TENTACLES OF DARKNESS
Reaching for the surface
I feel myself falling deeper
The light shines above
To a destination of hope
But I am wrapped in darkness
As a vortex below swallows me whole
And creates distance
As light wanes in the ether
The Tentacles of Darkness
Invade my mind
The fear of this place used to grip me and constrict my breathing. I tried anything not to be there…not to feel it, because I thought whatever lurked down there was just too frightening to face.
This time I tried something different. I tried to just “BE” and to let this thing play out. And that is what led to my 8 week absence from my blog. To be honest, it is what has led to my 8 week absence from life! My last post was about unexpected and uncontrolled grief which was palpable. Due to the severity and depth of the grief, I should have guessed that there was a little more to it.
I have been bombarded with past trauma that decided to make an appearance all in a short period of time. I did not feel strong enough to meet these memories head on, so I’ve been trying to just “BE” okay.
The problem with just “BE”ing is that I wasn’t “DO”ing. And no matter how hard I tried to force myself to write and/or create…it was an empty well.
HEALING IS HARD
Sometimes I feel brave and can forge ahead, and other times I feel paralyzed; partly or wholly incapable of movement.
Deep down I know the key IS MOVEMENT. It’s okay to stand still for a little while but its that whole physics thing about a body in motions stays in motion, and yes, a body at rest remains at rest. The longer I abstained from my creativity the less creativity I had. And it reminded me of the way too many years that I had NONE!
Then a lightbulb went off
and I wondered:
Is it possible that when I thought that I would just ride out the current storms in a place of quiet contemplation – without any demands for healing, that I was really denying the things in life that bring me the greatest joy, and in so doing I was actually practicing the sneakiest form of self-abuse?
That is exactly what has been going on around here. It is truly amazing the tricks a mind can play!
So what do you do when you have this AHA moment? You pick up your pen and no matter how hard it is to start, you know that you have to jump start your creativity so you can get back to the business of healing!
If you have experienced any forms SNEAKY self-abuse, I would love to hear about it!
Hope you all are living life surrounded by love!
33 thoughts on “A SNEAKY FORM OF SELF-ABUSE”
A good friend of mine shared his daughters psyche thesis with me some years ago titled “Complicated Grief”. She discusses the phases of grief most often seen in papers, but goes on to define complicated grief as a connection that is difficult to break, because of the identification one has with the one lost. As if a part of oneself has been lost. It is a difficult thing to deal with. In my experience your willingness to try is vital to healing. Creativity will help you find what is missing. Many blessings on your journey 🙏🏼🙏🏽🙏🏾
Ah! Grandfathersky!! Thanks for sharing…it certainly seems fitting to name it “Complicated Grief.” It is mingled not only with the loss experienced at death, but also with the loss from years ago…things that have come to light that are heart wrenching. I appreciate your support and believe in the words you said. Healing is hard sometimes but I know now that turning away from the things that bring me joy simply is not the way to go.
Many Sweet Blessings back to you. I hope that you always live with JOY as a constant companion 🙂
Hi Lorrie, you’re right, it’s okay to stand still for a little while but there comes a time when we have to move, to do anything that changes the way we feel. I’m sorry you’ve been low but glad that you’ve had some aha moments that will move you forward. I know in the past I’ve been a big one for self-abuse, self-denial and it really takes a conscious mindset to shift out of that. We’ve grown up not used to being told that we should love ourself first and that every other form of love stems from that. I’m so glad you’re writing again and I hope it helps with further healing. Sending you all my love and warmest wishes from the road where I’ve been travelling the past month. xx 💙
Hi Miriam! Thank you so much, beautiful soul 🙂 It never ceases to amaze me the way old habits can creep back in…in such sneaky ways!! What you said is so true…everything stems from being able to love ourselves. If we were not taught that in the early years, and worse…if we were actually taught the opposite…it can be a life-long struggle to stay on the path of love. I’m not sure how much more I have to uncover and deal with in relation to my past trauma…part of me wishes it was done!!…but I do know that being able to stay conscious of my feelings and being able to treat myself with love, kindness, and compassion…IS KEY!! It helps so much to have the support from beautiful people…LIKE YOU!
