This Anxiety Feels Familiar

Beautiful-sunrise

Lost time.

The calendar pages turn

Day ticked off

The list grows

Sleepless nights

So many things swirl through my head

So many things I want to do

So many things I want to make

Can’t stop the progression

As my mind swims to deeper depths

As it tries to figure out solutions

To situations I hold

And to ones that may

Or may not happen

But they happened somewhere in time

I know

So I must be prepared

For every possible thing

This feels like anxiety

This feels like living from old tapes of the past

and I know the solution

I must live in this moment

And recognize the beauty of my life

I want to wake and look at the miracles

I want to live from the truth of my being

I want to be connected to Spirit

and I want to swim through the ocean of love!

I am a great sleeper. When my head hits the pillow it’s lights out and a bomb could go off and I don’t wake up.

That is until lately. For some unexplained reason, I have been waking with a start and I feel so wide awake I know there’s no chance of falling back to slumber.

3:00AM. Almost on the dot! Every time!

I made the decision not to fight it, so I get up and do something. Sure, I get tired by days end but that just makes me think, “Great! Now I will sleep well tonight.”

That has been true. I usually sleep well the next night, and ok the night after that. Then I repeat the pattern.

Last night I sat straight up and I just knew it was 3:00AM. I got up to take care of business and I looked at the clock – and it was 2:00AM! I was pissed off! I would not get up at 2:00AM!

So I stayed in bed and I tossed and turned. I could hardly keep up with the thoughts that raced through my mind.

I’m not sure what it is, but I have an idea that it is tied to the fact that the holidays are fast approaching. This will be the first pass through them without both of my parents. 😦

Holidays have always been uncomfortable for me. I guess I hoped that things would be different this year. I thought about it a lot this morning before I posted. And I realize that they will only be different if I make them different!

I am a work in progress.

Sending you all lots of love and light as we head into the time of year that is so difficult for so many. I truly wish you all peace.

Blessitude!

Lorrie ❤

11/10/2019

Posted by

My healing journey on the continuum of "It's all wrong" to "It's all right!" I love art and the creative process, reading, writing, and playing tennis.

40 thoughts on “This Anxiety Feels Familiar

  1. Uh, where I know this about waking up in the middle of the night and then no more sleep is possible. I have lived with that in periods for many years, Lorrie.
    You are right, if you want anything to change, you need to change your mindset about it.
    All good luck to you 🙂

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    1. Hi Irene! I wonder…did you know WHY it was happening when it happened to you?
      It is such a strange thing for me as I have always been a really good sleeper. I know some of what I need to change and I took some very important steps just this morning (before I could even post this!)
      Sending much love and light to you. I wonder how you are doing in your progress with your big move. I will be over to your blog to check.
      ❤ ❤
      Thanks for your support…always!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a very long story Lorry, so let us just call it life.
        When I have the good times, I fall asleep in few minutes, so I appreciate those too.
        I’m not so far yet with the move. It demands lots of planning and saving too. I hope to be able to move in the coming year, even if I would like to much before.
        Take care, my friend ❤

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        1. I get it, Irene. I think eventually we come to the understanding of what it is…and then we have to do something about it…or not I suppose. But if we don’t do anything about it, it is destined to be the same.
          Thinking good thoughts of love…and good health ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  2. There must be something in the air b/c my anxiety is begging for attention today too. Time to stock up on my helpers~ GABA and L-Theanine. I’m with you that this time of year can be extremely overwhelming despite best intentions. I always have this grand notion of making it all very natural and seasonal and refuse the frenetic-ness but it’s so easy to get caught up in that vibe. This will be the first holiday season that my little family is split into two, so I know how it feels to have an extra challenge ahead. Sending you love and light and all the bests. Take care.

