The depth of the cuts
are so deep
sliding down the hill
trying to catch my breath
trying not to get lost
in the darkness
razor sharp claws
have separated what was whole
and the memories
are rising
up to my throat
words unable to break free
air feels like mud
and the warped trill of the songbird
fills the canal
the piercing stab of a saber
renders me paralyzed
the once balanced mind
is doing cartwheels
while everything else
is infinitely still
I hold on for dear life
but it feels like death
the buried thoughts become nightmares
that circulate on a merry-go-round
which stands on its end
and becomes a ferris wheel
suddenly I am at the carnival
and once again
thrust into the FUNHOUSE
where I look in distorted mirrors
and see a twisted
short fat lady
looking back at me

I often associate my childhood with growing up in a (not so) FUNHOUSE. I look back on what were normal occurrences and have learned that they were anything but “normal.” I now know that what went on in the “Funhouse” was engineered by minds that were tortured, and it had nothing to do with the innocent children born into it. Sadly, I suspect that I am not alone.

I am blessed to have found people who grew up in lovely, “Leave it to Beaver” type homes, and that has helped me to understand that there truly is a different way.

Many times we languish in the dark until a pin-prick of light shines on truth and we are able to extricate ourselves from old stories.

This is a shout-out to anyone held captive in the darkness. There is another way…there is always another way to view a problem. Don’t stay stuck in a story that keeps you down in low energies and causes emotional and physical discomfort.

Take one step towards the light and free yourself of the negative thoughts and memories. Honor the pain you have gone through, thank it for what it taught you, and then let it go. Don’t hold on to it with grasping hands, set it free into the air like a bird in flight.

Our physical bodies are intimately connected to our emotional well-being. I have had an acute relapse of Lyme Disease which has been physically debilitating. It snuck up on me and I had to stop and analyze the way I’ve been thinking.

It would be easy to take a stick and beat myself, or to take thoughts and words with pointed edges that stab. But, instead, I sift through my thinking and see old beliefs and I know the answer is to CHANGE MY MIND!

We can focus on the negative and stay with our pain, or we can focus on what we want and how we want to feel.



Lorrie <3


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26 thoughts on “CHANGE MY MIND

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your relapse with Lyme’s Lorrie. And I’m heartened by your post, attitude, and encouragement of others to seek the light, taking any small step we can. Thank you. Heart hugs…💞

    1. Love…and NEED the heart hugs, Brad 🙂 THANKS! It’s all good. I wish I could figure out how to heal and be done with it…but I don’t think it works that way. I think it is about awareness…about being in and living every moment. When we go off on auto pilot, unfortunately, the old negative habits can take over.
      Sending you lots of love and hope that things are sun shiny bright in your world! <3

      1. That makes sense. Only you know what is best for you Lorrie. I’ve noticed that my patterns cycle and repeat, seemingly for deeper layers. But truthfully, I’ve stopped trying to improve myself and figure these kinds of things out. At this point, my focus is acceptance and moving forward a day/ step at a time. 🧡

  2. Such deep and powerful reflections, Lorrie, and wisdom earned through suffering, uncovered through reflection, and shared as a blessing for all who are able to listen. 💜

    1. Thank you, Carol 🧡 Your poetic words touch my heart. I am Blessitude…so happy to be able to share my healing journey. Thanks for adding your beautiful energy here!

  3. Powerful stuff, Lorrie. I am honored to have witnessed your strength of uncovering and addressing barriers to your genuine, healthy, authentic self and sharing it with us to learn and grow as well.

    You are accomplishing great things.

    I don’t remember if I have shared that Cyndie is living with the complications of Lyme Disease that first showed up over 30-years ago. The intricacies of our mind/body connections are hard to parse and just as difficult to do worthy justice.

    Some days we simplify our journeys for good reason. Some days we delve deep into the intricacies and make amazing discoveries. There are blessings to be found in both phases of our lives, no?

    Much love to you!

    1. Hi John. I don’t believe you shared that with me before…or perhaps if you did then maybe my “Lyme Brain” forgot 😉 Thank you for sharing. It never ceases to amaze me how many people have been affected (or infected) by this terrible disease. I send healing white energy to Cyndie and also please let her know she has a friend here who understands.

