A Walk in My New Life

Periwinkle-Rose-Moms-Favorite-Color

How do you get over the death of a parent?

I wasn’t sure when, or even if, I would share this. The pain of losing my mom, “The Momma,” has been unlike any other in my life.

There…I shared it.

*

It’s a new life

Everything is different

I feel different

Upon examination

I see the physical changes

But nothing compares to the

Layers of changes in my emotional landscape

It feels strange to be able to just pick up and leave last minute

It feels strange to just go to bed without first doing my nightly check

It feels strange to just walk past the door…and never have to enter

There is a piece of my soul that cries me to sleep every night

There is a piece of my mind that tries to change some of what transpired

And there is a piece of my heart

THAT LEFT WITH YOU!

Blessitude

Lorrie ❤

1/20/2019

I’m not okay.

There is so much to process about what happened in the last two years since I became my Mom’s full-time caretaker.

So much of it was beautiful and I am full of Blessitude that I had the opportunity to do this.

She lived in the condo directly next door to me, thanks to a dear friend who made it possible. I was close enough and yet we both still had our own personal space. It was the perfect set up!

She was 90 years, 6 months, and 15 days old when she passed on December 12th.

I’M NOT OKAY!!

I spend the majority of my days talking myself into being okay. It’s the circle of life…blah blah blah.

There’s so much to do. The last chapter; the ending of a life requires great care by the person who was entrusted to handle those wishes.

I have collected a pool of tears, and I have been paralyzed at times. But most of all, I am honored.

They say if you only prayed this one prayer, “Thank You,” it would be enough.

“THANK YOU!”

 

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My healing journey on the continuum of "It's all wrong" to "It's all right!" I love art and the creative process, reading, writing, and playing tennis.

49 thoughts on “A Walk in My New Life

  1. Oh geeze …..Lorrie, how I feel your pain for it is so closely associated with mine. I realized just the other day I have yet to fully process my Mom’s death which was in Sept. of 2017. All I can say is to honor yourself and your emotions ….. Know just know that the Love between you and she will not ever be broken but it is forevermore. BIG (((HUGS)))!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you beautiful Amy! I hope you know that every word you wrote to me is for you also! Isn’t it funny how we can have such parallel lives? I appreciate you. And I send all kinds of good thoughts and energy to you. I love your shots in todays post…just love how your mind sees things and then the camera is able to capture!!!
      Much love to you, friend. Thank you, as always, for your love and support! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah! Michael. The blanks…yes…the blanks. Your words have a profound effect on my soul…as I can literally feel the energy across the miles. I was so blessed to be able to be a part of my Mom’s life. I miss her…dearly.

      Thank you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You did you best
    You did what you had to do
    Beeing your mom’s mom
    What an unnutural mission!
    But you did it!
    Because you are a beeing of light
    And if you pay attention
    To the silence of a empty room
    You’ll certainly hear
    Sweet and simple words
    “thank you”
    “thank you”
    From your Mom!
    ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

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    1. Ah! My dearest!!
      I can’t see because the tears are flooding my eyes! You know, of course you know, that I go over to the condo and sit in her chair…and it is silent!! The next time I am there I will listen for her words.
      She came to me in a dream the other night…she was much younger and dressed in an outfit I loved. She stayed for about an hour and we did not talk much…but so much was said!
      Thank you for your beautiful soul ❤ ❤

      Like

  3. It’s really hard and I can imagine the pain. Last year in April, I lost my mother and since then my life is totally different. I get wake up tired with no proper sleep, I can lost suddenly in my own world and I don’t even realise the change in my mood that happens within seconds. Life is tough without her and her sudden demise has instilled a fear within me of losing my dear ones anytime.

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    1. Oh, my friend…I am so sorry for your loss and for the grief you are experiencing. There is no set pattern for the way grief can affect a person. We each experience it in our own way. The one thing I read in your words that I wish you could change is the “fear” of losing your loved ones. That kind of fear can choke you and make you miss the time that you have with them in the now. Do you know what I mean? I latched on to the first person I ever felt real love from…and I lived in the fear that something would happen to taken them away from me. The anxiety level was off the charts and to be honest it interfered with the relationship. I have taught myself to move those thoughts quickly to love…and gratitude…right in that moment! It helps.

      I truly send you love and comfort…we (most) will experience this kind of loss. Doesn’t make it easier…but I am certain your Mom lives in your heart and therefore IS ALWAYS WITH YOU💜💜

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  4. You are in my prayers. Only time softens the pain, but never eliminates it. When the demands of a caretaker are suddenly gone, it leaves you with an emptiness. With the loss of a parent, you are left with the same thing….almost a double whammy. Faith and time will heal the sharpness of the loss, but never remove it. Celebrate the fact you were able to care for her and celebrate the love and life she shared with you! Have a blessed week.

