All I can say is I wish I saw myself through your eyes!
I’m in training, working hard to see with love
To dispel the layers built over eons
What started out as beautiful somehow turned so ugly
Somehow changed the reflection to something that fostered deep shame, self-loathing, and doubt!
All I know is the way you made me feel when I read your words is that I really want to be that person
And here I am sandwiched between generations
And the focus is not clear
And yet I struggle to remove the layers and allow the truth of my soul to express itself
And I so want to believe that the truth is more of what you see.
I’ve been a little paralyzed lately; unable to push through the inertia I found when I returned from vacation.
I know grief is at the bottom of numbness, my inability to move; move through the heavy sludge that keeps me down emotionally, and physically too.
My trip was amazing and as soon as I can “feel” that way again I plan to share about it.
I got so much work done. It is all just waiting for me to send it out live because I didn’t have an internet connection where I was.
I functioned while I was away. I saw beauty all around me…and in me! And then I got home and I walked down our shared hallway and I felt the pain rip into my soul and all the memories, some of them so painful, came rushing back into my body and it brought me to my knees!
I have done the things that I absolutely HAVE TO DO…and that’s all.
I was unpacking a bag of books I took on my trip and I saw this book on my shelf this morning:
My incredible son made it for me a few years ago. It is full of pictures from throughout our lives and the words he chose to narrate it are STUNNING!
And you know what is so sad? I remember I was embarrassed when I first read it! I remember thinking, “Wow! That’s really nice that he wrote all these wonderful things about me, but I don’t believe it!”
I read it this morning with new eyes. And while I am not ready to take 100% responsibility for it all, truth rang clear in many instances.
I know our lives are what we make it. I am Blessitude and overwhelmed with emotion to know that the injuries suffered in families really can be healed.
I am grateful that the cycle of abuse can be stopped and I know that the stepping off point, the place where change can be affected, is all about what we think and feel about ourselves.
I’m not a big fan of allowing the opinions of others to slant what I think of myself, in fact it is paramount to my healing. But I have to tell you reading my beautiful son’s words this morning have made me feel a little kinder, a little softer, and a little more willing to look out of the eyes of love.
Thank you, JC…I love you more than you will ever know and I am so very proud of you!
Here is the credit for the book: