All I can say is I wish I saw myself through your eyes!
I’m in training, working hard to see with love
To dispel the layers built over eons
What started out as beautiful somehow turned so ugly
Somehow changed the reflection to something that fostered deep shame, self-loathing, and doubt!
All I know is the way you made me feel when I read your words is that I really want to be that person
And here I am sandwiched between generations
And the focus is not clear
And yet I struggle to remove the layers and allow the truth of my soul to express itself
And I so want to believe that the truth is more of what you see.
Blessitude!
Lorrie <3
03/03/2019
I’ve been a little paralyzed lately; unable to push through the inertia I found when I returned from vacation.
I know grief is at the bottom of numbness, my inability to move; move through the heavy sludge that keeps me down emotionally, and physically too.
My trip was amazing and as soon as I can “feel” that way again I plan to share about it.
I got so much work done. It is all just waiting for me to send it out live because I didn’t have an internet connection where I was.
I functioned while I was away. I saw beauty all around me…and in me! And then I got home and I walked down our shared hallway and I felt the pain rip into my soul and all the memories, some of them so painful, came rushing back into my body and it brought me to my knees!
I have done the things that I absolutely HAVE TO DO…and that’s all.
I was unpacking a bag of books I took on my trip and I saw this book on my shelf this morning:
My incredible son made it for me a few years ago. It is full of pictures from throughout our lives and the words he chose to narrate it are STUNNING!
And you know what is so sad? I remember I was embarrassed when I first read it! I remember thinking, “Wow! That’s really nice that he wrote all these wonderful things about me, but I don’t believe it!”
I read it this morning with new eyes. And while I am not ready to take 100% responsibility for it all, truth rang clear in many instances.
I know our lives are what we make it. I am Blessitude and overwhelmed with emotion to know that the injuries suffered in families really can be healed.
I am grateful that the cycle of abuse can be stopped and I know that the stepping off point, the place where change can be affected, is all about what we think and feel about ourselves.
I’m not a big fan of allowing the opinions of others to slant what I think of myself, in fact it is paramount to my healing. But I have to tell you reading my beautiful son’s words this morning have made me feel a little kinder, a little softer, and a little more willing to look out of the eyes of love.
Thank you, JC…I love you more than you will ever know and I am so very proud of you!
Mommy <3
Here is the credit for the book:
Love. Love to you. The strength of love, the kindness of love, the peace of love, the joy of love, the power of love. The incredible healing power of love. Blessitudes!
Thank you, John! Your response is a beautiful poem…and it touched my heart 💜 It is ALL about LOVE!
I hope you both are well, my friend😊
You are special in so many people’s eyes, because you truly are. The mind lives in doubt, but the heart knows the truth. 💕
Ah…Val. Thank you so much. I am learning to hear with my heart…and see with the eyes of love. I didn’t truly understand how what lives on the inside is reflected in what we see. Thank you for your kind, compassionate response 💜
“The truth is more of what you see.” So true. I ❤ you my dear friend.
I love you too, my dearest💜
Thank you for being here!
Dear Lorrie,
We are genuinely touched when reading your heartfelt words. Each is thoughtful and full of love and emotion.
You are traveling a road we all must endure with courage. Each road slightly different, some smooth others are very bumpy. A battle with grief can never be won but can be healed with understanding. Cry when you need, feel joy when you can. Meditate on your wellbeing and find your balance again as we know you will. Once the sadness is replaced with golden memories, you will know that your connection with your mother was never really lost and the bond is still and always present.
As we all make our transition from physical presence to a spiritual presence, there is only light, happiness and love. Our dear ones take our love with them and that is good. We remain to continue our journey of discovery and creation.
It is wonderful that you can see your beauty in the eyes of your son. Borrow his eyes and envision yourself as you are, full of love, kindness and inspiring.
We are all waiting for you here in the sunshine, come and join us.
Dave and Wendy
Ah! You guys really touched my heart this morning! Thanks doesn’t seem enough and I am feeling your love energy surrounding me! I hear your words and I understand what you say. This is a process and I am doing my best to walk through it. It certainly helps immeasureably to have the love and support of beautiful souls like you guys!!
I think what really happened was I worked so hard to take care of the physical things and turn the condo back over to the owner. I found it so difficult to deal with all of the possessions but I was finished February 1st and then we went away. Since then, things changed and I now find myself involved in the condo again, sorting through furniture that the owner wants to replace and it is not rented until April so it is still under my purview and not “gone!” I go over there and the memories are just too much. Our trip was WONDERFUL, and perhaps the best part of it was to be away from the “scene.”
Anyway…I will adapt as I always do. Don’t worry about me. I did some really great work while I was away and I will be sharing about it soon 🙂 My son is amazing and I will absolutely borrow his eyes whenever I feel the need to bump up my love energy! 🙂
I was so happy to see you here…thanks so much for your support, love, and guidance <3 You make a difference in my life…I will never forget your kindness towards my Mom and myself during such a difficult time in our lives. Walk through your day with a smile knowing that you truly bring love to our fractured world!!
Much love <3 <3
You found those true and loving words at the perfect time. Take them into your heart and let that love flow through your whole being. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and I’m glad you’re sharing them with us. I”m also glad you had a beautiful vacation.Maybe you can incorporate elements of that time and place into where you are now. Peace and love to you, my friend. I’m praying for your peace and comfort.
