I Don’t Have a Place For This

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As I unpack and establish order, each item placed just so, I hold this in my soul and I realize I Don’t Have a Place For This.

It’s something I buried years ago, under the landscape of my soul, beneath the light of day and terrified night, hidden so well I could not recognize it.

And it bubbled to the surface, bobbing to and fro. I banished it to the unclaimed luggage area because it didn’t look like mine.  But it wouldn’t go away.

And then the pain of my entire life time…the SOURCE of all things dark and separated that stacked atop one another building the wall of the well of my imprisoned soul, sat there and refused to go away until I picked it up and held it in my hands.

I turned it over…and over.

It didn’t feel right but there was a memory.  Vague at first, but building to a crescendo of shattered thoughts flying around the corners of my psyche that told me, yes indeed, this does belong to me.

And now I have it.  Uncovered in its black truth and ugly being and I struggle with the reality and as I continue to unpack and place things just so, I realize I Don’t Have a Place For This.

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

6/19/17

I Have a Question…

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Do you ever find that when you are “in the zone” spiritually, riding so high that you are connected to EVERYTHING and the love from your soul is shining, that you are suddenly attacked verbally for no good reason?

I know that my actions and reactions are the only thing I can control, but I have a really hard time controlling this.

This seems to contradict all I have learned about energy!

I am trying not to beat myself up for allowing my energy to go DOWN to match the attack, and trying not to be angry at the person who didn’t stop until I did.

I still have a lot to learn.

 

Hope that your energy is flying high and filled with LOVE!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

5/21/17

 

A Relapse of Lyme Disease ~ You Can’t Control Everything

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You can’t control everything…

CAN YOU?

I certainly tried through all these years.

And what I eventually found was that

I control NOTHING!

Well, nothing but what I decide to think.

So in essence, I can do

exactly what I did last time…

and we all know that insanity

So I wouldn’t expect a different outcome

or

I can decide to try something different.

But all I really want to do

is

cry.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

2/10/17

It is almost mind boggling how I try to repeat things I know will not help.  It is mainly the feeling of helplessness because I just don’t know how to handle my life day to day.  You think that you could get a bead on just how much activity was ‘enough’ activity, versus it being ‘way too much’ acitivity and it renders you bed bound for days.

I like to KNOW things.  I would like to have the secret recipe for what would make me feel better…or at least not make me feel worse.

I am struggling to let that all go, but it is hard.  I know I need to use my body but there is no magic formula for not doing too much.  Maybe anything is too much…

THE LINKS WILL BE ACTIVE AFTER EACH POST IS PUBLISHED.  ACTIVE LINKS WILL APPEAR IN RED.
  1. And I Thought I Was Done With That!
  2. I Already Fought This War
  3. Like a Ton of Bricks
  4. I Was Positive It Would Never Return
  5. You Can’t Control Everything
  6. Failure
  7. The List
  8. The Treatment
  9. I’m in The Happiest Place on Earth
  10. She Asked Me What It Feels Like
  11. Game On!
  12. A Pep Talk From An Angel

A Bag of Bones

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Her pain is so raw as she tries to hold on to the life she controlled with such precision.

For what is left when there is nothing left that she feels can be manipulated?

She lashes out and makes rude comments.

She tries to push me away as she wishes to show me the pain that is coursing through her veins.

She finds the one thing she controls, the one thing left in her existence that is under her rule, and she goes to town.

She is so proud.

Her plans are working just as she perceived them to and nobody has anything to do with it.

Ha Ha!  I’ll show them, she thinks in the mind that feels so all alone.

One by one they drop…

The pain is assuaged each time the number is read.

And she feels a brief moment of success, something she hasn’t felt for a long time.

One by one becomes a loss of about three pounds per week, and she smiles.

She feels so good about herself it is hard to take it away from her!

She brings it up willingly at every visit…because she is so proud.

And I am brought back to a time when I was proud.

When a glance in the mirror didn’t show the reflection of what I felt.

When my life was so out of my control that I, too, controlled the one thing that was left, and it scares me!

She won’t listen to reason.

I ask her, “What number do you have in mind?  What number will make you happy?”

With zero hesitation she blurts, “107!”

So my mind does the mental math and I think by Christmas she will be a bag of bones…

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/13/15

photo credit:  https://howtobeadad.com

Haiku ~ 6/1/15 & Coagulation

 

 

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Hard to express things

If I live in a bubble

Coagulation

Coagulation: the act of changing from a liquid into a thickened mass

Have I become a thickened mass?

Or is the clot that formed in my calf a warning…beware.

You are not allowing life to flow freely to you.

Allow.  Accept.

Everything that happens is meant to happen.

Every lesson you are offered is there for a reason.

Every step you take, even the steps with pain, take you closer to the realization of your soul.

