Ode to an Ex

Stone
Stone

My heart is broken

for it feels nothing

So many years and you were important

more that you weren’t

Years gone by with nary a thought of you

not even a glimpse into your world

a curiosity

I left when I left because I had to protect my baby

and in reality I had to protect myself too

I knew in my heart that we couldn’t exist in the same world

we weren’t alike and we were driving too fast in opposite directions

pull up the emergency brake and the car spins around

out of control

leaves rubber on the road

leaves scars on my heart

that though healed now

were very real at the time

Is the pain buried so deep that you don’t exist at all?

I’m not sure, but I think I should probably feel something

Two weeks they say

so that makes any action urgent

I evaluate whether forgiveness is necessary

and I can’t be sure if there is any pain that needs to be released

Touch my arm

with a piece of metal that was being shaved on a lathe

glowing red

never thoughtΒ you would actually do it

arm burnt and blistering

curses from my mouth

No

there are scars

some are visible

others on my psyche

Jump out of a one and half story window

to get away from the beating

but it happened anyway

on the front lawn

call for help

betrayed by another

never make a man angry enough to want to hit you

There was never respect or loyalty

the lies were the only true constant

It wasn’t a surprise when I knew that I could never grow old with you

could never grow

I think I have now talked myself into feeling something

but in truth it’s not anything I want to feel

not anything that fits into my heart where I am now

So;

I offer you peace as you make your journey home

I wish for you to find the miracle inside you

I hope you are surrounded in love

I forgive you for everything we shared

for I know you did the best you could do at that time with what you had in your heart

I hope you have more now some 30 years later

And I also forgive myself because I knew better back then

but chose to ignore it

so my hands are not clean in the fabric of our life together

May peace be with you

May you pass with love

Blessitude

Lorrie

5/30/14

 

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My healing journey on the continuum of "It's all wrong" to "It's all right!" I love art and the creative process, reading, writing, and playing tennis.

9 thoughts on “Ode to an Ex

  1. Oh, Lorrie, sweet Lorrie! You have such a beautiful heart! That you can forgive such an act of violence and disrespect says so much about your beautiful beautiful soul. It is a very powerful thing to do, and I am in awe of you. You have managed to look beyond the exterior and see that this man too is a child of God and comes from the same source as you. That takes a lot of Love, true, divine Love. You are extraordinary Lorrie! Your poem will, I think, help many women in similar positions, and it will give them strenght. You really are becoming a healer! For I personally think, that in order to become a true healer, we must not carry bitternes in our hearts, but forgive all, release and let go, and fill that emptyness with Light and Love from heaven. Thank you beautiful Lorrie for being who you are, and for shining your light so brightly! Lots of Love to you my sweet soul-sister!

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    1. You make my light shine brighter…you magnify all that is good…not just with me…but for all you touch….Thank you dear Line! I must admit that my time with that man (boy…we were so young) was very destructive…I was lucky to get out alive. But my beautiful son was born of that…and there are not words I could use to tell you what he means to me πŸ™‚
      I truly am blessed and full of gratitude….Blessitude…for I can see we are all part of the same spirit…and I can have forgiveness pave the way for love!
      Thank you for seeing me dearest Line πŸ™‚

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  2. Lorrie, this is beautiful. It takes so much to forgive one who has wronged us, especially where abuse has occurred…where a life and a child has been shared. I know this is difficult as I am trying to reach a level of “love and compassion” for my “ex” in a miserable past relationship!

    Good for you to set this example, and more importantly, to have found this place in your heart…

    The True Light

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    1. Thank you…you know…I usually go back and read my post when someone comments on an older one. I couldn’t read this one…because even though I had forgiven my ex…I didn’t feel (as I think my post stated) as much as I thought maybe I should have at his death…but just reading the title post I choked up just now…so maybe I have some grieving to do. It is not always the easiest thing in the world to do…forgive someone who really hurt you…but I can tell you that it is oh…so freeing!! I would never have healed to the extent that I did had I not done much work forgiving <3. Much love to you…and I will say a prayer that you too can be freed by forgiveness! !

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      1. Lorrie, I think I understand what you are saying here. You may have thought your forgiveness was a bit incomplete or superficial because you weren’t as moved as you thought you should be at the news of his death.

        Please…don’t do that to yourself! We can forgive completely, but we may lose some emotional connection with an “ex” as time goes on. That’s as natural as can be…as human as can be.

        It doesn’t mean we haven’t done our duty on a spiritual level, it just means we don’t have that connection with the person on a human level any longer. And perhaps we shouldn’t, especially if there was abuse involved!

        God has many ways in which He will act to ease our pains and provide peace and healing. Maybe this was an indication that He has done this with you and your “ex.”

        In any case, don’t question yourself nor this matter any further. It is done and a closed matter in your life…

        May God love those who love and give so much. And you are one of them, Lorrie!

        The True Light

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        1. Thank you! What awesome words that have given me such comfort…I so appreciate your take on this. It is a very strange feeling…When you are not sure what you are “supposed” to feel. I eventually get to the place where I realize that whatever I feel is what I am “supposed” to feel! I think because it wasn’t maybe what I expected from me…that maybe it’s not completely authentic. Anyway, I thank you so much…you are so loving!! ❀ ❀

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          1. Ahh, see! I thought you were being too harsh with yourself and your emotions!

            Relax, Lorrie in the thought that the Lord is guiding you. When that is the case, you are assured that what you think and feel is “perfect” in heart because you are in the hands of our Perfect Father.

            You are a very special person, and it shows in what you say and do! This is as it should be…

            “TTL”

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              1. Me too! I think we “think alike” in a number of ways. It’s always nice to meet someone like that. You have a great day yourself, it’s about “quitting time” out here.

                Hope to see you tomorrow…

                “TTL”

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