I can look at it all
turn it sideways
Feel things that are long gone
or anticipate what’s yet to come
Am I the same person the terrible things happened to?
Do I have to feel now
the way I probably felt then…
Or has time created a space
in which those feelings don’t matter?
It really seems hard to believe that as I near my 60th birthday (egads!) I can still be bombarded with memories from a highly dysfunctional up-bringing.
I have to admit that when it first happens I feel broken…flawed. I retreat into a place of silence where I try to gather the fragments of self to put them back into an order that seems acceptable.
It always has the undertone that something is wrong with me…that I am a flawed individual who needs to get rid of the things that not only cause so much pain, but that make me less than in the first place.
Right thinking would say that I did nothing to deserve the hideous events in my childhood. Right thinking would plant the blame squarely on the adults in the picture who obviously were pained by their own existence.
But real-life doesn’t always follow the dictates of right thinking. Real-life takes into account that there can be wrong thinking caused by years of neglect and abuse. Real-life encompasses everything I am, everything I think, and unfortunately everything that has happened.
The answer to this business of healing may just lie in the ability to be able to accept IT ALL; to be able to view where you have been…where you are…and where you are heading as if it was a movie about someone else’s story.
If we can sit with all of that and view it in its honest truth without judgment as to whether it is good, bad, relevant, or indifferent, we can make a conscious decision to accept it. Once we stop fighting and allow the truth to live without judgment, we can walk through the gate and enter the place where we can begin to love ourselves unconditionally.
If we can walk on this journey to self-love in the exact state that we are in, with total acceptance of everything, we can begin to discard the pieces that do not resonate as being our truth. And the beautiful thing about discarding what is not us, is that what is uncovered – all that is left, IS US!
Here’s to accepting everything so that we can walk through the gateway to self-love!
Heal and Free Your Soul!