A Bag of Bones

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Her pain is so raw as she tries to hold on to the life she controlled with such precision.

For what is left when there is nothing left that she feels can be manipulated?

She lashes out and makes rude comments.

She tries to push me away as she wishes to show me the pain that is coursing through her veins.

She finds the one thing she controls, the one thing left in her existence that is under her rule, and she goes to town.

She is so proud.

Her plans are working just as she perceived them to and nobody has anything to do with it.

Ha Ha!  I’ll show them, she thinks in the mind that feels so all alone.

One by one they drop…

The pain is assuaged each time the number is read.

And she feels a brief moment of success, something she hasn’t felt for a long time.

One by one becomes a loss of about three pounds per week, and she smiles.

She feels so good about herself it is hard to take it away from her!

She brings it up willingly at every visit…because she is so proud.

And I am brought back to a time when I was proud.

When a glance in the mirror didn’t show the reflection of what I felt.

When my life was so out of my control that I, too, controlled the one thing that was left, and it scares me!

She won’t listen to reason.

I ask her, “What number do you have in mind?  What number will make you happy?”

With zero hesitation she blurts, “107!”

So my mind does the mental math and I think by Christmas she will be a bag of bones…

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/13/15

photo credit:  https://howtobeadad.com

48 thoughts on “A Bag of Bones

    1. Ah! Brad…I’m not likely to see 107 ever again…nor would I want to 😉 The poem is about my Mom who has decided her weight is the only thing she can control right now 😦
      I struggled with whether to post this, and then I thought my WP peeps are so amazing that they may have suggestions as to how I can help her.
      Have a super weekend, Brad!!! Hope all is going well!

      Liked by 3 people

        1. Brad…you are not completely off base. There was a time in my life, a finite era, that I had this kind of pain and I controlled the only thing I could…down to 89 pounds worth of control! I am grateful I was able to heal and that I never did that again!! I can write about it because I remember it like it was yesterday!

          Good luck with the sale!!! If I lived by you I would stop by! 😉 ♡♡

          Liked by 2 people

  1. Oh Lorrie. I am so grateful you posted this. I too wrote of my mother today — and she too has the same desire, to control the one thing she can, her weight. Like your mother — she feels she has little other control in her life and is proud of every pound lost — while at the same time, uses it as a symbol of how little she has to live for.

    I have come to ignore her comments, to allow her this ‘win’ while gently reminding her of how much weight she holds in our family and the value she brings to our circle. it is a constant juggle and a continual pain of sorrow.

    Much love to you and your mother dear Lorrie. My heart is with you.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh…Louise! You express the pain so beautifully and I see your struggle as my own. I love that you said, “reminding her of how much weight she holds in our family”…amazing insight to a problem that probably runs deeper than I realize. I send you and your family much compassion and healing…I am blown away by how similar our lives are, Louise! Blessitude ♡♡♡

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Julie…writing is wonderful therapy…not to mention the incredible support from beautiful souls like YOU!! 🙂 Thank you my friend. I hope you and your family have a magical weekend!!♡♡

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  2. You are so pure and lovely in your writing , expressing the beauty of soulfulness …thank you dear friend , for reminding me not to become frustrated with my own sister …love and hugs , megxxx

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  3. This felt a little enigmatic initially Lorrie, although upon a second reading became a little clearer – my own posts take five or six so you’re doing well! I assume this refers to a family member to who you have denied a former controlling tendency? H ❤

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    1. Ah!!! Hariod…brilliant 🙂 I did not look at it in this way but now that you mention it, I see another layer! This one is about my Mom…who has always been in control…even when there did not appear to be a way to be in control. She feels she has lost control of everything (and as you so astutely noticed, including me!) and has resorted to ‘controlling’ what she eats/does not eat which is resulting in great loss of weight. And she is proud of it. It is a tough one to deal with, as I know from experience…the more it is talked about/noticed…the more success she feels! I take on much of her energy, and at this time I need all of my available energy to deal with me. So I just don’t know how to help my incredibly shrinking Momma! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! 😉

      I hope that you are better than terrific and I see that you have a new post in my email…so I will be over soon!! Have a super weekend! ❤

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      1. My father was a controlling type Lorrie, and it pervaded all of his life – like a neurosis really. I felt no need to respond to it, nor to point it out to him, because it came from a very deep conditioning of his own, which was his wartime military training. In any case, I think it is not altogether unusual for parents to continue their controlling mechanisms over their offspring even when it is well past its ‘sell by’ date – and the offspring are even parents themselves perhaps, or at least, fully mature adults in their own right.

