My heart is broken
for it feels nothing
So many years and you were important
more that you weren’t
Years gone by with nary a thought of you
not even a glimpse into your world
I left when I left because I had to protect my baby
and in reality I had to protect myself too
I knew in my heart that we couldn’t exist in the same world
we weren’t alike and we were driving too fast in opposite directions
pull up the emergency brake and the car spins around
out of control
leaves rubber on the road
leaves scars on my heart
that though healed now
were very real at the time
Is the pain buried so deep that you don’t exist at all?
I’m not sure, but I think I should probably feel something
Two weeks they say
so that makes any action urgent
I evaluate whether forgiveness is necessary
and I can’t be sure if there is any pain that needs to be released
Touch my arm
with a piece of metal that was being shaved on a lathe
never thought you would actually do it
arm burnt and blistering
curses from my mouth
there are scars
some are visible
others on my psyche
Jump out of a one and half story window
to get away from the beating
but it happened anyway
on the front lawn
call for help
betrayed by another
never make a man angry enough to want to hit you
There was never respect or loyalty
the lies were the only true constant
It wasn’t a surprise when I knew that I could never grow old with you
could never grow
I think I have now talked myself into feeling something
but in truth it’s not anything I want to feel
not anything that fits into my heart where I am now
I offer you peace as you make your journey home
I wish for you to find the miracle inside you
I hope you are surrounded in love
I forgive you for everything we shared
for I know you did the best you could do at that time with what you had in your heart
I hope you have more now some 30 years later
And I also forgive myself because I knew better back then
but chose to ignore it
so my hands are not clean in the fabric of our life together
May peace be with you
May you pass with love
9 thoughts on “Ode to an Ex”
Oh, Lorrie, sweet Lorrie! You have such a beautiful heart! That you can forgive such an act of violence and disrespect says so much about your beautiful beautiful soul. It is a very powerful thing to do, and I am in awe of you. You have managed to look beyond the exterior and see that this man too is a child of God and comes from the same source as you. That takes a lot of Love, true, divine Love. You are extraordinary Lorrie! Your poem will, I think, help many women in similar positions, and it will give them strenght. You really are becoming a healer! For I personally think, that in order to become a true healer, we must not carry bitternes in our hearts, but forgive all, release and let go, and fill that emptyness with Light and Love from heaven. Thank you beautiful Lorrie for being who you are, and for shining your light so brightly! Lots of Love to you my sweet soul-sister!
You make my light shine brighter…you magnify all that is good…not just with me…but for all you touch….Thank you dear Line! I must admit that my time with that man (boy…we were so young) was very destructive…I was lucky to get out alive. But my beautiful son was born of that…and there are not words I could use to tell you what he means to me 🙂
I truly am blessed and full of gratitude….Blessitude…for I can see we are all part of the same spirit…and I can have forgiveness pave the way for love!
Thank you for seeing me dearest Line 🙂
Lorrie, this is beautiful. It takes so much to forgive one who has wronged us, especially where abuse has occurred…where a life and a child has been shared. I know this is difficult as I am trying to reach a level of “love and compassion” for my “ex” in a miserable past relationship!
Good for you to set this example, and more importantly, to have found this place in your heart…
The True Light
Thank you…you know…I usually go back and read my post when someone comments on an older one. I couldn’t read this one…because even though I had forgiven my ex…I didn’t feel (as I think my post stated) as much as I thought maybe I should have at his death…but just reading the title post I choked up just now…so maybe I have some grieving to do. It is not always the easiest thing in the world to do…forgive someone who really hurt you…but I can tell you that it is oh…so freeing!! I would never have healed to the extent that I did had I not done much work forgiving <3. Much love to you…and I will say a prayer that you too can be freed by forgiveness! !
Lorrie, I think I understand what you are saying here. You may have thought your forgiveness was a bit incomplete or superficial because you weren’t as moved as you thought you should be at the news of his death.
Please…don’t do that to yourself! We can forgive completely, but we may lose some emotional connection with an “ex” as time goes on. That’s as natural as can be…as human as can be.
It doesn’t mean we haven’t done our duty on a spiritual level, it just means we don’t have that connection with the person on a human level any longer. And perhaps we shouldn’t, especially if there was abuse involved!
God has many ways in which He will act to ease our pains and provide peace and healing. Maybe this was an indication that He has done this with you and your “ex.”
In any case, don’t question yourself nor this matter any further. It is done and a closed matter in your life…
May God love those who love and give so much. And you are one of them, Lorrie!
The True Light
Thank you! What awesome words that have given me such comfort…I so appreciate your take on this. It is a very strange feeling…When you are not sure what you are “supposed” to feel. I eventually get to the place where I realize that whatever I feel is what I am “supposed” to feel! I think because it wasn’t maybe what I expected from me…that maybe it’s not completely authentic. Anyway, I thank you so much…you are so loving!! <3 <3
Ahh, see! I thought you were being too harsh with yourself and your emotions!
Relax, Lorrie in the thought that the Lord is guiding you. When that is the case, you are assured that what you think and feel is “perfect” in heart because you are in the hands of our Perfect Father.
You are a very special person, and it shows in what you say and do! This is as it should be…
Thank you so much…your support is so uplifting. I am very grateful for our connection. Have a super blessed day! <3
Me too! I think we “think alike” in a number of ways. It’s always nice to meet someone like that. You have a great day yourself, it’s about “quitting time” out here.
Hope to see you tomorrow…