What If You Don’t Know What You Really Want?

Darkness shades the sky

Steps in quiet solitude

She views the Kingdom

How terrible it is to finally feel the true strength of your personal power, and have absolutely no idea what you want to do with it!

It is not a new feeling for me to not really know what I want to do. I always had a nagging feeling that there was something I am “supposed” to do, but I just never knew what it was. I never feared that I couldn’t learn something, in fact, if I feared anything it was that I would STOP learning.

I went to college as an older adult and earned a master’s degree and my Certificate of Clinical Competence in Speech Language Pathology. Not many thought I could do it. My ex-husband told me I was crazy to put all my eggs in one basket (I applied to only one school.)

I was accepted, graduated summa cum laude, and divorced that man. 🙂

I didn’t work in the field long, before I was struck with acute symptoms of Lyme Disease and Babesiosis (a malaria-type tick born disease) and had to retire. I just recently let my certification be retired also, as I have no plans to go back in the field.

Many people think I was crazy to spend all that time and money on that degree…and then not use it. In the beginning I couldn’t use it, but now, I choose not to. The way I see it the defining point is not whether I used it, but that I earned it in the first place.

And that brings me to my current dilemma; I feel a yearning to become involved in something, and I don’t know what it is.

I thought that I wanted to write books. But being that I have about 7 books in various stages of completion (and ideas for 20 or so more) and I can’t quite finish even one of them, I am left to wonder if I REALLY want to write books.

I look back on my life and realize that some of my choices are questionable to others who sit in judgment. But the bottom line is THIS IS MY LIFE and I have lived it to the best of my ability at every stage, during every challenge, and I don’t really care if other people don’t agree with my choices. What may not make sense to others, makes perfect sense to me and I OWN MY CHOICES!

At a time when I feel so powerful; where I truly feel like I can do anything I want to do, I sit here and wonder: What do I really want to do?

And then a feeling of peace washes over me because I know whatever it is that I decide, I will make choices that are best for me…even if others do not understand them. And who knows…I just may finish one of those books!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

02/02/2020 (Gotta love this date!!)

P.S. My heart was hurt to hear that Mary Higgins Clark passed. What an incredible lady ❤ ❤

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My healing journey on the continuum of "It's all wrong" to "It's all right!" I love art and the creative process, reading, writing, and playing tennis.

35 thoughts on “What If You Don’t Know What You Really Want?

    1. Day to day living is great!! I, too, am immersed in it, Brad! 🙂 And sometimes it helps to forget the big picture and be in each moment. I just have this nagging feeling that I am missing something important that I should do.
      Who knows…maybe I will finish writing my books and other artistic projects. I just don’t feel like I want to be that involved with marketing and promoting. What good are books that no one reads? Maybe I will feel differently…
      Hope that on a day to day basis you are living in a really good space! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I’m with you, Lorrie. We always get tripped up in that marketing stuff. I don’t have a solution, but I have a coach I am working with for all the things. I’ll be graduating this year (by the end of it, but walking sooner—hopefully), and I’m proud of myself that I chose something this time (unlike my undergraduate degree in Anthropology) that can be useful all the time, no matter what, for friends and family (and I will get paid). I also love that it’s just the beginning, and I have so many irons in the fire, I’ll get there. I just have to breathe. Lorrie- I spent a lot of money on my first book – maybe a couple hundred dollars. I got a check for $47 this past year. 2019. Sure I spend far more than I received, but it was the book I needed to write that brought my daughter into my life. Also, I could finally “realize” my role as an author who published in 2017. I definitely want to put out another poetry book. At the time, I thought I’d just only publish that one book, ever. Now I am promoting my brother-and-law’s book. He’s already got an article in Forbes. Who knows what you will do with all your power: the power of the sun, and the power of the lion. Taking any ONE ☝️ step is of utmost importance. Love you, Ka

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    1. I love this response, Ka…and I love you got the secret reference of the lion and the sun…yes…I am Leo…hear me roar!! 😁
      Thanks for sharing your journey. I don’t know why I won’t finish my books. But I get what you said…and I’m pretty sure I will finish at least one this year…not with the hopes that it become a bestseller…but with the faith that it is a book that needed to be born of me.
      You know I started blogging because I went to a writer’s conference and the only real thing I learned was that you had to have a PLATFORM!! I started the blog and various other social media because of it…kicking and screaming! And I was so pleasantly surprised that I found a virtual home that is full of wonderful like- minded people who are loving and supportive.
      I started a new treatment and so far I FEEL SO GOOD!! I feel strong and capable. And I feel that silent voice that there is something on the horizon for me!
      I am so happy to share this journey with you…and I am proud of you!! All my best to you and yours…always!!
      💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I love you, Lorrie! It delights me to know you feel this way. That, in itself, is enough, to be your inspiration to share that new found “FEEL GOOD” maybe even a new book 📖 could be written… just pick one step and see where you are guided🙌🏻! Curious about your language and speech pathology degree and where you might still be of service there… you are a beautiful heart and I know you have made many, many contributions to others so far. 🤲