Hi JoAnna😁 Thank you so much for your compassionate soul! It was the perfect time, and thanks for saying you are happy I shared it. I’m never completely sure about the level of sharing. I wanted to post yesterday but didn’t feel up to what I had planned. Then I read that book and BAMM…It felt right.
I hope you are well. I haven’t been over to your blog but will soon. How is the house coming along? I think of you often about going through your parents “things” for such a long time. It is a seriously hard time that brings up so much! And if you are anything like I am, it’s hard to “get rid of” a lot of it. I don’t have much space (I live in a teeny condo) to take in very much. I just did a reconfigure to take a special table…and then my condo association called and told me I can’t store my paddleboard on my patio!!! So it is now part of what used to be the dining room area but became the tv/exercise bike area…you get the picture!!
Thank you so much for sending your beautiful energy…it truly helps!
Blessings…hope you are well 💜
Who needs a dining room when you have a paddle board! I’m still looking forward to trying paddleboarding some day. The house is coming along, thank you for asking. <3 . My parents' attic can be overwhelming, but I did find a lot of old letters up there, and I'm taking it one box at a time. I could be done and back in my regular (two bedroom) house by the end of March… I hope. I believe I'm getting better at letting go of material things, but it's still hard sometimes. May blessings continue to flow freely.
Yes…this process is a learning experience for letting go…that’s for sure!!
If we lived closer I would let you try the paddleboard…if you get a chance I would absolutely recommend it. It helped me overcome fear…and it is a great workout. But once you get fairly good at it it becomes meditative! Just awesome! It is a bit of a challenge to get it to water…I wouldn’t want to have to do it alone.
Sending good mojo for the rest of your job clearing out the memories.
Sweet blessungs, JoAnna💜
Thank you, Lorrie. If I come to Florida again, I’ll let you know. 🙂 <3
For sure!!😊💜
<3 🙂
I’m a firm believer that things happen when they happen for a reason….you needed to see again the beauty within you….out of the mouth of babes….:)
Thank you, Kirt. I’m grateful for your faith and kindness. My son just texted me and asked why I wouldn’t believe it…and it was hard to answer that.
Safe travels to you friend. I will think of you as you celebrate your Dad’s life. My family will gather for a celebration for Mom in June.
Sweet blessings.
“Wow! That’s really nice that he wrote all these wonderful things about me, but I don’t believe it!”
I read it this morning with new eyes. And while I am not ready to take 100% responsibility for it all, truth rang clear in many instances.“
So I really can appreciate all of this, how time can show us new ways to “receive” what we are worthy of, at least to the extent that we ‘agree’ within our own assessment. Grief is such a process, and it’s so multifaceted and surprising most of the time.
Always, much love to you 💗
Hello, Ka! Sorry for my delay in responding to you. I love what you wrote…especially about grief being surprising! There have been so many instances where my jaw drops and I am like…WT….
🙂
I hope you are well. I am experiencing life in all the ways that I can. This grief could not have been predicted.
My son is an amazing human and he read my post and simply said, “Why didn’t you believe it?”
Hmmmmm……
Sweetest of blessings. Sending love and light…and understanding <3 <3
What a beautiful gift, Lorrie! It’s unbelievable how fixed we can be in the evidence from our past, and what we think that means about who we truly are. Witnessing the truth that lives in us is one of the greatest ways we can help each other, I think. That your son would offer such words is an obvious testament to your loving heart… The evidence is right there…
Peace!
Michael
Hi Michael! Thanks so much for adding your beautiful energy here! Yes, the past has a way of impeding progress. I am a little stuck, but feel I am taking steps every day to continue forward movement.
My son literally saved my life when I was a mere teenager. I thought I knew everything and yet I was so afraid. We weren’t allowed to be afraid in my family so I buried fear into every cell of my body. Now, the excavation continues as I know that “where there is love there can not be fear!”
Sweet blessings to you, my friend. I hope that you and your family are really doing well!
<3
It sounds like you have a lot going on Lorrie. I’m glad you’re making progress on feeling more love and seeing with fresh eyes. You definitely deserve more love and joy. It sounds like your son is a real blessing. May you really let his words sink in and become your truth. I’m curious about your trip. Big Hugs! <3
Thanks, Brad 🙂 It has been a lot. And I am working through it. And my son is THE BEST!!! He is a blessing…always has been 🙂
It is such a huge key in the healing process, Brad. The way we see ourselves…feel about ourselves. I know they say we can make things happen with our thoughts, but the trick is finding out why we have the negative thoughts about ourselves and then getting rid of all that! 😉 We need to replace the negative with nothing but positive thoughts. Not always easy…but always beneficial!!!
(p.s. I saw you followed the blog again…but that won’t get you on the email list…There is a sign up underneath where it says “BECOME A MEMBER”…sorry to be a pain but I want you to be able to receive the updates…promise I won’t bombard your email 😉
Lorrie, this is such an honest, poignant reflection about the power of grief, healing, and love. I can’t imagine a more trustworthy mirror of one’s legacy than the memories of one’s loving child. Sending you hugs and healing thoughts. <3
Hi Carol😁 Thanks so much for responding and leaving your footprint here. Your words touch my heart and I am grateful for the feeling. I will remember to read that book when I need a pick me up 😉
Sweet blessings to you. 💜
❤️
Hope you have a super wonderful day! Sweet Blessings🌻
Thanks! You too 🌺