        Most of us try to control life in our particularly idiosyncratic ways I suppose, much as we might deny as much, and who are we to deny others the same? On the other hand, 107 lbs. sounds like a very low weight for a woman of average stature in her – dare I say – sixties? Perhaps it is a concern if she has an obsessive-compulsive personality?

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder

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        1. Wonderful points, Hariod! And I find it intriguing that you say, ‘I felt no need to respond to it, nor to point it out to him,” does this mean that he never tried to control you? Or that you just didn’t buy into it? Either way it is fascinating to me as I, myself, followed in my mother’s footsteps and tried to control everything in my life. It is such a paradox because I have since come to know that I truly controlled nothing! And I am learning to ‘let go’ and live in peace! So I wonder if you were able to escape the false sense of security that control bestows upon us?
          The Momma would simply love to hear you thought she was in her sixties!!! And I love it because by association it would mean I was in my 40’s! HeHe! She is actually 87…and I would say a bit OCD…and I am still not sure how much to interfere…other than buying new clothes for now because they are falling off her!! 🙂

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      2. My father used to exert a quite subtle form of control in adopting a position of assumed authority – he was an officer in the Royal Air Force here in England. It would come more in the form of mild disdain or disapproval rather than anything too overt. I actually think sibling rivalry was more pronounced an issue within my formative years, and I never felt emotionally hurt by my father’s ways of influencing (controlling) me. There came a critical moment – and it was very powerful – when I gently asserted myself before my father, and it was just in a very few matter-of-fact words which asserted my own autonomy on a minor matter. In that moment, there was a sea change, and my father realised I was an adult in my own right, that the hierarchy he had assumed was now redundant. It was not in any way a humiliation for him, simply a realisation, and I saw the impact in his eyes so very clearly.

        “I wonder if you were able to escape the false sense of security that control bestows upon us?” It may sound odd Lorrie, but there seems to be a far greater sense of security – better to say ‘freedom’ – in our relinquishing control over life, I find. When the little homunculus inside of us – the imaginary controlling agent – fades into obscurity, so too does the neurosis of it wanting to feel in control. It may come and go at first, yet upon each return diminishes in its power to harm emotionally. As ever, self-awareness is key, and simply noting when the neurotic self arises, noting also that ‘this is not what I am, this is not the self of me’, weakens the conditioned desire to control, which itself comes out of that imagined homunculus of selfhood. So it really is in escaping the tyranny of selfhood that security and freedom are sensed, I would say. H ❤

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        1. You would say and I would agree!! Yessss! Hariod…it is just one more paradox of life!
          I believe my need for control was born out of fear…my younger years were filled with much of it! I mistakenly believed if I could control much of my surroundings I could escape the fear. But it did not matter how many imaginary fights I prepared for, I never quite prepared for them all…and yet the need to control lived on. The real paradox is the one thing that I did have control of…I did not see!! But I do now, and I am making up for lost time…so to speak!
          Thank you my friend, I love to see inside you…love to read your words. Blessitude dear Hariod! ❤

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    1. Yes, Kim! A teenage girl in this day and age has so many messages that can make her self image go awry! I had my own issues in my teenage years…but I never expected it to be an issue in an 87 year old…shame on me! Just because we age does not mean we stop feeling!
      Hope you have a wonderful weekend! ❤

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  4. You know Lorrie, until today I still struggle with body control issues. I’m by no means fat, but I still want to be how I was 12 years ago. 12 years ago I was at the border underweight. I’ve never been anorexic, but I constantly struggle with food and body image issues. Oh the woes of modern living and media constantly preaching what beauty is.
    Bless you, dear friend.

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    1. Hi beautiful Staci! Apparently, if my Mom is any indication, we never stop struggling with our image! I know for me, when I was so sick it was because I had (or felt like I had) no control in my life…which is why I think I can understand what my Mom is going through. There are still many times I feel that way, but I have never allowed it to affect my health via weight loss (I can’t say it doesn’t affect my health in other ways!) We truly are bombarded with somewhat unrealistic body images through print and media. It is a shame that girls in the modeling/acting/etc. business feel the pressure to look a certain way, which in turn puts that look out to young impressionable girls.