        I am a Leo ♌️ too! So…. let’s roar together! We got this 💪

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        1. I love you, too, Ka! I think I’ve known for a while that it is just something I have to do. But verbalizing it here and really thinking about it, I just need to finish one…and I bet the rest will come easy 😉 I think my thoughts confuse the Universe…I worry about what I should probably do to try to sell books…which keeps me from actually finishing them! So if I change my thinking to I just need to finish my books and not worry about what comes after…I will finish my books😉
          Thanks for thinking good thoughts about my degree…in my short time practicing I learned so much…and yes…I hope…helped many. The time I’ve been out has seen many changes and I am just not passionate about re-entering the field. I don’t regret one thing about it. I did well in a venture that was hard…it just wasn’t my life’s work.
          Of course you are a Leo 😁😁😁♌💜💜💜

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Whenever I feel this way Lorrie. I practice more stillness in nature and I always am led to the next step. It takes loads of focus and discipline to complete a book and so find the book you feel passionate about and want to share with the world! Anything is possible when we decide its possible ha!

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    1. I so appreciate your kind support, Karen 😊 And your words speak such truth…yes…the focus…and discipline are SO important…but so is the passion. You’ve given me much to ponder in few words and I am grateful!
      I hope you are well and that this new month brings happy things for you 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s challenging when you have so many interests and ideas, but something will rise to the surface. Like Ka, I put a lot of money into my book (more than a few hundred) and did the marketing in the beginning, but selling does not come naturally. Still, that book needed to be written. I’m still working on other books, but I’m not going to invest as much money into them, just time and love. Maybe you will choose one of the books you’ve started that is dear to your heart and move forward with it. But even if you choose not to, your “platform” shines light and love into the Universe. Nothing is wasted. Everything has meaning. Peace and love to you, Lorrie.

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    1. “So many interests and ideas”…yes, JoAnna, that is certainly a part of the problem (maybe problem is not the correct word…your word “challenge” is better 😉)
      Thank you for helping me switch the focus to MY reason for wanting to write the books in the first place! Of course we would all love for our books to be read and to make a bit of a living off them wouldn’t be bad. I just wonder if the fact that we don’t treat it like a business, leaves them destined to be “projects” that are necessary for us to express but that never become a vessel that many others can ‘drink’ from. Through the years I have watched people like you and Ka put your heart and soul (and money…let’s face it…it is not cheap) into your work. And even though we all have a wonderfully supportive “tribe” here and on various social media, it doesn’t translate into sales. It is a lot of work for one person to be the creative…the business person…the sales and marketing…the accountant…and so on and so on.
      Obviously, there is a lot of conflict here for me, and I know that where there is conflict there is not clear focus and manifesting is hard under those circumstances. Whenever I get like this I usually go back to the reason I need to do this in the first place which is I need to do this 😉
      Much live and many sweet blessings to you, my friend. And yes…everything matters 💜

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      1. I think one reason I don’t treat my writing and art as a full time business is that I worked very hard in my career for many years. I’m still writing and doing art, but there are other things to enjoy, too. I’m very thankful to have options. Thankful for you, too, Lorrie. ❤

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        1. And I take the lesson there in your words. I also worked hard from a young age…I think it becomes a habit! I am working on finding the balance…in all things really. I love Val’s “Middle Ground”…and as I spent many years with that pendulum swinging full force, I am learning to slow it down and dawdle in that nice space of slow movement.
          Go find miracles today!!
          💜

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I sit here stunned, Lorrie, because your life MIRRORS mine almost exactly. I too have a license that I worked very hard for but I no longer work nor will I in the field I went to college for. I have yet to let mine go however. I too graduated with honors. I too struggle with health problems. I too have a “feeling” there is more to my life then what I presently have. But what? That I don’t know. All I do know how important my camera is to me and thus I walk in FAITH that someday all the confusion will lift. I honestly cannot believe how your life has been so like mine. Wow!!

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    1. We must be twins separated at conception…hehe. I know, Amy! There have been so many times that we do this with each other it is almost uncanny! It is like we live almost the same life in different areas of the country…I wonder how many others of us there are???? It is mind boggling the similarities.
      Ok…so here is what I do know…and know for certain… We both have a message to tell. And I know you believe like I do that this message is from Divine Source. So we need to keep our hearts open and really listen. As for the day to day I think we both keep doing the things we love to do the things we are passionate about…and we continue to share love and light. And if the “big” thing enters our consciousness we will be READY!!!!
      Thank you dear friend. I love so much when we connect…but we are always connected! ❤ ❤