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    1. I’m feeling it for you! There’s something about the changes that WE DIDN’T NECESSARILY MAKE BY CHOICE…or the ones that had to happen even if that is not what we wanted.
      Please know that you are in my thoughts…I hold a space for you that you will make it through this season…with all its changes…and be able to walk with grace. I will have to look up your helpers…I am not too proud to ask for help 😉
      Thanks for always showing your vulnerabilities…and for always showing me love and support. Thinking good thoughts ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Brad! I am certain that I will 🙂 and that is half the battle (don’t like that word…though it does feel like a battle sometimes.)
      I already took a positive step this morning before I posted this and it has relieved a bit of the pressure for me. Life is a journey and I am willing!!
      Much love to you…I hope that things are going well in your part of the world. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Noooo…Brad! Ugh!! Ok…that was my first thought (which I still don’t have control over) but I pretty quickly thought that it is ok! If you can view it as an opportunity…that it will help you move forward into something bigger…better…more well suited…??? then you can get the positive spin on it and help to manifest it!!

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I wake up more and more as I get older. And now meditate to help the mind calm so I can get back to sleep.
    Try these
    1.Speaking inwards “I Inhale Peace… I Exhale Release”
    If the mind starts to wander bring it back to the words until you find a rhythm and some calm.
    2. Try counting up to 10 me then back for each inhale and exhale or try this Four Square Breath practice. Imagine a square.
    Inhale up one side for 4 counts
    Hold over the top for 4 counts
    Come down the other side for 4 counts
    Hold along the base for 4 counts
    Find the pace that is comfortable for you. Begin to slow the pace as you relax.
    May you find some calm in the midst of chaos my friend 💕🙏💕

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    1. Hi Val! Wow…thanks so much for these ideas. It is something I don’t have much experience with so I am so grateful for the advice. I did some real soul searching this morning and I’m pretty sure I understand where it is coming from. And I have taken a few positive steps to release the anxiety. I like the four square breath practice…it helps me to have something visual to go along with the physical.
      I hope you are well, Val. Sending Sweet Blessings 💜

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah…thanks, John. I’ve really been thinking about how we impact each other’s lives. Sometimes good, sometimes negative…and sometimes we have no idea at all. Thanks for nodding to the positive!
      Many sweet blessings!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Well, we all have different sleep patterns, but it should be 7-8 hours. If it is very little, your immune system cannot heal and straighten you out. That includes the brain. While we sleep, the immune system via lymphatic vessels that surround our brain takes away all bad things and substances. I believe you have heard how it is said that sleep makes you healthy again and cures. It is important.
    I just think sleep doesn’t happen when we start trying to push ourselves to sleep. The more we want to fall asleep, the less likely it is that it will happen.
    I personally read a lot before I go to sleep. It cleans my mind. I choose stories which take me away. My problem is that I frequently cannot stop reading. I usually go to sleep around 1 am, sometimes at midnight. We are either early raisers or late sleepers. I have more energy at night than in the morning, so, I take advantage of it.
    You probably have tried not resting or sleeping all day even when you have slept very little. It is usually the mind which we have to shut off. It is easy to say, but hard to do, and that’s why I read. Boring books put me asleep very soon, for example.
    I know how people try to suppress their anxiety. I had it sometimes, but it went away after I stopped feeling sick and bad after surgeries. I am very good right now, thankfully. I used cold compress on back of neck, head back, slow, deep breathing until it all calms down. I also drank a lot of ice water with some lemon, a few drops. Then there is motherwort tincture. Can be taken 3 times a day. Noticeably improves anything with nervousness and anxiety.
    It’s great if you can use no brain affecting medications because all of them have side effects and they change the electrical activity and signaling pattern of the brain.
    I hope you sleep well tonight.
    Maybe painting late at night can help.
    Painting and drawing helped me always even when I had hard times getting over mom’s passing.
    It’s just like an excellent wonderful meditation.
    Sleep well and wake up fresh!