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    1. Kirt, thank you so much. Your words touched my heart. Such truth. Yes, time will soften the edges. Mostly, I am okay. I truly have such gratitude that I was able to do it. And what you said about the demands of being the caregiver suddenly stopping…ugh!
      I am grateful for your caring spirit…thanks for taking the time to offer comfort 💜

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Barbara! Grief like this seems to have a life and a mind of its own! I appreciate your heartfelt comment. I can feel my Mom is with me…in fact she came in a dream the other night…and ahe was so beautiful!!!
      Sweet blessings💜☀️🌻

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Lorrie, I’m so sorry about the loss of your beloved Mom. Caring for her like that at the end of her life is so bittersweet. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable emotions in such a beautiful, poetic way. You are so inspiring. Sending hugs and comfort to you in your time of grief. Love and light, Roxanne 🙏💖

    Like

    1. Awww….thank you so much Roxanne💜 I am so grateful that I got to be there to help her…and I am so grateful for your kind soul. I feel your emotions and it touches me…thank you!!
      Sweet Blessings to you…I hope that life is full of fun and wonderful things for you☀️💜🌻😁

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Carol. My Mom was an incredible woman and I really miss her. It felt right to share. She was so funny…whenever she would do something silly she would say, “I bet that’s going to make it in the book!”
      Thanks for sending your love and comfort 💜

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Dearest Lorrie, indeed to be there at the end of a life, when they gifted you your life is indeed a privilege and honour. The void of their passing is filled in with time as you begin to walk in your new life without her.. She is always walking with you Lorrie in Spirit my friend..
    Love and well wishes for your New walk in the NEW year.. ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Hi Sue 💜 It was so complicated. And I have a lot to process…but I am full of Blessitude that I had the opportunity because it was amazing. And I am so grateful for the support we had…and support from the universe! I had a story that I was never supported and to be able to change that story…and revel in the new energy and knowledge that I receive everything I need when I need it, is powerful!
      Thank you, Sue. I’m so happy I am on this journey with you 💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I am even happier you are understanding more fully your journey Lorrie.. It takes time to keep shedding, and pulling towards yourself the love of deserving.. We are all works in progress, fine tuning who we are as we begin to open up and remember just WHO we are, and wake up to what we have been doing to ourselves..
        Much LOVE ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh, yes, Sue!! I am waking…and the most beautiful part right now is I am not punishing myself for how long it has taken…I am in loving energy and I know that the timing is perfect!
          Sending love and agreement…lots of hugs!

          Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry you are going through this. Grief is a strange thing with a life of it’s own as you wrote. The waves of grief come in all sizes. They knock me down sometimes when I didn’t expect them to. But they have gotten smaller and further apart over time leaving peace or little ripples that caressed me or made me laugh. I loved reading about your mother’s sense of humor. I’m glad you had such a perfect arrangement being next door. Feel the sadness and other emotions as you are ready. Feel her spirit loving you always. I feel her gratitude for your love and care coming through right now. Remember the good times. Ride the waves. They will come and go, but love remains. I’m sending you lots of love and prayers and big hugs. Peace my friend. ❤

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    1. Tears! Tears of joy and gratitude…thank you JoAnna💜 I believe what you say. Mom came to me in a dream the other night and she stayed for an hour! She was so beautiful…dressed in one if my favorite outfits…and we talked in the beginning, but then she just stayed while other dreams took over. I felt it so strongly, and I believe it was her way of telling me she is with me…watching over me!
      Ugh! More tears!!
      Sweet blessings, my friend. We are loved! 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Nothing could prepare me for the death of my Mom. We were very close. After her stroke, it was a lot of work, but I wouldn’t give up that time for anything. Those months were a blessing before her final departure. When her spirit left her body, there was a lot to do concerning her affairs. Grieving came at spurts and in great deluges at times.I remember the pain and can relate to your writings. Thank you for sharing your experience, as it will be helpful to your healing and others. As you walk this journey, know you are not alone, Lorrie. There are many soul brother and sisters sending you love and light, including me. xx

    Like

    1. Oh, Lisa💜💜 Thank you so much for sharing. I can so relate…in fact was just discussing with a friend that no matter how hard it was, it was the BEST thing I have ever done in my life! So I hear you…I wouldn’t give up that time either. I go in and out of full on, heart-wrenching grief, but I also feel a major life transition…a freedom…certainly a time freedom. I “officially” give up her condo TODAY. That has been a symbol looming on the horizon, that I have been dreading, but also know I HAVE to move on.
      I send you so much “knowin” love to comfort you because I know no matter much time has passed it doesn’t change the hole in your heart.
      I appreciate your love and compassion.💜
      Have a blessed weekend☀️🌻

      Liked by 1 person

  9. what a wonderful read… as i wandered through your thoughts, i wondered if i will write as you have of your of your mom…. i have been my mom’s full-time caregiver for going on five years…i have learned alot, i know i am blessed to have this time, and i am grateful for all she shares with me of her life and her growing up to where she is now
    Thank you for sharing your journey….it is a great window into who you are
    Take Care…You Matter…
    Blessings
    mary

    Like

    1. Oh, Mary…Thank you!! I am so grateful that you shared and I just want to tell you that you will never regret being there for your Mom! I, too, learned so much and I was not perfect all the time…I have some small regrets over how I handled some things, but for the most part I am so full of gratitude to have that time!!!
      I hope you do write about your experiences. I never know from day to day what I will share here…it is always gut feeling when I do post so I just go with it.
      Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your comment 🙂 Many sweet blessings to you and your Mom…relish every moment!

      Like

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