I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Forgiveness

This is a series of poems that follow a very deep healing experience.  I put a disclaimer here to say that it deals with child sexual abuse and while I hope it affords healing, I beg you to proceed only if you are in a place of safety and can handle it.

Unfortunately, I cannot figure out how to get the series to scroll in order…here at WP…the last post shows first.  So I am going to list the poems in order right here…each poem’s name will be linked to the post.  Each new post will also have links in order.

Thanks for visiting and leaving your footprint here!

I REMEMBER…AN ODYSSEY

1).  Introduction & Haiku

2).  The Funny Thing About Truth

3).  The Journey to…

4).  He Said I Have Anger

5).  The Long Sleepless Night

6).  Broken Arrow

7).  Safe

8).  Alone

9).  On The Verge

10).  Shred

11).  The Thread

12).  Vindication

13).  Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile

14).  Emancipation

15).  Forgiveness

 

FORGIVENESS

20150329_125106

The colors dance upon my mind

A kaleidoscope of shapes

Changing colors melt

And turn into another

All smooth

All swift

Synergistic

Beautiful

Is this what forgiveness feels like?

Free wheeling

Running

Jumping

Weightless

Free

Smiles extend out

Better yet they come back

Gentle

Easy

Loving

Kind

Things that annoyed me before

Are simple

No worries

No rushing

We’ll get there

No hassle

It will all work out

Peace!

Yes, if I had to name this

I would name it peace

With joy!

Yes, add joy to peace

That is what this is

And freedom!

Don’t forget about freedom

Peace + Joy + Freedom

The sun shines brighter

The ocean smells better

And every flower I pass

Has more essence than it had before

Every person I see has more soul than ever before

Let the smile in my heart reach out

Through my lips

Let the laughter of my soul reach out

Through a song

And let the love of my being reach out

Through a hug

A hug for creation

A hug for the universe

If only I had known what forgiveness felt like

Sooner

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who walked on this healing journey with me.  The support you gave to me helped in ways that are real, that are palpable.

I am so happy that I scheduled this series in advance.  I knew that it would be hard for me to post on consecutive days for two weeks in a normal time span.  But the past week has been anything but normal.

I had to drive up north to see my Lyme doctor.  The plan was to drive two days, see my son on Sunday (SonDay :)), see my doctor on Monday and drive two days home.

Saturday night I was informed that my father most probably has lung cancer…they are awaiting the biopsy.  The doctor told him that due to his age (86) and current health, he would recommend that he not do any treatment. He told him to go home and live out his life.  My father said, “The hell with that…take the damn thing out!”  He plans to live to 103 and be shot by a jealous husband.

My heart told me that I should go to visit him Sunday.  My mind intervened and said, “Are you sure?”  I listened to my heart and with the comfort of my son by my side, I made a “surprise” visit…a very surprise visit.  I am so happy that I was able to listen to my heart.

I saw my doctor Monday morning and continued on the road from there.  I was in Virginia when the assisted living facility where The Momma lives called.  She was on her way to the hospital.

I was 15 hours away.  I can’t begin to tell you how frightened I was.  I called my best girlfriend, M, and told her.  She was in her car on the way to The Momma within 5 minutes!  She saved both our lives that day.

The emergency room doctor did an EKG and was going to send The Momma home…her heart was fine.  But, you see, my girlfriend had had a pulmonary embolism a year and a half ago.  She told the ER doctor that The Momma’s symptoms were identical to hers when she had one.  The doctor did not like being told what to look for.  But my girlfriend did not care!  She did not leave him alone until he consented to do a test.

He ordered a CT scan and then didn’t want to show his face when it turned out that The Momma did, indeed, have a pulmonary embolism!

We drove through the night to get to her.  I don’t think I could have slept anyway.  By the time I got to lie down and take a small nap I had been awake for 31 hours.

She is having treatment in the hospital and is in pretty good spirits.  As luck would have it, the hospital was so busy the only room they could give her was a private room.  She keeps exclaiming how nice the room is 🙂

I know how rare it is to have both parents aged 86 (The Momma will be 87 next month) still with me.  I also know that we all walk a different journey here on earth. I am so grateful for the healing that I so very recently received and worked through.  It wasn’t too late.  It was perfect, divine timing.

This post is titled “Forgiveness” because I finally understand what it means.  It does not mean that I condone the behavior or actions of someone who hurt me.  It means that I can be empathetic and I can look at what had happened in their life that made them the way they are.  It means I can say and more importantly believe that they did the best they could at that time with what they had to work with.

As I said above, we all walk our own journey.  We all make decisions.  From the bottom of my soul I thank you for deciding to walk a little while with me!

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

4/5/15

OH!!!  AND HAPPY EASTER!!!♡♡♡

I will be taking some time off from posting here so I can catch up reading what you all have been up to! 😉

Which Hurt is Better?

1696

I’m not sure I’ll post this.  I’m not sure why I am writing it.

My ex husband died today…the father of my only son.

I wondered if I should feel something more than what I do?

I suppose what I feel … is what I feel.  And I hate the word “should!”

We were so young when we married and had a baby.

We were babies ourselves…what did we know of the world?

I knew very quickly that being with him was not the life I wanted for myself or for my son.

Someone had to protect him.

I find it one of the saddest things about my life…a recurring theme.

That a child should have to be protected from the people who are supposed to protect him!

It doesn’t make sense.

I ended it quickly, but not before real pain was delivered.

To both of us.

And some people get really good at delivering pain.

And some people get really good at receiving it.

He never touched me or my heart again.

I suppose that is why I am serene.

And even though in the long run it was the best thing for him, my son never had a relationship with him.

But that hurt him.

And I wish there was some way that I could take that hurt away from him.