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    1. Hello Inese…I don’t know how I missed your response here but I am very happy that I just found it. Thanks so much for adding here and for suggesting various ways to combat the sleeping issue. I am grateful for the suggestions 🌝 I am much better…I made some definite plans around the holiday…plans that are good for me even if that means some others may not like it. I looked inside and I know that a lot of my anxiety is caused by missing my Mom. This time is all “firsts” first Thanksgiving/Christmas/anniversary of her death, and even though I have dealt with my grief in positive ways, it is a hard time. My crazy phone suddenly shows me “photos from one year ago” and when I first look it takes my breath away. It was a very hard time, she did not have an easy passing. So the reminders get to me. But then I decided whenever my phone arbitrarily decides to show me, that I should view it as a contact from my Mom! I just miss her…but I know she is always with me…in my heart💜
      I am happy to hear that you are feeling better and that your health is back on track. I know you went through some very difficult times and it is good to know that you are in a much better patch.
      I send you sweet blessings 💜

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  5. I sympathise. I had my own run-ins with nighttime awakenings. My solution (amid a great many natural remedies) was when I finally learned to treasure and appreciate those times when all is still and hushed, ideal to commune with my maker and to be quiet. I received so many answers to pressing problems during those times, not because I sought them but because I’d finally find that place of peace and rest into which wisdom flows. Now thankfully I sleep well, but if I should awake…

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    1. Hi Claire! I absolutely LOVE what you shared here…how beautiful!! That is exactly what I wanted it to be when I said I decided not to fight it…I just didn’t completely get there 😉
      It has to be ok…right? Whatever shows up is handled so much better when we lean into it instead of fighting it. I have to admit…it did feel good to revel in the silence! I so seldom experience silence in my days. It’s a nice place to visit!
      Thanks so much for leaving your footprint 🌝🌷💜

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Lorrie, I woke at EXACTLY 2:00 last night too. Let’s call it The Magical Hour…and delight in what the universe is shifting for both of us. More fun being in it together. Like my flat tire this week. Two hours spent beside a busy highway, giggling the whole time, because my friend was at my side. I’m happy to be in community with you for this journey.

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    1. Is that you, (Teresa?) Forgive me if I am wrong, but wow!
      Everything is better when we connect and have a friend by our side…be it human, Spirit, or a journal 😉
      I just walked around your blog and boy…your art blew me away…WONDERFUL!!!
      There must have been something important going on at 2:00am…something we both were a part of.
      I hope you are well…you certainly look mahvelous!!!

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  7. Hate that 3:00AM wake up call. Both my wife and I have struggled off and on with that over the years. And it’s always 3:00AM sharp! Go figure! Once we both realized it was stress related, started working on clearing our minds and that led into the post I did a couple of weeks ago….living in the present moment, discarding worries…..so here I am at 3:00AM the other night telling myself I’m living only in this moment and not worrying about X,Y&Z. Heh, isn’t this bed comfortable and don’t those blankets feel great keeping me warm and isn’t the house nice and quiet and nice not having either cat in my face….it worked…went back to a deep sleep! Blessings to you!! Have a great rest of your week!

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    1. What is it about 3am?? It is crazy that I have heard from so many people who experience the same wake-up call time! I have to go and see your post, Kirt, and I will try your idea about being in that one moment! And if that doesn’t work, I will get up and get something done!
      I remember reading Wayne Dyer and he always got up…I believe it was 3am…ON PURPOSE!! And he would talk about how peaceful that time was. I won’t lie, it was kind of special being the only person awake…well…the only person in my home😉
      Thanks, Kirt. It is good to be reminded to live in the moment…really be in the moment!
      🌝💜

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  8. I can relate to thinking I have to be prepared for every situation, but my rehearsals have made me miss the gifts of the present too many times. When I was in my 40s, I would often wake up at exactly 4 am. Sometimes I tossed and turned, sometimes I meditated and prayed, Sometimes I went back to sleep. I wondered if it was hormones, because it eventually stopped. Still, there is a lot going on in your emotional and spiritual life. The approaching holidays will have challenges, but I also believe they CAN BE DIFFERENT because you will make them different. Maybe you will honor, change or revive traditions. Maybe you will start some new traditions. I send you love, hugs, and wishes of peace.

