I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Another Inch…perhaps a mile

This post is a part of a series of writings during a time of deep healing and transformation.  The following are links to the other writings in the series in chronological order:  Introduction & Haiku, The Funny Thing About Truth, The Journey To…, He Said I Have Anger, The Long Sleepless Night, Broken Arrow, Safe, Alone, On The Verge, Shred, The Thread, Vindication, Another Inch…Perhaps a Mile, Emancipation, Forgiveness

*Disclaimer:  Some of this subject matter is sensitive in nature.  Please read and explore in safety.

 

 077

I didn’t want to be seen

I didn’t want to be known

Stand against the wall

Become a flower

It is safer to hide

Safer to swallow the truth

Don’t leave any remnants

Hungry birds come to collect them

If I can’t see what happened to me

Then I certainly don’t want anyone else to see it

But they did see it

And they said nothing

They left me to fend for myself in a maze of vile putrefication

The only way to handle the gross violation was to pretend it wasn’t there

And the only way to pretend it wasn’t there was to pretend to sleep

And the only way to pretend to sleep was to try really really hard to sleep

If I could trick my mind into sleeping so soundly that a bomb couldn’t wake me

Then I could actually get up in the morning

And not shrink into the paneling

Or become a velvet flower of the wall paper

You tried to talk to me once

You were a new man

You needed to “come clean”

You needed to get it off your chest

You created such an explosion of fear

I couldn’t breath

No no no! My words stuck under the heavy carpet of truth

I couldn’t speak

I couldn’t hear it

I couldn’t face it

I couldn’t remember it

No!

No!

Not then

 

So I ran

I ran out of the trailer

And out of your life

But I ran out of my life too

And it wasn’t right

And it didn’t feel fair

And I was angry

And I was mean

And I was sick

And I did everything I could do to numb my mind

To stifle my soul

To protect my essence

But there was no protection

I was the one who decided

That I was worthless

And I was the one who decided

That I needed to be punished

I was born bad

Why else would this happen to me

I must have deserved it

I must have wanted it

He told me I asked for it

I must have made him do it

How terrible that I would ruin someone else’s life

By making them a part of my sickness

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

4/3/15

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My healing journey on the continuum of "It's all wrong" to "It's all right!" I love art and the creative process, reading, writing, and playing tennis.

36 thoughts on “I Remember…An Odyssey ~ Another Inch…perhaps a mile

  1. Oh, Lorrie.. I am always amazed when someone puts it “all” out there. Such power exists when we do this. I know such words do not lessen your pain in any way, but we are all profoundly healed when someone speaks her truth.

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    1. Oh…but they do lessen my pain! I am so grateful for the loving support I have received here Kim! And I pray that what you say is true ….I pray that the healing energy reaches out and promotes more healing. Thank you for being here ♡

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  2. So heart breaking sweet Lorrie…keep on writing and healing dear friend. You are so special and your writing is so powerful. Sending you much love and many hugs…blessings dear Lorrie

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    1. Thank you Maggie ♡ I so love to read your comments, you always leave me with a huge smile on my face 🙂 I am doing really well and I heal a little more every day. Much love to you and Shug …have a very happy Easter ♡♡

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  3. I’m right here with you. Also I am sending love to little Lorrie who thought she was bad, sending this clear message back in time to the younger you: You are not bad. He was very wrong. You are beautiful and strong, and YOU ARE GOOD. I know it’s hard to feel that way right now, but some day, you will know this. Some day you will claim your strength. You will grow wise, and you will grow to love yourself. You are deeply loved, now and forever.

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    1. Your words are very soothing to me (and little Lorrie 😉 ) JoAnne! Thank you for your honest support. And you nailed it with the self love concept. I have been working very hard in this area for a few years and it is probably the most basic place to start in the healing process. I want you to know that I am ok…I really am. It has been years since my mind first started to give me clues. Then I spent my time in the weird place of thinking I was so terrible for even considering such a thing! That stage lasted a long time and I was very willing to continue to punish myself….in many ways! What happened very recently was the puzzle pieces all fit together. And I can only assume that my psyche allowed it now because I AM READY! I can handle it…and I can forgive. It has been an amazing time in my life! I am so grateful to you and I send you so much love ♡♡ Have a beautiful Easter JoAnne, and thank you 🙂

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  4. …better to be a bottle of spilled perfume than a plastic flower, eventually discarded. The aroma of your life, sinking – seemingly forgotten, into the fertile earth – reaches up into the heavens…where Love offers you a Resurrection name…

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    1. This is so beautiful!! I thank you, I truly do. I read my post again just now after a family wedding yesterday…and I am so grateful for my healing. Welcome…may your day be filled with many blessings ♡

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