      Well…here’s to feeling love and showing love and most importantly loving ourselves…no matter what the scale says!! I hope all is super in your world and that you have a wonderful weekend ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. Thank you so much Lorrie. Everything is fine in my world, thanks. However, I’m not sleeping enough and that’s taking a bit of a toll on me.
        Have a wonderful week, my friend.
        🙂 ❤

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  5. Deeply moving Lorrie. I feel the emotions here and the desperation. It is so hard when the mind gets myopic and the focus laser like and destructive. There is so much pain and fallout around them in their oblivious self obsession…
    Its an amazing piece to write. May it help you remain centered and courageous .
    Sending you a ((hug))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Val…thanks! Your response makes me know you get it…you feel it! I thank you for the incredible support, and yes, this kind of writing always help me. There is so much to explore…so many lessons to learn. I feel I am in a accelerated time of growth…and the growth can be very painful at times…but the knowledge is incredibly freeing!
      I pray that all is well with you and that you, too, are learning what you need to learn from the obstacles that present in your life. Much love and many blessings to you, Val ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I always tell myself and others “growth never happens in the comfortable.” It’s still so hard when are experiencing it and facing things we may not have realized before!
        Relationships with controlling mothers are complex and painful because we love them so. I have come a long way with my mother, and most of the “work” was when I was going thought my own personal growth and transition. It wasn’t easy, yet I came to find peace of mind. May you find yours too Lorrie ❤️

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        1. Yes, Val I agree with you wholeheartedly! It is all good…or should I say it just all IS. I get into trouble when I assign GOOD or BAD…because in the end…it just all IS…and I learn from it all. Blessitude, dear Val! ❤ Thank you!

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  6. Awww, Lorrie, I loved this, and it resonated with me on how I can often tread the fine line between determination and support. Perseverance is a strength and so is reaching out. You’ve illuminated this very powerfully. Love, Harlon

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    1. Hi Harlon! Thank you my friend! Treading that fine line is perhaps what life is really about…eh? I find the answers to everything really do exist inside us, Harlon. I know when one foot steps out of bounds by the energy from my soul. What amazes me is that I PFEFER to walk the straight line, but so often find myself in places with no realization as to how it happened!!
      Thank you for always being there. I hope it is not too cold for you yet. It has still been in the 90’s here…but I got a taste of the semi-cold with an impromptu trip up north! I prefer the 90’s!!!!
      ❤ ❤

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  7. The need to control. Ah yes, and anorexia really feeds this need. I like what Louise said, “reminding her of how much weight she holds in our family.” At 87, the control issue of weight probably can’t be addressed, but it is a good reminder for you and for lots of people to look at how and why we need to control things. I did the weight thing for a while too in my late 20s early 30s. It felt good to be able to control that. Part of it was a physical illness, but the weight loss part felt good to me, though I was way too thin. I liked feeling like I was controlling it.
    Blessings, love and light in taking care of your mom. Sounds very hard.
    Mary

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    1. Hi Mary! Ah! Control….yes…I could write several books on this topic! The very sad thing about control is most people don’t realize the REAL control that they do have in their lives…and are constantly searching and trying to control events and people. I’m sorry to hear about an illness in your past…will send hopeful thoughts that it is a thing of the past. But believe me, I understand the weight thing! And I hate to make generalized comments…hate to put it out in the universe…but it gets harder and harder to stay at “happy” weight the older I get!
      I hope you have a wonderful Sunday filled with happy things! ❤

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  8. My father is 84 and has been losing weight over the past year so that his clothes are almost falling off of him. I wonder if this is part of aging for some people. But there is clearly the issue of control with your mother. Maybe there is some of that with my x marine father, too. And of course I picked some of those traits in my thirties when I flirted with anorexia, eating less and less to the point of no longer having an appetite. Then I got pregnant and gave up control… for a while. I agree with Mary, that there is probably little you can do for some one who is 87, except pray for her, which I will do, too. But the part of me who doesn’t want to surrender wonders what helped you to surrender with your food/control issues. Love and Prayers to you and your mother, sweet Lorrie.