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    1. Oh…I know about missing those gifts, JoAnna! It’s funny how we can read things and understand them intellectually…we need to be in the moment…but putting it into practice on a moment by moment basis is so hard! I know the answer to almost everything is to be in the moment that we have. And my first resort on those sleepless nights is to talk with God…if that is the definition of pray…then I pray 😉 And I know that it helps. And maybe, part of those sleepless nights are because I have not been making contact with Spirit as much as I would like. We get busy and fill up our days with things that we must do and hopefully there is time left over for things we want to do.
      I am so grateful for you, and for your support and confidence in how I will handle the upcoming holidays. It is sad, as you know, because what was no longer is. But you are so right and I hope to honor the past and yet, make new traditions. Much love and light to you too, JoAnna ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. So articulate and meaningful, as your writing always are! Truly pray you find rest again as its so important to how we feel physically and emotionally during the day when you want to get things done. Holidays will be good, you have much to be thankful for as im thankful for you in my life.

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    1. Hello my dear friend ❤ Thank you so much for your kind heart. I am so happy that we have connected in this lifetime and the more I get to know you, the happier I am. It means a lot to me that you show love and support so easily. I do have so much to be thankful for, I am Blessitude! 😉 And know that you are on the list. This is a time that can be difficult for so many…
      Know that I am here for you…always!

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  10. I so understand these sleep patterns especially in times past.. This was the time I turned to my journal and some of my most inspired poems were written in those small wee hours when the world around was more silent and I was able to listen to my inner guidance all the more.

    Maybe you should pick you your pen Lorrie next time you wake at this regular time.. For me it was often 2:22 or 3:33.. Last night it was 1:30 and once I had written another poem I slept solid… Reading it this morning I often marvel at the poems content and wonder did I write it at all… lol..

    I thought I would drop back in here Lorrie as I may drop off the radar for a time..
    Much love my friend.. Yes we are works in progress.. but we are my friend Progressing… And its wonderful to witness how we are each evolving and moving through it… To emerge wiser on the other side..
    ❤ take care and stay blessed ❤

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    1. Hi Sue! Yes…I know exactly what you mean! I have gotten up and I have written…or read…or worked on various other projects. I wrote twice today that the first thing I would always try is to pray…talk with God…and then I wondered if that is the exact reason that I woke at that time anyway. Maybe I have not been as connected to Spirit and Spirit knows that the first thing I think of is to have a conversation… food for thought😉
      So, I will be over this weekend for sure…and I hope that your absence will be due to something fun and wonderful…
      Whatever it is please know I keep you in my thoughts of light, peace and love. And yes…it is wonderful to go through this time together and to be a witness to the changes.
      Sweet blessings, dear Sue 💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Great post, Lorrie, something that I think also has to do with the end of the year – so many things yet to do, but as you say in your poem, time keeps moving forward and conversely our list of things to do gets longer and longer. For the past week I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night as well, not late enough to actually get out of bed 🙂 Wishing for a sleep-filled weekend for you.

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    1. Ah! Randall…yes…the end of the year. It is so hard for me to believe how fast this year slipped by! I had many plans – some accomplished, others put on a back burner as life did her thing or other plans seemed to take precedence. I am full of gratitude to feel so alive that I want to do so many things, as this was not always the case.
      I have had so many people tell me that they, too, have been awakened at similar hours last week! Maybe some kind of global message was trying to be conveyed!
      Thanks so much for leaving your footprint here🌝 I send all good thoughts of love and peace! And it was really nice to read your new post…as always!!

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  12. When I read your posts Lorrie, I can’t help but think I have found my people, like I have discovered the beautiful gift that speaks the same language. I love your honesty, your grit and follow you on your quest for the truths in life.
    Much love, Harlon

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    1. You touch my soul, Harlon. And we are each other’s people…and It’s really nice to have people!! I am so grateful for you and we share so much even though we have never met in the flesh. I feel I have always known you…you have been a part of me for eternity.
      Much love and many blessings to you. My heart is here for you during this holiday time. In our grief we help each other…the antidote to everything is LOVE 💜

      Like

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