understanding comes in an instant
a flash of light upon the heart
that opens every cell
to the remembrance of love
I am in the middle of a very disturbing event in my life. It has resurrected every insecurity I have ever felt. I am being terrorized by a BULLY…someone I am related to. He is a frightening personality and I am in a position where I have to stand up to him in order to protect someone I promised to take care of.
I tried to ignore him at first…but the fear of what he was up to was more than I could handle so I spoke to him. The visceral reaction from his threats and ranting and raving rocks the very foundation of my soul!
My Lyme’s disease is an opportunistic invader…I can feel the spirochetes jumping for joy that my defenses are down. They are having a party inside with swords and knives.
And in a moment I realized that staying away from my beautiful friends and their incredible support was exactly what the bully wanted…needed in fact!
I felt all the old patterns of abuse…the soul and the body remember. I realized that allowing him to beat me down with his verbal insults and the sheer terror of his antics pushed me further away from the power of love and left me in the bowels of fear.
And, mistakenly, I thought I couldn’t bring that energy here to my blog. No, I reacted the same way I always did growing up in my family. Pretend. Pretend everything is fine. And, if I can’t pretend (because that is very hard for me) then withdraw. Don’t let anyone see the pain.
Is it embarrassment? I don’t know. Is it I think I deserve to be abused? I don’t know. Maybe the child who cowered in fear learned that…but the woman who has worked so hard to climb out of the dungeons does not! No…I believe in the power of love and I know where there is love there can not be fear.
So here I am my friends. Yes…a bully is trying to steal my power. I pray for him (I always have.) And I pray for myself to stay in love surrounded by my friends who offer such incredible support…Thank you all!!! I am Blessitude!!