In the scheme of things
You only have so much room
Fill it with good things
As a life-long co-dependent personality who had to “fix” and help everyone in my world in order to think that I was okay, the journey to freedom and self love has been hard fought, and yet sweet!
I admit that in the beginning I erred on the side of going in the complete opposite direction. And that’s okay because it is a learning experience…right? We have to understand both sides of any situation before we settle somewhere in the middle.
I always look for strategies that can help me recognize something sooner so I don’t waste a lot of time going in the rabbit hole of pain and self-abuse.
I recently had an epiphany that perhaps could have come sooner, but better late than never. Here is an excerpt from a letter to myself:
“It’s a journey to your freedom. It is fine for you to be a full fledged, self-reliant, strong ass woman who doesn’t need any permission or praise from those who want more from you than they want for you.”
And there it is in a nutshell! Read that again…
…people who want more FROM YOU than they want FOR YOU!
I spent a life-time in those kinds of relationships and I suppose they filled the purpose of delivering the pain and abuse that I thought I deserved. But I am different now. And as I change my energy and my beliefs about my self-worth, I see the landscape of my relationships change as well. I see kinder, loving, give and take relations replace the narcissistic abusive ones.
The other truth I have noticed is that as you make yourself less available to the would-be life suckers, they move on to someone else who thinks their worth is tied up with helping, or fixing the narcissists pain.
In the past I would have viewed leaving these relationships as selfish. Now I see the needle on the barometer of self-love move to the right, and I feel really good about it.
So If you are not sure that a relationship is working for you, ask this simple question; “Does this person want more FROM ME than they want FOR ME?”
The truth can hurt, but the sooner you extricate yourself from a one-sided relationship, the sooner you can heal and move on to the kinds of relationships that foster kindness, love, and support.
I promise that you can change your life by making room for the good things!
Blessitude
Lorrie <3
09/12/2021
And there it is in a nutshell! Read that aga
Kudos on realizing you deserve relationships based on giving and sharing. You deserve it dear Lorrie. Hugs!
Hi Brad! Thanks my friend <3 It is empowering to raise your self-worth…to know that whatever reasons you felt you needed the abuse are not valid…and then to work hard to leave the abuse behind! When I look now at how when I made room in my life…so many good things and good people came into it! So very blessed!
Hope you are well…have a super week ahead!
Thanks Lorrie. I’m enjoying a quiet day off, reading and writing blog posts! take care…
Oh my gosh, I am having the same epiphanies as you are lately! I’m happy you are feeling healthier and more whole (wholier?). Live it up! This is YOUR time!✨
Thanks Kristen…and just love the word “wholier!” Yes…I feel wholier and it feels great! I’m happy you, too, are having good epiphanies…this one in particular was so telling. I think it’s a good litmus test for the relationships in our lives.
Hope all is super and you are well!! Have a great week 💜
Today I was struggling with so many things. Then I came here, and read your post. I am so glad I did. I hate that you have had to experience such hard things, but so thankful that you are willing to share what you have learned. It was just what I needed to hear. <3
Oh, Theresa…THANK YOU! I so appreciate your heartfelt words and it makes me happy that in sharing my “stuff” it could help someone like you 💜 I’m sorry you had a hard day…sometimes it seems that stuff just continues to pile on and we have no idea how to stop it. Sending lots of good energy and love…and a hug!! Be well my friend💜
Sometimes I get frustrated, because I am 54 years old, but still fall for so many mental hang-ups that have plagued me since I was a kid…and some that I have only been struggling with for about 7 years. These are such unhealthy trains of thought that make me feel really worthless and ashamed.
I try to work on my perspective, and it does get better…just doesn’t “stay” better unfortunately.
Today I had a talk with myself; one of those pep-talks trying to get up the courage to embrace grace. Then after shedding a few tears I checked my email, and there was your post! <3
I love the timing of that! And I so totally get exactly what you are saying, Theresa! I think a really huge key is to give ourselves a break when we want to judge and shame on ourselves. It’s easy to repeat patterns that are negative because, at least for me, we have probably done them for so long it is like a habit. The truth that lies underneath it all is how much love we feel for ourselves. I know this to be perhaps the most important part of healing…and it is also probably the hardest for some of us.
I send you the most beautiful healing energy to surround you. I pray that you treat yourself with the same love and kindness that you would show a little innocent baby. I know how wonderful you are…and so does God!! Peace and blessings 🙏💜
That was so beautiful! <3
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What a wonderful post, Lorrie! Your line of questioning was perfect and truly encapsulates whether the relationship is one of give and take.
You are an incredibly giving human – it makes me sad to imagine another person sucking all your kindness and not giving anything back. Or worse, treating you poorly! I am so glad your relationship dynamics are now balanced. Writing about it is inspiring and helpful to others. It is such an easy trap to fall into!