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    1. Oh…JoAnna…I’m sorry to hear of your Dad…and yes…if you have the feeling that there could be a little bit of control issues there…then I would say you are probably correct. It is always that little thought…or feeling that alerts us to an issue. For me, I feel it in my heart area and when I connect with those messages life is much smoother. When I ignore them or force the feelings away…I always get to the resolution…but it is a much more difficult journey!
      I am still on the journey of “surrender” JoAnna. This may be a life long mission 😉 As for the weight/food issue…I come from a family that is very judgmental about how you look…and they still to this day will ALWAYS make a comment about whether you are too fat…or too thin! I don’t think I ever heard that “you look just right!” I eloped when I was 18 and got pregnant 3 months later. I ignored the pregnancy for the first 5 months and then I gained 80 pounds. I was so uncomfortable…and scared. I knew I made a mistake getting married…and I didn’t know how to be a mom. One of my sisters made fun of how fat I was and said I wouldn’t be able to wear a bikini that summer. After my son was born I went from 189 lbs. down to 89 lbs. in 2.5 months!! I was very sick. My hair was falling out in clumps and I could barely get out of bed. My son saved my life because I realized that I wanted to be more for him than what I had had as role models. Coming up on 35 years later, I’m not sure I was as good as I wanted to be, but my son and I have a wonderful relationship that is open and honest! I think self care and self love is at the root of my body issues…weight/health/injuries. And I work on this EVERY DAY!!
      Much love to you dear soul…I am always here for you!! I hope your Sunday is full of Blessitude!!! ❤ ❤

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  9. Hello Lorrie,

    What struck me the most of this piece was your “seeing” of your mother, and your own awareness of the inner conflict between supporting the “one” within your mother who is proud of her accomplishment, and supporting the “one” within your mother who is responding to a pain, due to loss of control, that need not be so. We sense and see in others that we know well, how responses to pain limit their peace and happiness, and the ability to help them can seem so near and so far from our grasp at the very same time. There is something beautiful about being able to see through all of the pain and reaction to the living potential in each being– that space that no matter how latent it may seem in the moment is the underwriter of all that occurs…

    Sending love and support–
    Michael

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    1. You are a very dear soul, my friend!! Yes…you see that connection…that place where I can recognize the emotions in my Mom because I had been there and I had felt them…and the one that was proud of the accomplishment is no less worthy of love than the one who tried to control everything. We are all the same…we are all one…and the things we think and feel and the experiences we go through are all the same! It is this sameness that speaks to me lately and I believe we truly can make a difference if we recognize this as opposed to trying everything we can to separate each other into categories…into believing that we are different…perhaps special. These emotions are very strong in me right now and I SEE things WHOLE!!
      Much love to you my friend…your soul resonates a very clear energy of love! ❤ ❤

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  10. I was reading this and since I don’t measure anything in pounds, I use kilograms as every European, so I didn’t understand it at first. Well, it’s good your mom controls her weight. My mom is 85, and she always makes up her face and does hair, so on. I love when people want to look nice. Thankfully, our family never had to control weight, I think that’s because we were mostly eating what we were growing and once one gets into that habit, they don’t have cravings for sweets or soft drinks, it’s just naturally fairly good food. We never were and are eating out, and I always cook my meals because I have to keep myself in as good shape as possible with all disasters after that accident.
    You know, struggling with weight has its problems, and having the same weight for 36 years has its problems. I have very many outfits, they are all fine and I have decided not to sew or buy too many new clothes because my weight or size hasn’t changed since I was 21. I was a bit skinny here and there because I simply couldn’t earn any money back there sometimes, so there were days without any food at all. Other than that I think it’s great to maintain a healthy weight, and your mom must be a very energetic woman.
    We are literally what we eat, so it’s too bad the food producers have made sick the entire North America and they still manage to make money from selling cures for weight loss, so, yes, I think growing our own food is the best we can do. Even when it’s just herbs or greens.

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    1. Ah! Inese…you bring up so many true statements! I agree with you totally…our food sources create disease and obesity…and it is better to control weight than to be overweight. You have the right idea…we can only truly be sure about what we put in our bodies if we grow it ourselves!! Since many can not do this they are held captive by the processed foods we buy at supermarkets…and worse…fast food!!
      I am certain that you, like your Mom, always look nice…no matter how old your clothes may be 😉 Many blessings to you dear friend!! Thank you for stopping by 🙂 ♡

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