      I love your observation of blessings that can be found in each phase of our journey. I believe it…I live it…and I am full of gratitude to know that through it all…the ups and downs…what matters is our reaction.
      Sweet Blessings to you both for a great week ahead…hope the sun shines!
      And much love back🧡

  4. It’s so true Lorrie, once we understand that we have the power, that we can change our mindset and our thoughts, to a more positive and better way of thinking, then ultimately it affects our health and well being. I’ve seen first hand how stress impacts the body and mind. Our thoughts and bodies are so intricately linked. I hope you’re being kind to yourself my friend. Thank you for sharing your healing journey which continues for all of us. And thanks for your lovely email, will get back to you soon. Sending warm hugs and much love. xx 💜

    1. Love that you reinforce all that I think, Miriam 🙂 I remember when I overheard a doctor tell my husband that he thought the pain was all in my head. I got pretty angry because he dismissed that there was real physical pain and he gave up on trying to find a diagnosis. In hindsight, he was correct…in a way. My physical pain is intricately linked to my emotional pain…and a chronic illness, such as Lyme Disease, is an opportunistic invader…it lies in wait for me to experience high stress or emotional dissonance and then it strikes…and it strikes hard. I am always a bit taken back because I can’t believe that I ran off course. I always expect to be able to be aware and live in the moment. Alas, not quite there permanently (yet!) 😉
      I am grateful to be able to share my healing journey, Miriam. If it helps even one person it is worth it.
      Many Sweet Blessings, my friend. I hope this new week is full of wonder and great opportunities <3

      1. No one likes to be told that the pain is all in their head because we all experience pain so differently. And we’re not taught that our power to heal lies within. But like anything it takes knowledge, practice and conscious choice. One step at a time my friend, be gentle and kind to yourself. We all run off course at times and then we right ourselves again. I’m sure you’re helping many by sharing your journey. Sending you much love and warmest wishes. ❤️

        1. Thank you, dear Miriam 😊 I am good. And I realize the places I might not have been so attentive. I’ve got this!! I am not beating myself up…I am walking one step at a time (and sometimes one step is hard!) The most frustrating part is “managing” the disease. I like to figure out answers to problems…and all the years I have dealt with this there is no clear path to how much I can do (should/should not do.) I am excited because my emotional approach is soft…and that has not always been the case. I saw my doctor this morning (a new doctor as my original Lyme doc was in NJ) and I feel like I’m in good hands with some positive strategies to get through the dark period.
          Thanks my friend for all of your positive words…and for caring. I send you so much love and light! 😊🧡

          1. So glad you have a good doctor to help guide you through this. Yes, you’ve got it my friend! I can feel the strength and determination in your words. Much love always. ❤️

  5. Lorrie, your writing mesmerizes me. Just your poem alone, tells such a heart-breaking story with prose so raw that I became tearing. I am sorry for your suffering and all that you’ve had to break free of since childhood. Adding Lyme Disease to that – well, I am in complete awe of your strength and resilience as you cope with pain.
    You’ve written so well about the power of our thoughts. I learned that when I began healing and working with a hypnotherapist ten years ago. My new mantra became “thoughts equal feelings.” What a difference that made to my life. Every day, I stay positive by choosing the “story” that uplifts me. There’s always different ways to look at things, as you well know.
    I just wish you weren’t dealing with such a challenging health issue. Sending healing hugs and love, my new friend!

    1. You are such a beautiful soul, Judy…THANK YOU!! To hear your response to my words on a page…that literally fly from my soul to be seen…touches me so deeply. I love writing…but it is not something I sit and think about. The muse comes when she wants…and I see the first line of a poem behind my eyes in neon lights. Then I have to grab pen and paper because the rest is going to flow out quickly. I rarely edit…it feels like the poems were born as an entity and I usually leave them the way they got here 😉

      I love your kind heart and that you know you can change any story 😊 And if we have the chance to believe something good instead of something bad…why wouldn’t we? I can answer that…because I lived it for so long. But I know better now. And don’t worry…I am getting better every single day. There are some changes I have to make in lifestyle…namely cleaning up my diet and losing some weight. But it’s all good.

      I appreciate you! Thank you for your warm heart and healing wishes! 🧡

      1. Lorrie, your poem had such edges to it – the authenticity is what grabbed me. Oh my goodness, the fun house metaphor gave me chills. What a horror to process!
        I feel your struggle because I had issues with my weight and diet that skyrocketed after I broke my ankle. Only a few months ago, I found a way to turn it around – very sloooowly. And I fell much better. When you are ready – it will happen! The worst part was the pressure I put upon myself to be ready. It was torture!
        I have a great ending for your story. There are many more pages to be written. 🙂
        (and ps. I appreciate you, too!)