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      1. As you say, dear friend, I love when we do connect like this. I forgot to add …. I too am divorced presently on husband 2.
        At a place in my life that I’m no longer getting frazzled about “Well, what about the MORE?” It goes like this. WHEN it happens it happens. Meanwhile, I chop wood and carry water and do all that matters to me as much as I can.
        My “dreams” involve travel. But what with the violence and the Super Bugs and the fact I have so many allergies I cannot eat anything other then the diet I brilliantly created …. just with that, how do I eat when traveling? Yeah, little things like that. (smile) And yes NOW we both have a message to deliver which we do. I just follow my heart as I know you do as well.
        I could go on all night long. LOL Just know you do know someone whose life is so much like yours and both of us, YES, are ready for when the BIG arrives. I’ll leave you with a thought. Perhaps this BIG is actually manifesting now, only in small doses at a time and we don’t even realize it? I’ve often thought about that one. I don’t know about you, but sometimes things happen straight out of the blue that leave me saying oh WOW and just knowing that I just was given another step towards the BIG. (smile)
        Sending you BIG HUGS and so so much LOVE, Lorrie. (((HUGS))) xo

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        1. Of course there are more similarities 😊😊 I understand your travel restrictions. I used to want to travel the world…on a small level I still do. But we have such a beautiful country, I am content to keep the travels here. Your food requirements absolutely make it a challenge. One time I drove cross country and you wouldn’t believe what I was able to cook in a hotel room! A couple of hot plates added to the hotel microwave and voila!
          I am moving into my contentment about BEING and DOING what I am, and knowing that everything is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. I agree, the BIG is occurring…we just have to watch…and listen with our soul.
          So much love to you soul sister. 💜💜

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          1. I’m thinking traveling only in this country, Lorrie. I love Europe and wanted to return but it is such a long journey! IF it is meant to be, it will be.
            I took another step today in walking to my dreams. I am going to be writing about it soon. I was given a bread crumb last week and I picked it up and followed the other bread crumbs to what happened today. Exciting stuff!!! Much LOVE to you, Soul Sister!! xoxoxo

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  5. Great post! Quiet the mind and stay focused on the here and now. Listen to that little voice in your head and follow the “lead”. Just reading your post I gathered you have a penchant for writing. Follow that road and see where it leads…..as always one step at a time (I’m always trying to 2nd guess where that will take me, but I mess up the journey and true purpose of the journey tying to control and figure everything out).Just some thoughts! My best to you…have a great week!

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    1. Ah! Thanks, Kirt! Seems we both like to try to get involved…be in control! Ha! When I can be quiet I hear so much and those are the times that are so satisfying. I know…and have the strongest faith that I am where I am meant to be…and that I am led…always…by the voice of my soul which is connected to God. And maybe…when I have those feelings it just means that I need to connect more 😉 Thanks, Kirt. I hope you have a great week!

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  6. I could have written this post myself and signed my name to it and it would have been 100% accurate in every word, perception, feeling and more. You/this mirrored me my sweet Lorrie. Countless books started that I can’t sink my teeth into, a powerful knowing that there’s something I should be, need to be, am supposed to be doing, yet no idea what it is. I have a few visions and innate feelings of what I believe one of them are, but in the current moment and the few before those it’s not possible. A move is in order, of that I’m deeply certain and have been for quite a long while and the pull of it gets stronger each day. But as with the “what am I supposed to do,” the same questions arises, where am I supposed to move. Of course remaining in FL is at the top of my list, though I do so miss mountains and change of seasons, which we do actually have here in Central FL (change of seasons), but not mountains. I’ve considered heading back toward the Palm Beach County area, Delray area, further North from me – it still hasn’t come to me. It would be lovely if this mystery ended in me finding out that you’re my neighbor! Oh the fun, adventures, growing and energy we’d share and embrace onto others. In the moment we’re in, so much uncertainty – though imagination, dreams, desires and knowings never cease. Still, I read this with my mouth open all the way through thinking OMG she’s me. Connection from the start – connection for eternity. Abundant blessings Lorrie.

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    1. That feeling still haunts me, though I have been so busy doing what I need to do I have not thought much about what I want to do…or what I am supposed to do. Things sit in the periphery of my mind and surround my heart and I can almost touch it…and then it dissipates into the ether and I am left with the feeling that I MUST REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! It is the same with dreams that have plagued me at times…it is urgent that I must do something…sometimes it is a drug that I forgot to take…a drug that would heal me completely and I wake and it is right there where I can reach out my hand to touch it…and it dissolves…and I am left knowing that my salvation is once again just beyond my reach.
      UGH!
      I am sorry…and happy that you feel this way too…because I believe that we will both one day be aligned with the energy and all will be revealed.
      As for now, you just have to go with it!
      And as far as moving…I just moved. And let me tell you that it is a stressful thing even if it is a wonderful move (which mine is.) The one thing I realized is HOW MUCH STUFF I HAVE!!!! It truly felt like it was never going to end.
      I hope you will find the answers in your heart and that you will know exactly what it is you want to do. Just know that we are neighbors…no matter how far apart we may reside we are always in each other’s heart! ❤

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