I can’t wait to read about your travels…WOW…the past month!!
Sending all good thoughts and lots of love!! <3
Yes Lorrie, treating yourself with love and compassion is key. I wish you all good things as the days go by, be kind to yourself and you’ll get through the other side. Lots of love to you my friend. xx
Thanks, Miriam!! There’s nothing like having such a kind soul cheering me on from afar! Your words have such energy that they make me know they are true!!
Keep traveling safely…and have fun!! Can’t wait to read more about your trip.
Much love! <3
Thank you my beautiful friend. I can feel your energy too, smack bang in the middle of my heart. Love and big hugs 💜
Hi Lorrie. Thanks for being real and vulnerable. I’ve done many self-destructive things, especially a lot of doing nothing that led to negative results. A non-decision is still a decision which in my case was a sneaky way to let my life fall apart. Kudos on realizing you needed to act. Yes, we need to feel our feelings, but we also need to take dominion over ourselves and our lives. Kudos my friend. 🙏
I am learning that self-abuse can take on many faces, Brad. I love that you wrote that a non-decision is still a decision…I don’t think people truly understand that!
I used to be such a perfectionist and felt that I was defined by my accomplishments, which led to a different kind of abuse. Somewhere…there is a balance between these two extremes and I have a feeling that SELF-LOVE is the answer.
I hope that you are well, Brad. I hope that the opening I noticed (before my absence) is continuing, and that doors have opened that were perceived to have been closed!! Much love and many blessings to you, friend <3
Thank you Lorrie. Yes, the learning is ongoing. I feel a little stagnant, but am mostly enjoying my life. Love is always a good choice! 🧡 Hugs and blessings…
I’m glad you picked up your pen and started to write again. I know the energy and push it takes to pick up that pen or anything that allows us to DO. Congrats and my best wishes.
Hi Cynthia 🙂 Thanks so much for your kind support. Sounds like you do know a little bit about this…and I send all good thoughts that you don’t experience it…ever again!
It’s so nice to see you…I hope things are going well for you <3
Thank you, Lorrie. Giving thanks for every blessing and trying to keep my head above the water.
Amen, Cynthia! Sensing all good energy and wishes 😊
Aw, Lorrie, I felt so sad to read what you are going through! As a survivor of grief myself, I understand about falling into a pit of despair. Somehow, hearing you judge your struggle as “self-abuse” seemed harsh to me. There is no timetable for grief. As much as I hated being in a hole, what helped me tje most was self-love.
Your post is actually a triumph of how you were patient and loving with yourself. Ultimately, you pulled yourself out when you were ready. Please don’t judge your healing – when you are an absolute success story.
You have dealt with some horrific circumstances and processing them takes time. Every moment in the darkness has allowed you to emerge to share your incredible resilience. I wish you continued healing and am sending you every hug in my heart!
Judy!! Thank you my friend. Your words truly touch my heart and there is no doubt in my mind that that also helps my healing! I love your thoughts and will think about them for sure. Please, don’t worry…I do judge myself harshly (that is something that came naturally to me…probably because that is how I grew up) but I am a work in progress on that front. I don’t think I went over a line here as what looked like I was doing something good for myself turned into me NOT being able to access my creativity at all…it was like withholding something that I love so much and get so much enjoyment…and healing from. It seemed the longer I did nothing the more I couldn’t do anything!
But I am in a much better place right now. I feel re-energized to do the work that I do without judgment and without a timeline…I’m just happy to be able to access this place again.
