Darkness shades the sky
Steps in quiet solitude
She views the Kingdom
How terrible it is to finally feel the true strength of your personal power, and have absolutely no idea what you want to do with it!
It is not a new feeling for me to not really know what I want to do. I always had a nagging feeling that there was something I am “supposed” to do, but I just never knew what it was. I never feared that I couldn’t learn something, in fact, if I feared anything it was that I would STOP learning.
I went to college as an older adult and earned a master’s degree and my Certificate of Clinical Competence in Speech Language Pathology. Not many thought I could do it. My ex-husband told me I was crazy to put all my eggs in one basket (I applied to only one school.)
I was accepted, graduated summa cum laude, and divorced that man. 🙂
I didn’t work in the field long, before I was struck with acute symptoms of Lyme Disease and Babesiosis (a malaria-type tick born disease) and had to retire. I just recently let my certification be retired also, as I have no plans to go back in the field.
Many people think I was crazy to spend all that time and money on that degree…and then not use it. In the beginning I couldn’t use it, but now, I choose not to. The way I see it the defining point is not whether I used it, but that I earned it in the first place.
And that brings me to my current dilemma; I feel a yearning to become involved in something, and I don’t know what it is.
I thought that I wanted to write books. But being that I have about 7 books in various stages of completion (and ideas for 20 or so more) and I can’t quite finish even one of them, I am left to wonder if I REALLY want to write books.
I look back on my life and realize that some of my choices are questionable to others who sit in judgment. But the bottom line is THIS IS MY LIFE and I have lived it to the best of my ability at every stage, during every challenge, and I don’t really care if other people don’t agree with my choices. What may not make sense to others, makes perfect sense to me and I OWN MY CHOICES!
At a time when I feel so powerful; where I truly feel like I can do anything I want to do, I sit here and wonder: What do I really want to do?
And then a feeling of peace washes over me because I know whatever it is that I decide, I will make choices that are best for me…even if others do not understand them. And who knows…I just may finish one of those books!
02/02/2020 (Gotta love this date!!)
P.S. My heart was hurt to hear that Mary Higgins Clark passed. What an incredible lady <3 <3