is moving forward
and I know it is scary
to no longer have a job
I know it can feel like abandonment
But it’s the complete opposite of that
It’s integrating
Becoming one
with honor
and gratitude
And it’s knowing
that we are stronger
together
Than we ever were apart.
~LB
IT’S OKAY TO FEEL
There, I said it!
I’m not sure when not feeling became so important for me. It was so long ago, it’s hard to remember if I put it in place myself, or if the demands to shut up and stop crying created it.
I do remember when we were ordered to speak…I COULDN’T! My throat would close and the necessary air for speech production was locked below my vocal cords. Therefore, when I tried to talk – nothing came out.
It was TOTAL FEAR!
But it looked like insubordination, so the demands got louder and uglier.
I’m doing work right now to find my voice, and it is incredible – life changing!
THE SHAME
But the other day, a script that I had totally memorized just disappeared into thin air – POOF! GONE! And I became that same little girl who struggled so hard to find my voice.
Can you imagine standing in front of a crowd, and when you open your mouth to deliver a speech (that you know you have memorized) NOTHING COMES OUT! Your mind is a blank page…
I didn’t panic in the moment. And a beautiful soul took my (virtual) hand and walked me through the silence, as the loving energy of beautiful new friends sent their good vibes through the Zoom stratosphere. (You all know who you are…I am BLESSITUDE!)
THE SADNESS
I didn’t expect the emotions that engulfed me the next morning. All the fear and shame…and sadness welled-up and I cried on and off for hours.
The initial instinct was to shove it down – bury it- just gloss over it like I always have. But that behavior is what created the trauma that lives deep in my cells, deep in my BEing.
THE DECISION
I’m here to change. I’m here to heal. I want to live my best life from a place of design.
And so, I wrote the poem above as I felt those feelings. I honored my inner child and thanked her for all of the strategies she put in place to help me navigate the terror.
I decided that it no longer serves me to hide – hide my feelings, hide my voice, hide my truth! It seems the things we think might cause the most trouble only do so, if we bury them in the landscape of our soul where they rot from the inside.
Healing is not a once and done process. It’s a journey. A journey filled with twists and turns and multiple steps forward, and maybe a few back, as well.
I am Blessitude for ALL OF IT!
I am a beautiful work in progress!
Sending lots of love and light to you wherever you are in your journey! And if you could use a little HELP ~ all you have to do is ASK! Click here to find a time that works for you.
Blessitude!
Lorrie <3
03/24/2024
Lorrie, you are a great inspiration for seeking health in this complex world. Your blessitudes radiate to us all brilliantly.
Link (if it works) to an article about “Emotional Sobriety” on Psychology Today site that you may appreciate…
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/201107/what-is-emotional-sobriety
Wow, John!! Thank you! For everything! The link did, indeed, work. And it is exactly what I am talking about. I had really good work arounds to “appear” to be okay. Okay really is just being able to experience life…ALL OF LIFE…and know that you are okay!! I am Blessitude…to you! 🙂
I relate to such an incredible journey Lorrie. I stood in front of our whole assembly at school. a grand 11 years old, and froze. And kids, the delightful creatures they are, never let me forget it. It followed me but many years later I realized it had a purpose. To slowly encourage me to be me, dare to go beyond those fears we hold, and build a beauty inside that no words can truly express. I’ve changed, really changed. So many things I’ve faced, but each and every one speaks of that love within us, to believe in what we are and go beyond into that love that awaits us. The hardest part of this journey is to love ourselves, and it is deliberately designed this way so that we will appreciate what we find in each and every trip and stumble we go through. In fact, I dare anyone to hold up their hand that haven’t done so. In fact, I’d be worried if they haven’t. Big hugs kind lady, for daring to share your heart here, and for the love found in doing so. May there be many more ups and downs, and may you glow with that love found 😀❤️🙏
Oh, Mark!! Yes, I can just imagine how badly you were teased by those children! Kids can be so tough, exspecially when they smell blood in the water!! It is a humbling experience to “freeze” and have your mind a complete blank slate. But you are correct. It brought me to a place that I did not expect, and I was actually able to work through an old pattern that I didn’t even realize I had. And that pattern absolutely had something to do with a lack of self-love.