        1. Thank you dear Judy. I particularly like the ending of your comment…hearing that there are more pages to be written is so exciting!! Have a truly blessed day…much love and light!! 😊🧡🌞

  6. Very wise words. Honoring and acknowledging past hurts is essential, but so is moving past them and into the realilty that you want and deserve. It’s a process for sure, and not always linear. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Hi Ann😊 You are so correct about it not always being linear! I would guess that is what makes it more difficult sometimes, especially for people like me who like patterns…and planning.

      I am so grateful to be able to go ‘through these healing lessons…I think when it gets scary people tend to avoid it. I appreciate your comment and the wisdom you share. Hope you have a beautiful day🌞🌻

  7. My dearest Lorrie, thank you for your brave post. It takes a lot of courage to dive into our past and revisit things and make that bold shift from “that’s just the way it was” to “things could have been better”. I know that trauma is a loaded word, but I think to make the progress we wish to make in the meaning of our lives, that we must confront it, understand it, forgive yourself and forgive others. We don’t want to get stuck in our trauma, and I love how you are exploring with the goal of moving forward. I am by your side, always! Harlon

    1. Hello my deae, dear friend, Harlon. We share so much even though we have never met. You seem to always know just what to say to take the edge off…to make me feel better. And perhaps most importantly, you hear my words…my soul…and you see me! I am grateful grateful!

      I hope things are also moving forward for you, Harlon. You have crossed my mind (and heart) so many times lately. I always send you so much love and light!!
      Be well 🧡🧡

  8. Your poem is deeply affectionate and shows that you are trying to overcome the past hurts and pains.
    Well, I think everybody has their past which they must to step up on and to some level, get disentangled from it.
    The best thing is probably ability of memory to remember good things and forget the bad parts.
    I loved the times without internet and everything that was real, there were no worries about anything, no comparing one’s life to others. It was mostly present tense we lived in.
    When it comes to recurring illnesses, I think I know a lot about them. I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with that right now.
    People are way stronger than they think and there’ s a very strong recharging mechanism built in everyone of us. I really do not like how some people try to emphasize that whatever one’s problem is, they cannot solve it on their own. I’ve always been convinced of the opposite: as long as we want and have to, we can do everything.
    I’ve been also dealing with not that pleasant side effects of my conditions.
    We cannot expect to get the vaccine before summer, and that is the best scenario. US is ahead of Canada, big time in that regard.
    Don’t stay in the past, Lorrie, decorate it with your good thoughts, dress it up in spring flowers and send off into the blue yonder.
    Feel better friend! Hugs and blessings to you!

    1. Thanks so much, Inese. I love the end of your comment so much…yes…decorate it… dress it up in spring flowers and off to the blue yonder. I know you know a thing or two about dealing with chronic health issues. And I also know that you have a very strong mental resolve and that you totally get the connection between body mind and spirit. We have so much control in healing…and it is a shame that we are not taught that from an early age. The past is scenery from a train window…a place we traveled through and we can choose whether we want to hold on to the memories.
      I hope you stay well. And I hope you are able to get the vaccine when and if you want it…soon. I have many friends who have been vaccinated and they appear to have a strong sense of security. As I have not been able to get the shot, things are status quo for me. I use caution, but do what I have to do.
      Sending lots of good energy your way on this Saturday morning 😊🧡

  9. Lorrie, your journey and your beautiful words, help all of us. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and soul so freely and with these spaces we grow. You are very close to my heart. Sending love and deep healing energy with that gentleness that we all need to really recover more fully. Your words are so wise and I am so grateful for my time spent here 💖

    1. Thank you, Ka 💜 I feel so empowered by your words, love, and ever constant support. Sometimes I feel naked when I expose truths that have been buried so long. Some things, by nature, feel like they should be kept buried…but that is what keeps the pain buried with it! I made a decision to peel back layers and let the skeletons rattle free. If that helps others then it is a giant cherry on top ☺ Much love, my dear friend. Keep moving forward…let me know when you pass your exam!! 😉🧡🌞🌻🌈

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