TENTACLES OF DARKNESS
Reaching for the surface
I feel myself falling deeper
The light shines above
To a destination of hope
But I am wrapped in darkness
As a vortex below swallows me whole
And creates distance
As light wanes in the ether
The Tentacles of Darkness
Invade my mind
The fear of this place used to grip me and constrict my breathing. I tried anything not to be there…not to feel it, because I thought whatever lurked down there was just too frightening to face.
This time I tried something different. I tried to just “BE” and to let this thing play out. And that is what led to my 8 week absence from my blog. To be honest, it is what has led to my 8 week absence from life! My last post was about unexpected and uncontrolled grief which was palpable. Due to the severity and depth of the grief, I should have guessed that there was a little more to it.
I have been bombarded with past trauma that decided to make an appearance all in a short period of time. I did not feel strong enough to meet these memories head on, so I’ve been trying to just “BE” okay.
The problem with just “BE”ing is that I wasn’t “DO”ing. And no matter how hard I tried to force myself to write and/or create…it was an empty well.
HEALING IS HARD
Sometimes I feel brave and can forge ahead, and other times I feel paralyzed; partly or wholly incapable of movement.
Deep down I know the key IS MOVEMENT. It’s okay to stand still for a little while but its that whole physics thing about a body in motions stays in motion, and yes, a body at rest remains at rest. The longer I abstained from my creativity the less creativity I had. And it reminded me of the way too many years that I had NONE!
Then a lightbulb went off
and I wondered:
Is it possible that when I thought that I would just ride out the current storms in a place of quiet contemplation – without any demands for healing, that I was really denying the things in life that bring me the greatest joy, and in so doing I was actually practicing the sneakiest form of self-abuse?
That is exactly what has been going on around here. It is truly amazing the tricks a mind can play!
So what do you do when you have this AHA moment? You pick up your pen and no matter how hard it is to start, you know that you have to jump start your creativity so you can get back to the business of healing!
If you have experienced any forms SNEAKY self-abuse, I would love to hear about it!
Hope you all are living life surrounded by love!