I think the conundrum with this balance is how it applies to parenting. I have found as a mother, it’s very imbalanced and I certainly don’t have expectations about getting as much as I give. Otherwise, I’d be very disappointed. But giving unconditionally is truly a gift. Parenting is a whole other dynamic!
Ah! You’ve got that right, Judy! A complete and total other dynamic. And I know you know that eventually that dynamic does shift as you and I moves into the parenting role with our parents. Ugh! The circle of life…so many things run on their own time and no matter how we might try to balance it all it is difficult at best.
Thank you for caring about me! I am so much better at treating myself well which is the impetus for setting the standard of how others treat me. I have completely cut off all contact with a couple of very toxic people and I swear it did make room for some really cool…kind…loving people! (YOU included!!!) 😉
Hope you have a brilliant week…and sorry I missed you last night. 💜
Boy can I relate to this one! I grew up thinking that it was my responsibility to “fix things,” and that attitude carried over well into adulthood. In fact, I still struggle with it and am ashamed of the number of times I tried to “manage” my children’s problems rather than encourage them to solve things for themselves. I like that saying though, because I think it does help us recognize when people are using us for their own good….which can’t happen unless we allow it to!
You nailed it, Ann! That’s the part behind the scenes…what we allow! And what lies behind that is our self-worth and what we think we deserve. It all layers one on top of the other…so many things to pull back. Oh…and what you said about trying to manage your children’s problems….I have no idea what you are talking about! JUST KIDDING!! 😉😉
Hope you have a blessed week 😊💜
“People who want more from you than for you” — Amen! Givers have to set limits because takers never do. Keep up the great work empowering yourself and other women, Lorrie. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I can personally relate to your posts.
Ah…there’s a part of your response I don’t like…the fact that you had to experience the unique abuse from a narcissist…but the part I love is that you call yourself a SURVIVOR!! Amen! And your observation/statement is soooo true…”Takers never set limits!” Here’s to healthy boundaries. And here’s to making room for all the good things 😊💜
Here, Here! Abundant Blessings to you, MW ❤️💖🧡
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An epiphany indeed! Good on you Lorrie for recognising that self love is the most important one of all. It can sometimes take a lifetime for many of to realise we can only give when we give the best to ourselves first. Sending you lots of love my friend. To happy days and freedom xx 💜
Thank you.so much, Miriam 💜 I know you get it and that it is so important on our journey. It also is something that requires great awareness as it is easy to fall back into old habits. It is on my radar for sure.
Sending lots of good energy, love, and hugs!! Have a brilliant week! 😊💜
You too Lorrie! 💜
Sometimes givers take and takers give… what a wise and useful post! Thank you for sharing such an easy way to protect oneself from selfish people. Yes it’s a question of protection, of self protection! Thank you Lorrie 🌻🌷🌹
Hello my Dearest! And it is within our power…in fact I think it is our duty!! I had issues with “boundaries” and realizing that was the first step in turning it around. I am amazed at how many beautiful souls have entered my life when I made room for them. You know you are one of my favorite people in the whole wide world!! ♥ I hope life is touching your heart on a daily basis!! Much love and light🖤♡
I call them simply “people who take advantage” and there many. I think along with what you already said it’s extremely important to say “no” to anything you feel uncomfortable with.
The truth is we can never please everybody and if you hurt yourself in order to help somebody else it probably isn’t the right thing to do.
I’m glad Lorry you’ve made space for good things. It is so that the inner space of us doesn’t stay empty and it’s occupied by either good or bad things.
All the best to you!
I love your response, Inese! There are many things wrapped up in these kinds of relationships…and much to learn from them. When all is said and done we are responsible ONLY FOR OURSELVES (with the exception of raising children.) And when we take care of our own needs and support ourselves in the best possible way we actually are more capable to help others where we can. I know that I have come a long way and I am Blessitude to understand this as it is the foundation for a great life!!
Sending you lots of love and light and hope that the week ahead is full of good things and wonder! <3
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been here. When the student is ready the teacher appears. I’m realizing that even in retirement, my tendency to do to much – trying to save the world – is alive and well. Signing up for too many committees or too much volunteer work takes me away from the art and writing I want to do. Thanks for helping me clarify that I need to step back from a committee that adds tension and drains my energy away from my art and the volunteer work that feeds my soul.
Hi JoAnna😊 I love this!! And I get exactly what you feel. We spread ourselves too thin by saying yes to everything. What usually happens to me is I feel resentful when I say yes to what I know deep down I feel NO to. I think I am getting better at knowing the difference before I open my mouth. And then I can do the things that my soul wants and feels a need to do…all with good energy!! 😉
We always seem to connect when we need to 🙏 And I would call that “perfect timing!” Sending lots of love and light…be well💜
Thanks for understanding. Lots of love and light coming back around to you, Lorrie. <3