It has been a trying time of late.  Many changes have occurred and I realize now that even though I have weathered the storms much better than I might have four years ago, I can still see that I have a propensity to try to control life.  I can almost act a bully as I hold on, squeeze, and try to reshape the events that appear like a lump of molding clay.

I have a preconceived notion of what life is “supposed” to look like, “supposed” to be.  When it doesn’t fit that mold I revert to the feelings of helplessness and fear and I somehow, mistakenly believe that I have the power to change things.

As I recuperate from my knee surgery and the subsequent blood clot in my calf, and the allergic reaction to the first blood thinner I was put on, my wish is to have patience (as a very dear friend reminded me 🙂 ) and grace, and to allow life to flow unimpeded…without coagulation…and to accept whatever appears next.

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

6/1/15

*The artwork is mine 😉

Making Waves

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It was the flattest, calm ocean I remember seeing in a very long time.  It was crystal clear and I could see fish swimming in the shallow edge.  The day was hot and humid, the mercury rising into the low 90’s.

The stillness was reflected in our mood as we walked and talked.  The beach was full of people walking, dogs jumping into the still waters, a fisherman or two casting lines in hopes of catching something big.

My girlfriend suddenly changed the topic to a very emotionally charged subject.  Before I knew it, we were both raising our voices, the prior reverie was broken.  It happened in an instant.  At the same moment I realized our energy had changed, I also noticed there were waves lapping at our feet.

I told my girlfriend, “Look at these waves.  We changed our energy and we changed the ocean!”

She said, “Don’t be silly.  A boat had to have gone by and made these waves.”  We both stopped and looked.  There was not a boat within miles of where we were standing.  And there was no movement in the ocean in any place other than right in front of us!!

I know.  It sounds a little crazy to think that we have the ability to “make waves.”  But I saw it with my own two eyes. 

The beach had been so serene.  The ocean and the beachgoers all shared a beautiful peaceful energy.  We disrupted that delicate balance with our energy and waves appeared…only in front of us.  Maybe it was a coincidence.  Maybe it was not.

Either way, it makes me think about how our energy can affect our environment and the people around us.  And it makes me want to work really hard every day to be aware of the energy I release to the world!

In these times of earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, and riots,  I send a healing prayer and beautiful white healing energy out to those souls who are in need.  I pray that we can band together and create peaceful waters.

P.S.  My Father’s biopsy was last week.  Much to the confusion of his doctors, and the delight of our family, the mass in his lung is NOT cancer!!  🙂 

The Momma is doing so well 🙂  She told me yesterday she had to hang up because she had to go to yoga!!!  God Bless her!! ❤

I am scheduled for knee surgery in two weeks 😦  I put off going to the doctor because I thought it was Lyme’s raising its ugly head, but it turns out I have a torn meniscus.  This is another bad effect of this disease…when something is wrong you automatically assume it is caused by the Lyme’s.  You are conditioned this way because of all the times you went to a doctor and were told they don’t know what is wrong with you 😦

No worries…I am working hard on my swimming strokes (instead of my tennis strokes) and I am working hard on my energy and positive thoughts…”I’ll be fine!”

❤ Lorrie 

Blessitude

5/7/15

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Oh…Little Girl

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Oh…Little Girl

So tiny…so frail

I see you hiding

Trying not to be seen

Trying to meld into the fabric

of the walls that surround your heart

So many things you’ve witnessed

Been privy to the monster workings of the world

Chaos all around you

You can’t make it stop

Yet you need to find a way to control it

Because you can FEEL it all

The energy rises up

and it’s real

It smacks you in the face

As a punch is delivered

Bones crack

His…yours

It doesn’t matter

For they are one

Oh…Little Girl

I can see how you tried to protect yourself

I can see the strategies you tried to employ

The things you did to try not to feel

The way you tried to numb yourself

Make the feeling stop

And when you couldn’t get relief that way

You thought you could control everything in your path

You could plan for every possible event

Head off trouble at the pass

Because if you could prevent the problems before they happened

You wouldn’t have to FEEL the resulting pain

Oh…Little Girl

I know how sad you can be at times

Because you failed

because you weren’t able to prevent the pain

and then once the pain ramped up and took hold of you

you weren’t able to handle the pain

SO YOU JUST SHUT DOWN

Oh…Little Girl

I don’t have all the answers

But I do know what the problem is

and they say that is the first step to freedom

Take my hand and be not afraid

Walk to the light

The light of love

Vibrate at the level of spirit

The spirit that resides in you

The spirit that bathes you in white light

It is going to be okay

You are going to be okay

I promise I won’t leave you

and I promise I will help you any way that you need help

Oh…Little Girl

Blessitude

Lorrie

10/19/14