I am so grateful for you…and I love how protective you feel for me 🙂 It is really nice to have such a wonderful person in my corner cheering me on…Thank you, Judy! I do so appreciate and love you!! <3
Lorrie, you are simply amazing – accessing your creativity in the darkness is no small feat. I see your survival and emergence as self- love – not self-abuse. You’ve been dealt such awful circumstances. Facing grief and darkness is understandable.
I am here to keep cheering you on. I love how you express yourself and I am so glad you are writing again! Sending love, Lorrie!
Thank you, beautiful soul! I am feeling so much better…and it definitely helps to have you in my corner!! Everyone needs/wants people in their corner! It is a lonely road when you feel you don’t have this.
I hope the rest of your week is WONDERFUL…and I am excited to attend your live event on Saturday…I am going to try to add the link here in case anyone is reading this deep. 💜💜
If you want to hear an angel sing from her heart Saturday, August 7, 2021 at 7:00pm eastern…click on this link!!!
My heart goes out to you, but what a beautiful and inspirational post. You have overcome!! Blessings!
Thanks, Kirt! YES!! I have overcome…and will continue to overcome anything that comes to me. I appreciate your support and I hope that you and your family are doing well. Thanks for the kind words about my post, as well 🙂 Sweet Blessings!
My best to you Lorrie!!
Oh dear Lorrie, you weren’t self sabotaging…you just rested and then started to get some energy for creativity back which first comes as a distant longing in my experience. We’ve all been there. I’m so glad you are starting to move towards the surface again. Much love to you!
You are so sweet, Kristen! 🙂 Thank you for you very calming, very positive words. I imagine that if we lived closer we would love to get together and create…and talk away the hours.
I appreciate you…and I hope that things are going well in your part of the world! <3 Much love back to you!
thank you for being so real. And sharing your journey. I can really relate. And it helps to see how someone else is dealing with stuff that I’ve had to deal with too. I always learn from you. Much love sent your way!
Hi Linda 🙂 I’m so grateful for your response because I worry sometimes that when I post about my pain that it can come across as all about me. It makes my heart sing to hear you say that it helps you…because honestly…if I could make sure that nobody ever felt the horrible things that I have I would DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT!!
I hope you are surrounded in love and wish all good things for you <3
I’m so sorry for you loss and pain, but so glad that you’ve found a way to move forward. Your honesty is a gift because I’m sure many others will recognize and relate to what you’re saying. You’re right, taking a step back just “to be” can be a good thing in the short term, but ultimately, it’s allowing what’s bothering you to cut you off from the things in life that bring you joy. Welcome back, and I’m glad you’re being creative again! Best wishes for continued healing!
Thanks, Ann. You understand exactly what I was trying to convey and I am grateful for your support here 🙂 I am in a much better place and happy to be back here making contact with beautiful souls…like YOU! I hope things are going well in your part of the world. A new world it is and I think everyone is trying to find the new normal. Maybe part of what was bothering me so much is how much it has changed. I have really felt gratitude during the pandemic because I was able to adapt fairly easily and most of the people I care about were doing okay. But it is impossible not to notice the dramatic changes…that are EVERYWHERE!
Take good care of yourself and your family. Wishing all good things for you! <3
This resonates deeply. Thank you for sharing. 💕
It’s great to connect, Sara. It would seem we have a lot of pain in common. Here’s to self-love and healing! 💜
Any loss is extremely hard to take.
The older we get, the more losses we have to go through.
Well, nothing makes this go away, but gradually you get used to it.
I think doing nothing is just fine, or sleeping for a week. Or reading fiction or talking with yourself as long as it’s a good talk.
Good to know you’ve crossed off some heavy burdens and, hopefully, the way ahead is brighter and sunnier.
I hope you feel good again!
I feel great, Inese!!! THANK YOU!! I have had some major break throughs recently and feel so much lighter…and so much more full of love. Inner peace is an amazing place to live and I have felt it before…it would be nice to live there exclusively…but either way I know that this life is my life…and I direct it. Thanks for your beautiful words and thoughts from your heart. It’s an amazing journey!!
Sweet Blessings <3