And I’m not sure if that hurt is better than the hurt he would have had if he had been in his life.

How do we quantify which hurt is better.

And why am I sitting here wondering which hurt would have been better???

Those are the choices I used to live with.

Funny…I didn’t recognize it then.

But I do now.

And I also know I can’t banish the dark, I can only brighten the light.

So I will make sure my baby knows that I have enough love for him to make up for any parental lack.

And I will make sure I treat my own heart with tenderness.

And I will say a silent prayer that his soul be caressed with love.

For in the end isn’t that all that any of us want?

We all want to be loved.

I find it sad the majority of us don’t recognize that we don’t love ourselves the way God intended.

The lack of love is what creates the destructive forces that allow people to be so cruel.

Well, I feel what I feel.

And apparently, I feel a lot.

More than I thought I did.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

Blessitude

Lorrie

7/15/14

 

 

 

 

The Scent of Contentment

 

Go With the Flow
Go With the Flow

I am all that I am

because of you

I have learned all

I watched and I listened

from the days in the womb

through all the years until now

your loving grace billowed out into the universe

my guiding light

it shines on me

a beacon to myself

always behind me lifting me

holding my heart in your hands

you taught by example

your strength so visible

perseverance so viable

I learned the good the bad the ugly

and I learned what to do with each

to have such a gift is a miracle

to be a part of such love – awe-inspiring

I honor the one who has given me life

the mother the father the light

I honor the one who sustains my life

day in day out

touching my heart with a whisper of kindness

reminds me of the journey I walk

over fields through streams climbing mountains

my heart is alive with the wonder of possibilities

my days are filled with beautiful surprises

that come in a second and leave the most beautiful scent

the scent of contentment

it lingers it creates it believes

it just is

 

Blessitude

Lorrie

5/10/14

Do We Look That Different When We Are Wet?

Mister "Wet"
Mister “Wet”

 

Mister "Dry"
Mister “Dry”

Okay…I know…it’s shameful to use such a cute little guy just to get you to look at my post!  It is hard to believe that I have a new puppy!  Seriously, I am still in denial (kind of) and we have had him for 3 weeks!

I have been dying to write about him, but just like always, life can get in the way.  I got the puppy right before I had to travel up north to see my sister and her family because they are moving to the middle of the country, and I wonder if I will ever see them.

I was supposed to be in town for one day, but then my Dad almost died so I intentionally did not get on my friends plane, and that left us stranded in the north in ANOTHER snow storm.  Oh, and then there was that nasty business of finding out I was betrayed by someone (once again…she never disappoints) and a huge blow up with my partner.  But that’s all over now….whew…weathered the perfect storm much better than any other time in my life.

Then I sat down the beginning of this week to write about him.  I wanted to use the “wet” and “dry” photos and that prompted an unexpected writing that I posted earlier this week titled, “Cover Me With Love.”  It just came flying out of me, like many of my poems.  I just love when the divine powers take over and there is nothing you can, or would want to, do about it.

So here I sit and when I look at his photos, I find it so hard to believe he is the same doggie!  But he is.  Then I thought about the different “photos” we all have.  And yes, even though it is hard to believe we can be the same person, we are.

I have at times tried to run away from who I am, or who I was.  I am the same person, but with more understanding.  I have walked on a long road and I have learned many things.  I am grateful for the lessons I have been taught, and yes I am grateful for the person that I was at every stage of understanding.  If I deny who I was then how can I possibly rejoice in who I’ve become.

It is all part of a master plan that I have come to enjoy not knowing exactly what will be.  But I have full faith that whatever it is, it will be right.  So, I may not look the same when I am wet, but I love and honor who I am, who I was, and who I will be…which is the same person with more understanding.

Oh….and just to brag a little…Melo or Mister or Monkey Face or Corey or Puppy Wuppy ….is the best little doggie in the whole wide world.  He is so smart and so beautiful….you get my drift! 😉

Q: Where’s the pancreas? A: In your body

The long dirt road
The long dirt road

I just can’t help myself. Sometimes I am a merciless teaser!! My Mom, affectionately known as “The Momma,” asked where the pancreas is…the wise guy answer that came out of my mouth was “Inside the body…?” I proceeded to laugh my butt off I thought I was so funny.

But in reality, it is no laughing matter. I found out this week that my Dad has to have surgery to remove precancerous cells in his pancreas. He IS 85. He is NOT in the best of health. He IS back in my life after a decent sabbatical. He is NOT my best friend. He IS my dad.

We have had a difficult relationship for as long as I can remember. But part of my healing, a boulder sized part, was learning to forgive. And he probably won the prize for most mentioned in the category, with possibly a slight edge going to ME. It is close.

He called me, I presume to tell me about his surgery. I thought that notification should have come from my sister who promised, again for the 27th time, she would keep me informed. But the call came from him. It shouldn’t seem so strange. But he hasn’t called me in….well…like…never.

I know that I am a work in progress. I also know that everyday we face challenges that are learning opportunities. I made a conscious decision to reconnect with him, to have a relationship on whatever level was possible. And so far I have not been disappointed. It appears that maybe he is not either…he called ME!

Oh…and just to let you know I had another opportunity to tease The Momma. She constantly complains that the food they serve where she lives is “frozen” and therefore, it is terrible. We have had many a debate over this. We brought “frozen” chicken breasts stuffed with brie cheese and apples (super delicious!!!) to her house for dinner tonight.

They really were yummy and she exclaimed at how much she loved them. My plan was to tell her they were frozen and to snicker when she didn’t believe it. But, I just couldn’t do it. She liked it so much I wanted her to be able to have them again. So when she asked, “You made them?” I knew it was okay to say yes…it wasn’t a lie…I put them on the cookie sheet and put them in the oven!

Blessitude