Thank you, Mark, for always bringing everything back to love. I know that is the answer and I know that it all starts with the way we feel about, and treat, ourselves. It’s a journey, right? Where would the journey go if we came here and had nothing to work on!!?? HA! This is some of the most important work we could ever do. And I am always amazed at how the lessons can show up so differently, and yet still be able to bring us exactly where we need to be. I am happy to be on this journey with you, and send so much love and light. Thanks for always adding your footprint here <3
And thank you kind lady, much love and light for that untanglement 🤣 And sorry, I commented in the wrong spot, another of those stumbles 🤗🥰🤣❤️🙏
Hey Mark, I don’t know what you mean by “the wrong spot”…? Besides…as long as I got it I don’t think It’s wrong 😉😉
Make it a super wonderful day ..week!! 😁💜
Haha 🤣 I accidentally commented under John Hay’s reply instead of the reply to your original post, that’s all. Have a great week too kind lady, a celebration of Easter…and much chocolate 🤗🥰🤣❤️🙏
Oh…I.didn’ notice!! I got it!! You too, Mark 😊 All good things, friend 💜
Hi Lorrie, Wow Wonderful inspiring sharing of your healing poetry and your experience! Thank you for being a beacon of light to us sensitive old souls to embrace our self expression as a means to heal from the painful past. I’m almost ready to get back out there as a wayshower for earth angels—on my blog and my YouTube channel. We moved to Florida in fall of 22– I was amazed to realize you are down here too! Sending you warm healing wishes and encouragement to keep up the good work. You are helping more than you know. 😃💖💫🌟
Warmly,
Roxanne
Wow, Roxanne! Thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words, especially the last sentence! There are times when I wonder if it ever reaches the people who could use it, but then I think it doesn’t matter if it does or it doesn’t. What matters is it exists, and there is always a chance that someone who needs it, will find it.
So you are in Florida…Lucky us! I have loved Florida since the first moment I visited when I was 7 years old!! I am also happy to hear that you are close to returning to your blog and YouTube channel!! That is so wonderful…and again…so needed. Hope it is sooner rather than later…but either way…it will be perfect timing 🙂
Thanks again for you heart felt words and here’s to the work!! <3
Lorrie, your vulnerability is so beautiful and touching. It made me cry! I understand what you wrote because I also stuffed my feelings for years and years. And the line about it being scary to no longer have a job – really hit me. I didn’t choose to retire. My career just dried up. But that turned out to be a wonderful gift to my life. I am grateful that I can celebrate my creativity!
Keep writing and sharing. I love your posts!
Beautiful, Judy! Thank you so much for seeing me and for understanding what happened. It was crazy. And I am amazed to find that I had so many ways to NOT FEEL! It blows my mind…because I would have told you that I did, indeed, feel…ALOT!! I think we connect on this level so deeply. My work now has me noticing when I get uncomfortable, and then the things I do in response to that.
I, for one, am happy that you are able to create the way you do. It’s so important the healing you put into the world, Judy. And I apologize for not being there for your lives recently. I’ve been so busy at the theatre…and with my classes. But I will see you very soon, I HOPE!!!
P.S. I also did read your latest blog post…but I got there from FB…and when I tried to reply, it said I had to sign in! I hate when that happens…I don’t know my password!! So I am going to try to go to your blog from my laptop and hopefully be able to respond…but in the meantime…I am sending all kinds of love and healing energy!!!! My goodness…I am so sorry!!
<3 <3
Healing is a journey, and sometimes you’ll walk more quickly on that path than others. Just let yourself accept your feelings! It will all work out in the end.
Hi Ann. Thank you, thank you!! What wonderful, solid advice… I am Blessitude!! It was quite the shocker to realize that I tried my best to NOT ACCEPT THEM!! I tried my best to do any other thing besides FEEL them! Well, after the giant cry the other day, I realize that there really is a better way! 😉
Hope all is well…<3